Purpose

I've been thinking a lot about purpose lately. Not just mine, but others too. See I had this friend who came to England with me...we've since gone our separate ways, but she was really wrapped up in the idea of purpose....almost on a self absorbed level. She felt really insecure about herself...it's not something she ever said, but it's something I could sense. So in order to make herself feel more secure she would often drown others in ramblings of her possible purposes. It didn't really bother me because I knew this was all coming from a place of fear...fear that maybe she was meant for nothing so she made her life mantra all about how great she was in order to contrast those feelings of purposeless she had deep inside. She made a point of telling me every time someone told her they thought she was meant for something great. I think she was struggling with this issue so much because she had just graduated college and as soon as this study abroad experience was over she didn't know what she was going to do and she was scared....so repeating the good things people said about her made her feel better or more secure at least momentarily.

I guess a lot of the reason I even think about this issue is because of her. I never really considered my own life purpose until she started talking about throughout 75% of our conversations. See when I was growing up I too felt like I was meant for something special....I remember my first goal was to be a country singer, then I wanted to be an astronaut, then I wanted to be a doctor, lawyer, ect... The point is anything i set my mind to was wrapped up in the idea of being something "great." This has to be true for most people. I mean I can't imagine anyone starts thinking about careers and decides one day that they would love to be a janitor, yet millions have people have ended up there. Right now I am a year away from becoming an accountant. I can tell you right now that never in my wildest dreams did I envision myself becoming an accountant.

I guess I keep thinking about the issue and wondering...when do some of us stop believing in ourselves to be great and why do others never stop??

My friend is old friend is determined to do something incredible with her life, but it just seems like she can never figure out what that is. I feel like deep down I have so much potential to do something amazing with my life, but I settled for a 9-5 and desk work. : /

How did this happen? A part of me feels like I am never really going to be an accountant or that will end up being such a small part of my life. I feel like something is bound to happen to change my fate....and I live my life on this fantasy. This whole issue has been scaring me lately because what if this fantasy never becomes reality? What if I really do just end up the epitome of boring? An accountant.

I don't speak to that friend anymore, but I often wonder what is going to happen with her. I sit and wonder if she'll turn out better than me and I worry that she might simply because she believes it so much more than me.

I'd like to end this post with a resolution, but I don't have one. I'm still learning and I'm still figuring life out. Maybe when I eventually figure things out you'll still be here....still reading.

Sincerely,

Annie