It’s been 10 years

First of all... I’m old. I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since I started this thing. Second of all - how strange that I randomly had inspiration to start again RIGHT at the 10 year anniversary of this blog. Well let me catch you up. Beginning of this past week I guess (probably 8/4) I was 200lbs. Awesome. So many things that brought me here but this path started in late 2014/early 2015. Hair loss is a bitch and a real life destroyer. It completed screwed up my workouts and fitness regime and I began to really comfort eat. Basically I gained 75lbs over 6 years. Every year I diet multiple times and every time is “going to be different” but it never is. I don’t want to make anymore stupid promises, but something feels different this time. I quit my anti depressant about 10 days ago and I think that was a hugeeee factor in my weight issues. I’ve been practically unable to drop weight on ADs. I’ve been on many in the last 4 years and I truly believe they are a major reason for a lot of this weight. My hair issues are slowly being resolved and I’ve had many bought of temp weight loss and hardcore workouts, however, I’m never able to get below a certain weight - usually high 160’s is best I can do. Antidepressants have given me a bigger appetite and strange cravings. Honestly this last one made me crave papa johns 24/7. I went through a period where I was eating a medium papa johns pizza all by myself every couple days. If you haven’t experienced cravings like this you can’t possibly understand, but basically it’s impossible to deny the craving. 20lbs of the weight gain came in the few months I’ve been on Effexor. Prior to Effexor I was around 178lbs. In any case here I am. I’m 195lbs today (8/9/2020) and I’m trying to start over. My mind just feels a little different right now. My old self doesn’t feel like it has to be some distant memory, but rather someone that’s still inside me and can still be. These 5lbs have come off pretty easy and tbh I’m surprised this has even been weight I need to lose. I was convinced that much of the weight I was seeing was water or constipation, but nope it’s seems like it was very real. 🙄 I’ve really only been dieting 4 days (or today will make 5). First day was probably 2000 calories followed 1600 - followed by 1300 - and finally just under 800 yesterday which surprisingly was so easy. I honestly think the more this Effexor gets out of my system the easier dieting will be. I can’t explain how much this drug fucked up my appetite. I haven’t really set goals yet and maybe I need to but I’m just kind of taking things one day at a time for now.

Purpose

I've been thinking a lot about purpose lately. Not just mine, but others too. See I had this friend who came to England with me...we've since gone our separate ways, but she was really wrapped up in the idea of purpose....almost on a self absorbed level. She felt really insecure about herself...it's not something she ever said, but it's something I could sense. So in order to make herself feel more secure she would often drown others in ramblings of her possible purposes. It didn't really bother me because I knew this was all coming from a place of fear...fear that maybe she was meant for nothing so she made her life mantra all about how great she was in order to contrast those feelings of purposeless she had deep inside. She made a point of telling me every time someone told her they thought she was meant for something great. I think she was struggling with this issue so much because she had just graduated college and as soon as this study abroad experience was over she didn't know what she was going to do and she was scared....so repeating the good things people said about her made her feel better or more secure at least momentarily.

I guess a lot of the reason I even think about this issue is because of her. I never really considered my own life purpose until she started talking about throughout 75% of our conversations. See when I was growing up I too felt like I was meant for something special....I remember my first goal was to be a country singer, then I wanted to be an astronaut, then I wanted to be a doctor, lawyer, ect... The point is anything i set my mind to was wrapped up in the idea of being something "great." This has to be true for most people. I mean I can't imagine anyone starts thinking about careers and decides one day that they would love to be a janitor, yet millions have people have ended up there. Right now I am a year away from becoming an accountant. I can tell you right now that never in my wildest dreams did I envision myself becoming an accountant.

I guess I keep thinking about the issue and wondering...when do some of us stop believing in ourselves to be great and why do others never stop??

My friend is old friend is determined to do something incredible with her life, but it just seems like she can never figure out what that is. I feel like deep down I have so much potential to do something amazing with my life, but I settled for a 9-5 and desk work. : /

How did this happen? A part of me feels like I am never really going to be an accountant or that will end up being such a small part of my life. I feel like something is bound to happen to change my fate....and I live my life on this fantasy. This whole issue has been scaring me lately because what if this fantasy never becomes reality? What if I really do just end up the epitome of boring? An accountant.

I don't speak to that friend anymore, but I often wonder what is going to happen with her. I sit and wonder if she'll turn out better than me and I worry that she might simply because she believes it so much more than me.

I'd like to end this post with a resolution, but I don't have one. I'm still learning and I'm still figuring life out. Maybe when I eventually figure things out you'll still be here....still reading.

Sincerely,

Annie