It’s been 10 years

First of all... I’m old. I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since I started this thing. Second of all - how strange that I randomly had inspiration to start again RIGHT at the 10 year anniversary of this blog. Well let me catch you up. Beginning of this past week I guess (probably 8/4) I was 200lbs. Awesome. So many things that brought me here but this path started in late 2014/early 2015. Hair loss is a bitch and a real life destroyer. It completed screwed up my workouts and fitness regime and I began to really comfort eat. Basically I gained 75lbs over 6 years. Every year I diet multiple times and every time is “going to be different” but it never is. I don’t want to make anymore stupid promises, but something feels different this time. I quit my anti depressant about 10 days ago and I think that was a hugeeee factor in my weight issues. I’ve been practically unable to drop weight on ADs. I’ve been on many in the last 4 years and I truly believe they are a major reason for a lot of this weight. My hair issues are slowly being resolved and I’ve had many bought of temp weight loss and hardcore workouts, however, I’m never able to get below a certain weight - usually high 160’s is best I can do. Antidepressants have given me a bigger appetite and strange cravings. Honestly this last one made me crave papa johns 24/7. I went through a period where I was eating a medium papa johns pizza all by myself every couple days. If you haven’t experienced cravings like this you can’t possibly understand, but basically it’s impossible to deny the craving. 20lbs of the weight gain came in the few months I’ve been on Effexor. Prior to Effexor I was around 178lbs. In any case here I am. I’m 195lbs today (8/9/2020) and I’m trying to start over. My mind just feels a little different right now. My old self doesn’t feel like it has to be some distant memory, but rather someone that’s still inside me and can still be. These 5lbs have come off pretty easy and tbh I’m surprised this has even been weight I need to lose. I was convinced that much of the weight I was seeing was water or constipation, but nope it’s seems like it was very real. 🙄 I’ve really only been dieting 4 days (or today will make 5). First day was probably 2000 calories followed 1600 - followed by 1300 - and finally just under 800 yesterday which surprisingly was so easy. I honestly think the more this Effexor gets out of my system the easier dieting will be. I can’t explain how much this drug fucked up my appetite. I haven’t really set goals yet and maybe I need to but I’m just kind of taking things one day at a time for now.

Detached

I'm not sure how long its been since I've written...Seems like quite a while.
I'm just going to warn you that this post is completely uninteresting and you do not need to read it. I'm just trying to write down my thoughts as some therapy.

I've seen the doctor once since that one embarrassing visit. I see a therapist tomorrow and I'm starting anti-depressants. I've got to be honest...the only reason I'm not dead right now is because I have no easy suicide option. All of them could potentially turn into bigger messes than simply living this misery. Also I'm so mentally and physically depressed that I can't even conjure up the energy to do it. Last week I had requested off the whole week thinking that it would help me to get away from the store, but by the time I realized that was a bad idea it was too late. After coming in from work last Monday morning I literally didn't leave my house till Friday to pick up a paycheck. I didn't talk to anyone in my family. I stayed in my room for days simply laying in bed....for days.
It's almost a blur now. During that time I googled quite a bit about my problems and the best I can come up with is that I'm suffering from alot of social anxiety/general anxiety probably brought on from the eating disorder...which also sent me into a bout of major depression.
I hate myself....I'm constantly telling myself how ugly fat and disgusting I am. I nearly had several panic attacks this week simply from having to see my own disgusting body. All this self hate has also taken it's toll on my feeling towards my family. I hate them right now. All of them...and I don't know why. I find myself wanting to be mean to them too...so that maybe they feel as miserable as I do. I don't know why I'm so angry...I am hopeful that the psychiatrist can help me work that out.
I've also cut off all my "friends"... I'm angry at them also for never thinking about me or bothering to inquire about my life. None of them know about this issue. None of them ever bothered to find out.

So I'm completely alone. I have separated myself from any and everyone in my life. Frankly, it's just the last step because I think I cut myself off from myself many months ago. I don't even know who I am anymore.

As hopeful as I am about tomorrow...a one hour session isn't going to do anything. I feel it would take a week of constant therapy to even touch the surface of this.
It's as if I was in an wreck and I'm bleeding with near fatal injuries and someone is going to dab my wounds tomorrow with a tissue.

I'm sorry I'm not keeping up with anyone right now...It's just a bad time.