It’s been 10 years

First of all... I’m old. I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since I started this thing. Second of all - how strange that I randomly had inspiration to start again RIGHT at the 10 year anniversary of this blog. Well let me catch you up. Beginning of this past week I guess (probably 8/4) I was 200lbs. Awesome. So many things that brought me here but this path started in late 2014/early 2015. Hair loss is a bitch and a real life destroyer. It completed screwed up my workouts and fitness regime and I began to really comfort eat. Basically I gained 75lbs over 6 years. Every year I diet multiple times and every time is “going to be different” but it never is. I don’t want to make anymore stupid promises, but something feels different this time. I quit my anti depressant about 10 days ago and I think that was a hugeeee factor in my weight issues. I’ve been practically unable to drop weight on ADs. I’ve been on many in the last 4 years and I truly believe they are a major reason for a lot of this weight. My hair issues are slowly being resolved and I’ve had many bought of temp weight loss and hardcore workouts, however, I’m never able to get below a certain weight - usually high 160’s is best I can do. Antidepressants have given me a bigger appetite and strange cravings. Honestly this last one made me crave papa johns 24/7. I went through a period where I was eating a medium papa johns pizza all by myself every couple days. If you haven’t experienced cravings like this you can’t possibly understand, but basically it’s impossible to deny the craving. 20lbs of the weight gain came in the few months I’ve been on Effexor. Prior to Effexor I was around 178lbs. In any case here I am. I’m 195lbs today (8/9/2020) and I’m trying to start over. My mind just feels a little different right now. My old self doesn’t feel like it has to be some distant memory, but rather someone that’s still inside me and can still be. These 5lbs have come off pretty easy and tbh I’m surprised this has even been weight I need to lose. I was convinced that much of the weight I was seeing was water or constipation, but nope it’s seems like it was very real. 🙄 I’ve really only been dieting 4 days (or today will make 5). First day was probably 2000 calories followed 1600 - followed by 1300 - and finally just under 800 yesterday which surprisingly was so easy. I honestly think the more this Effexor gets out of my system the easier dieting will be. I can’t explain how much this drug fucked up my appetite. I haven’t really set goals yet and maybe I need to but I’m just kind of taking things one day at a time for now.

Title change!

Okay so I changed the title of the blog ...for the third time! haha I just like to mix it up and that's one of my favourite lyrics.

I'm 140 today! Hoorah! I can't believe I was here two weeks ago and everything went wrong and it took an entire week to set it straight! Anyways it's exciting to think that this is the last day I will ever see 140-anything! The next time I weigh that much will be when I'm pregnant haha ...which btw I don't think I've ever mentioned this before but I'm OBSESSED with having kids. It's my greatest goal in life(I want 4 kids and I already have their names haha) and sometimes I worry because I haven't had a period in like 6 months...what if I do permanent damage and am unable to conceive in the future. :/ It's one of my biggest worries with this thing.
Anyways so yea I will never see 140 again...It occurred to me last night while I was planning things I could eat the next time I decide to binge that binging was never an option before. In fact the first time I did it I cried...now these are planned events! The whole thing made me realize thats whats screwing me up! The binges do so much damage that it takes so long to get back to the weight I was before the binge that by the time i get there I'm demotivated....especially due to the fact that after a binge I begin to realize again how much I love eating. So binges are out. OUTTTTT!
Even with purging. Like they may happen, but I'm no longer counting on them or planning them. I'm back in diet lifestyle mode where I'm eating to live and not living to eat. Mentally this is a hard place to reach so now that I'm here I need to milk it for all it's worth. That means that once my metabolism crashes and I'm not dropping 1lb a day even at 100 calories....I'm not going to binge. Rather I am going to eat 500 calories...I decided that a great way to boost my metabolism would be to take like 3 days and only eat broccoli. Broccoli is one of my favourite foods and its one of the best NON-starchy vegetables so it's perfectly good to eat large quantities of it. 1 cup has about 30 calories....so even if you ate 16 cups...you'd still be just under 500 calories. So yea...basically thats the plan! Plussss broccoli runs through you quickly haha So no days of staying constipated with a binge and no exlax abuse.

Here's the calorie intake for yesterday:
Toast: 100
Jello: 50
Vegan link: 50
Crystal light candies: 50
= 250

So I know that's alot more than I planned, but I had a mini crisis yesterday. While showering I realized I was extremely weak and I started shaking really bad. When I got out of the shower it was all I could do to make it down the stairs and eat some jello and a vegan sausage. Hence, the additional calories.

I felt bad about it, but I really couldn't help it....it was eat or pass out.

Anyways todays calorie intake:
Toast: 70
vegan links: 100
= 170

So I compromised my toast in order to have the protein in the vegan sausage because I know I needed that more. I know it's more calories than I intend, but I felt like it was necessary since yesterday freaked me out. Plus I thought I was going to work tonight and therefore burn off some calories, but they cut my shift. = (

Well thats all I plan on consuming today! I'm so happy everything is back on track!

Like I always say...I hope if you're reading this your dieting ventures are going just as well or better! = )

These doubts...they creep in

I don't know why after nearly 40lbs of constant and consistent weightloss I manage to feel afraid that something is going to happen that will keep me from losing all the weight. Sometimes I think about it even when I'm showering or driving....like what if all the sudden I wrecked and was never able to be a waif because I died or was paralyzed....It's so dumb because obviously I would have bigger issues than being a waif at that point, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it.

Anyone who gets dieting will get this, but every time I have an urge to cheat or just eat anything period....I immediately go for my thinspo blogs/videos/pics.

It's sooooo important to stay drowned in thinspo...to me that is the difference between succeeding at this whole thing and plateauing at average.

To anyone who may read this...I have a question. What is your ultimate goal for your body?? I feel like most people in the pro-ana community feel the same about how they ultimately want to look, but recently I've discovered that there are quite a few people on pro-ana that simply look at the stuff for regular diet motivation and only want to weigh a normal amount. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but my ultimate weight loss goal is to have people look at me and wonder if I have an ED because I'm so thin...I just want to be so thin people are shocked that it's me. I guess I feel this need to go over and beyond because I've been so fat and to me it seems like the only way to truly make up for my fat days....like i just need to leave people without a doubt that I am extremely skinny and my fat days are a thing of the past never to return again.

So many girls always sized me up against my sister and acted like she was better because she was thinner than me. So many girls will treat you a certain way solely based on your weight/size. Like if you are a size 2 other girls will treat you with more respect and vice versa.

Perfect example....I once knew a girl named Erin. She practically idolized my size 4 sister. She always commented on how thin she was and pretty, ect. Erin was extremely rude and mean to me....I wasn't worth the respect because I was fat. In a way I don't resent her because I probably wasn't worth respect at a size 12, but I just can't wait till i see these people again and I'm a zero. I think they'll kiss me feet...metaphorically speaking.

Journalling these thoughts and reading my thinspo AND listenign to depressing songs makes this all so much easier haha

Oh and btw....I think the reason today is so hard is because it's the first day in forever I've had nothing to do but online tests which requires me to stay home all day ANDDDD I deleted my Facebook two weeks ago and I'm in serious withdrawal, but to give up now would seem embarrassing...Plus I've realized that without facebook I spend a ton of time on thinspo stuff instead which is better AND it's given me good motivation because I won't let myself bring it back until I hit 140. Which i plan on doing in about 2 weeks....so we'll see.

Like I said....today is a struggle...so I may be back before the day is said and done! = )

"Are you trying to be bad at this?"

Ughhhh where do I begin? Well first off....I've now lost 26 pounds and weigh 164. Thats good I guess. I can't explain it...I know other ED people will get this but it just doesn't feel like success anymore. Like I'm happy to be losing weight, but despite the weight loss I no longer feel successful. I haven't back-tracked once since I started this episode several months ago....and by that I mean I've never gained weight....not even for one day. I've either been maintaining one weight for a couple days or consistently losing, but for some reason I feel like I've gained. It just feels like I'm getting bigger everyday. I don't know how this is possible but I just feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fat. I feel like people are looking at me and thinking I'm a beast....which is weird because on one hand I see guys checking me out all the time and even though I know its happening...it's not like it changes my thought process.....just like seeing a lower number on the scale doesn't change the fact that I feel like it's a higher number.

I guess I just feel like I'm trying so hard to get away from this disgusting weight and I'm still fat and I still have a disgusting gut and I still fit in a size 12....A SIZE 12!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I fit into size 12 jeans 26 pounds ago....I mean they were skin tight and I muffin topped in them, but I was wearing them.....so how does 26 pounds of weight loss mean that I can fit in size 12 and not muffin top??? Seems like 26 pounds would at least mean a size 8 would fit comfortably. I think the size thing makes me feel the worst. All my shirts fit differently though....and this leather jacket I bought when I was probably 40 pounds heavier almost a year ago....now fits so loose that it doesn't wear right. Anyways I just eat soooooooooooooooooooo much more than I was...and i guess thats why I feel fat. Like today I had the following:

Toast: 100

pretzels: 100

salad w/ 15 calorie dressing: 30

salad: 100

sandwich: 120

sandwich: 110

toast: 100

almond milk: 30

Jello: 10

= 700 calories!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wow! I'm embarassed to even write that here.

I honestly don't keep that hardcore of a count anymore...like I know a rough number of calories for everything I eat and I try to eat as little as possible, but I don't always total my calories everyday.

wow. Well there you have it world....I'm out of control.

It actually blows my mind to think that I have eaten MORE than that before. like pre-diet days.

Oh and also....I'm so stressed about my diet and school and life that I now have hives.

In other news I sort of got my period back today....It still seems veryyy light, but it's stronger than the pretty much non-existent one I had a month ago. So THAT was veryyyyyyy discouraging. my bod is telling me I'm eating better which means I'm EATING......which means I'm failing.

I wonder when someone is going to start reading this or start caring about this blog at all....I'm starting to think it's not going to happen. I guess the real point of me writing this is to get all these pent up thoughts out so this blog is fulfilling it's purpose whether it's read or not, but still it would be encouraging to know someone else got how i felt or knew what I was going through.

Until next time...

Confession

I hate to lie, but apparently I have. I couldn't do the water and grape diet! I woke up this morning feeling ROUGHHHH. I was actually fearful that I could pass out (which I am pretty much just waiting for....because it's coming I know) and that would be really inconvenient because of how hectic my schedule is right now. I'm taking 21 credits and working about 20 hours a week and I live an hour from school and work and both are in opposite directions...so basically I just run all day. Anyways so I just knew I didn't have the strength. I find that as long as I get one decent "meal" in I can go pretty strong the whole day....which is great! So all I ate today was this potatoe and bean "Steamer" which was 200 calories! I feel proud....because according to the ABC diet I am still following since the grape thing fell through...I came 100 calories under the plan! Holla! = )

Anyways I had a very BADDDDDD day and I was near tears this evening frustrated with school and weight loss(the lack of...despite all my efforts). So I was having a rant about everything to my mom and in the midst of it I decided to go weigh myself and to my surprise I weighed 173!!! I can't say thats anything official because I didn't weigh myself at my regular weigh in time(morning), but I was so proud to see that number considering that I was able to break the 174 barrier thats been holding me up for OVER a week now!!!!

That one pound changed my life haha Really though that was so motivating!! Even the tiniest weight loss can motivate to new levels!

One thing that really helped me today was drinking tea all day and I can tell that will realllllllly help during fasting days. It just makes me feel so full....unlike plain water which sometimes makes me feel emptier for some reason.

I am 9 pounds from a healthy weight....I guess I could be a little happy at 164 knowing that everything I lose from there is kind of like "gravy"...for lack of a better word.

Ohhh I did want to recommend something...Almond Milk! I've been a vegetarian for years now and just this year I've been trying to work myself into being vegan, but its been pretty hard because of my love of dairy. Anyways not only is almond milk reallly good...much better then soy milk, but it has sooo few calories. Just 60 calories for a cup. I never have a full cup, but anyways...just thought I'd share that.

Lastly...It would really be nice to have a "buddy" I could text about the usual Ana stuff no one else gets. I think it would be really fun and motivating = )

Undefeated

Today I was excited to get on the scales only to see that I am STILL at the same weight I've pretty much maintained ALLLLLL week! It makes no sense! I barely eat 400 calories a day and I can't lose anything???! It's got to be starvation mode. I was really annoyed but then I realized I didn't care toooooo much because its not about the numbers anymore....its about my hatred of food....I'm not tempted by it whatsoever. Despite cookies, donuts, and chips being in the house I haven't even considered eating outside of my safe foods. To me that is the success of this week. Ana is winning right now...not on the scale, but in my mind...and I'm happy for it.

As of right now I've decided to change my approach....I'm going to start the ABC diet. I'll have no problem with the calorie limits....Actually I'm kind of afraid of the amount you are actually expected to eat on some days. Anyways I think it will confuse my body into dropping weight instead of holding onto everything I eat. Today I ate the following:

40 pretzel sticks: 100 calories

1 bag of vegetables in a sauce: 200

= 300 calories

I hope I see some results tomorrow.

Oh well....farewell for now.

Nothing moves me anymore...

"Nothing moves me anymore, I'm as cold as a stone..I was flesh and blood before now I'm only skin and bones. There are no signs of life. I've never felt this empty before....nothing moves me anymore." - Wonderland

That song is about a break up, but I've twisted it into my own pro-ana anthem. I find it very helpful. It's kind of depressing and dark....when I get myself in that place mentally I do best with dieting....Only when I'm super happy am I more inclined to eat or anything. I have to continually put myself into this self hatred mode in order to diet ...because I have to force myself to be aware of how disgusting I am in order to continue taking action. Dieting has been effortless lately, but today I kind of wanted to binge....I didn't though and thats what counts, but I didn't show any weightloss because of the running and it was pretty discouraging. I find that when I run i never lose the immediate pounds on the scale like I would if i had just starved and not worked out at all. I ate barely anything yesterday so I know i didnt truly gain weight but still its annoying to not get the results I'm used to seeing. Today I had 400 calories and I have faith that the scales will be nicer tomorrow....hopefully.

Tomorrow I am probably going to see the guy I like and i'm just upset because I feel like he must look at me in disgust...I wish I could go away for a few weeks and then come back in the 150's. I just keep wondering how I let myself get here. I am SOOOO ashamed....and the fact I even think about putting food in my mouth scares me. I feel about myself eating like I do about smokers when I see them hacking up a lung yet still lighting up. Like how can you be so self destructive???? You know thats so horrible for you!

As I write this I am in the middle of a text conversation with a friend of mine and we've both gone up and down on the scales. She is usally a size 2/4 so she has not near the issues I do, but she has been telling me how she feels like people look at her with disgust in public. My feelings exactly. I just can't help but feel sad for us all....my friend, me, the lovely women I follow, and everyone struggling with an ED. We are in this prison of self hate.

Ana will help....she always has.

I need to say this

It's 1am and I should be in bed, but as I went for my nightly walk tonight I found myself filled with rage about so many things and I need to vent it out here. It has to do with my weight loss motivation and I'm sure someone can identify.

Everything that makes me angry just started pushing me harder tonight. I thought about the kids who said I didn't dress "cool" in elementary school, the boys who called me ugly....(and there have been so many), boys who bullied me in highschool, people who tore down my confidence and left me running to food for comfort, boys who said my boobs were too small, the time my mom said my talent was eating, the times girls said things about my weight, the times I was rejected by my crushes for being fat, all the boys who ignored me because I was the ugly girl amongst my friends, the girls who were nice to me simply because I wasn't a threat as far as looks, the comments my dad has made about my weight, when my friend told me my jeans were so tight it was embarrassing, feeling embarrassed to order fattening food out and then being embarrassed to order the low fat item so people don't think I'm on a diet and then think about my weight even more, getting weighed at the doctors office and having the nurse keep pushing the number higher, having people give me unwanted dieting tips as if I've never dieted or don't know how, having to tell people what size I am, being ashamed of my number, lying on my driver's license, being embarrassed to go to the gym, only being able to work out in the dark, being afraid to change in front of anyone, having people tell me my knee would hurt less if I lost weight.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! I'm just so sick of it all....I don't want anyone to ever be able to comment on what I'm eating or doing. And seriously you would think that I was 300lbs! but no....just 174 at 5'8. Yes, that is a hideous and horrible number, but not worth having people butt in and make needless comments when I live in a state with an obesity problem....My weight is hardly the issue and I have more self control in my pinky then most people have in their whole body.

I know this is a ridiculous rant, but I just got so worked up on my run that I knew I needed to come back and spill it here.

I find SOOOOOOO much help and encouragement from the rest of the ED community. If I am following you right now....just know you have already given me immense inspiration and I am insanely grateful for it.

By the end of this weekend I just want to be in the 160's so bad.....I'm just worried about weigh in tomorrow. See I basically fasted for two days this week and on those days I lost veryyyyy little as opposed to my regular daily 1-2lb loss, but also I worked out alot on those days and I find that the more I work out the less I see immediate scale results. So I'm not sure which it was from, but two days ago I ate slightly more and I weighed in with a 2 pound loss again. So today I ate about the same, but slipped up by having some broccoli. My total calorie intake was 600 and I burned around 200-300 calories in tonights workout. So we'll see what the results say tomorrow. Hopefully I hit 172....I can only hope and pray. I just won't stop feeling desperate till I'm in the 150's. Then I can take off the last 20-30 pounds as they come, but until then I am so frantic to get this weight off I'm ready to go at it with a cleaver.

One more thing I'd like to touch on and then I'll stop ranting for the night. While I was in England ...in February specifically, I went out with a girl I had become acquainted with for a few drinks. She had this little gay friend with her. He was very thin and about 5'11 I'd say....well the whole night he seemed to ignore me...probably because that what everyone does to the fat girl...well anyways on the way home he started insisting on picking up the girl I was with and her other friend. Both were about 100-115 pounds and short......he just kept going on about how little they were while I stood there....the tall fat girl. That really hit me hard...and to be thinking about such a silly thing this many months later you know it had to. Every girl wants to feel small, delicate, graceful, and light as a feather. I want the next guy I date to be able to pick me up without having to try. Plus....the guy I like seems to love these short little play thing type girls. I've always hated that type of girl.....but it's time I stop hating out of a sick jealousy and make myself so perfect that instead they need be jealous of my mile-long, spidery legs. = )

I also want to be rid of this pudge belly I've ALWAYS had....I take that back....once three years ago I got rid of it and then I quickly regained it.

Ughhh I've just got to quit fussing on here tonight. This is just truly like my diary and it's easier to say it all right now rather then bottle it all up and be in a bad mood everywhere else.

Goodbye and thank you = )