Title change!

Okay so I changed the title of the blog ...for the third time! haha I just like to mix it up and that's one of my favourite lyrics.

I'm 140 today! Hoorah! I can't believe I was here two weeks ago and everything went wrong and it took an entire week to set it straight! Anyways it's exciting to think that this is the last day I will ever see 140-anything! The next time I weigh that much will be when I'm pregnant haha ...which btw I don't think I've ever mentioned this before but I'm OBSESSED with having kids. It's my greatest goal in life(I want 4 kids and I already have their names haha) and sometimes I worry because I haven't had a period in like 6 months...what if I do permanent damage and am unable to conceive in the future. :/ It's one of my biggest worries with this thing.
Anyways so yea I will never see 140 again...It occurred to me last night while I was planning things I could eat the next time I decide to binge that binging was never an option before. In fact the first time I did it I cried...now these are planned events! The whole thing made me realize thats whats screwing me up! The binges do so much damage that it takes so long to get back to the weight I was before the binge that by the time i get there I'm demotivated....especially due to the fact that after a binge I begin to realize again how much I love eating. So binges are out. OUTTTTT!
Even with purging. Like they may happen, but I'm no longer counting on them or planning them. I'm back in diet lifestyle mode where I'm eating to live and not living to eat. Mentally this is a hard place to reach so now that I'm here I need to milk it for all it's worth. That means that once my metabolism crashes and I'm not dropping 1lb a day even at 100 calories....I'm not going to binge. Rather I am going to eat 500 calories...I decided that a great way to boost my metabolism would be to take like 3 days and only eat broccoli. Broccoli is one of my favourite foods and its one of the best NON-starchy vegetables so it's perfectly good to eat large quantities of it. 1 cup has about 30 calories....so even if you ate 16 cups...you'd still be just under 500 calories. So yea...basically thats the plan! Plussss broccoli runs through you quickly haha So no days of staying constipated with a binge and no exlax abuse.

Here's the calorie intake for yesterday:
Toast: 100
Jello: 50
Vegan link: 50
Crystal light candies: 50
= 250

So I know that's alot more than I planned, but I had a mini crisis yesterday. While showering I realized I was extremely weak and I started shaking really bad. When I got out of the shower it was all I could do to make it down the stairs and eat some jello and a vegan sausage. Hence, the additional calories.

I felt bad about it, but I really couldn't help it....it was eat or pass out.

Anyways todays calorie intake:
Toast: 70
vegan links: 100
= 170

So I compromised my toast in order to have the protein in the vegan sausage because I know I needed that more. I know it's more calories than I intend, but I felt like it was necessary since yesterday freaked me out. Plus I thought I was going to work tonight and therefore burn off some calories, but they cut my shift. = (

Well thats all I plan on consuming today! I'm so happy everything is back on track!

Like I always say...I hope if you're reading this your dieting ventures are going just as well or better! = )

These doubts...they creep in

I don't know why after nearly 40lbs of constant and consistent weightloss I manage to feel afraid that something is going to happen that will keep me from losing all the weight. Sometimes I think about it even when I'm showering or driving....like what if all the sudden I wrecked and was never able to be a waif because I died or was paralyzed....It's so dumb because obviously I would have bigger issues than being a waif at that point, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it.

Anyone who gets dieting will get this, but every time I have an urge to cheat or just eat anything period....I immediately go for my thinspo blogs/videos/pics.

It's sooooo important to stay drowned in thinspo...to me that is the difference between succeeding at this whole thing and plateauing at average.

To anyone who may read this...I have a question. What is your ultimate goal for your body?? I feel like most people in the pro-ana community feel the same about how they ultimately want to look, but recently I've discovered that there are quite a few people on pro-ana that simply look at the stuff for regular diet motivation and only want to weigh a normal amount. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but my ultimate weight loss goal is to have people look at me and wonder if I have an ED because I'm so thin...I just want to be so thin people are shocked that it's me. I guess I feel this need to go over and beyond because I've been so fat and to me it seems like the only way to truly make up for my fat days....like i just need to leave people without a doubt that I am extremely skinny and my fat days are a thing of the past never to return again.

So many girls always sized me up against my sister and acted like she was better because she was thinner than me. So many girls will treat you a certain way solely based on your weight/size. Like if you are a size 2 other girls will treat you with more respect and vice versa.

Perfect example....I once knew a girl named Erin. She practically idolized my size 4 sister. She always commented on how thin she was and pretty, ect. Erin was extremely rude and mean to me....I wasn't worth the respect because I was fat. In a way I don't resent her because I probably wasn't worth respect at a size 12, but I just can't wait till i see these people again and I'm a zero. I think they'll kiss me feet...metaphorically speaking.

Journalling these thoughts and reading my thinspo AND listenign to depressing songs makes this all so much easier haha

Oh and btw....I think the reason today is so hard is because it's the first day in forever I've had nothing to do but online tests which requires me to stay home all day ANDDDD I deleted my Facebook two weeks ago and I'm in serious withdrawal, but to give up now would seem embarrassing...Plus I've realized that without facebook I spend a ton of time on thinspo stuff instead which is better AND it's given me good motivation because I won't let myself bring it back until I hit 140. Which i plan on doing in about 2 weeks....so we'll see.

Like I said....today is a struggle...so I may be back before the day is said and done! = )

Beaten down...

Is it just me or does my blog get more depressing every post....Guess I should work on that...Sorry :/

But I have to tell you today is depressing as well.....I'm 158. Yes I lost another pound but at an excruciatingly slow rate. It's like I'm plateauing.

Here's how the week went:

Monday I binge ate basically...yes, I ate only vegetables, but entirely too many. I ate about 1000 calories which I would say is the most I've eaten since I started dieting but I know why. No one in my house has been buying the type of groceries I need to diet or eat vegan so I had run realllly low and I had this underlying nervousness about the fact there was no food in the house so I ate up every last little bit of reserve I had ....I have no clue why my mind kicked into this mode, but basically I had a potato, some potato/mushroom/green bean blend, brussel sprouts, peas, a salad with a 40 cal. dressing, and toast w/ PJ+sugar free jam

and probably something else i forgot to add....CRAZY!!!!!!! I can't believe all the carbs...I had not been eating potatos for that very reason. Well I learned a lesson....thats all I can say.

I did end up running that night...around 4 miles....so I think that made up for a good bit.

Tuesday was about the same...maybe a little less, but not by much.

Wednesday was probably a 600-700 calorie day. Still bad.

Thursday was okay ...I think I did about 400.

Friday I was already determined and frustrated still after this horrible food week...So I just ate about 230 calories.

And today(Saturday even though it's technically Sunday now) I had 110 calories. = ) Finally success. I mean I guess a true success would be no eating, but whatever. I aim for toast only days and thats what I did today so I'm proud. = )

This week though I did decide something....I have got to start purging. The next time I eat something I shouldn't I am going to have to force it up no matter how difficult it may be. I had realized this was going to be necessary this week and then ironically tonight at work I found out that one of my friends at work is bulimic. I felt really sad for him, but in a sick way I was even more inspired. I knew that if he could do it...I could too. It's just scary...I'm insanely obsessed with my teeth and I'm scared of hurting them or losing them. I'm scared of ruining my throat. I'm scared of becoming as obsessive about the activity as I am with dieting as a whole.

The thing is...I don't like eating alot. Thats one of the highs I get off dieting is that feeling of starvation. I love hunger....thats not why I eat. I eat because I just enjoy the action of eating and taste. But I know I won't ever be able to binge eat like some people do with 9342858374 calories or anything. I also know I will never be able to purge on the foods people advise purging with. I can't do dairy and I don't like any of the foods people typically list so it wouldn't be worth my time to eat them. The things people say NOT to purge are the only things I like to eat. Vegetables, spicy foods, salads, toast.....thats all I eat. If I purge it will be with those foods. I guess I'm just going to have to drink a TONNNN of water in order to aid in the purging process.

I'm just so upset that the end of October is like 2 weeks away and I am almost 30 pounds from my goal. I'm not even mad at myself as I am really mad at my reatrded body for not responding properly to my lack of food. Like why aren't you fucking dropping these pounds!!! I barely feed you!!!!! and you can't drop more than 1-2lbs a week!!!!! thats how much regular dieters lose!! This is why the purging is necessary. For the next two weeks at least....anytime I have anything OTHER than my toast....I'm going to have to purge it. This will be hard....VERY hard, but I've got to learn this sometime....might as well start now. I think on Monday I'll start with my breakfast. No one will be home so I can have some privacy to figure this out.

Any tips or advice would be nice.... :/

Until next time...

"Are you trying to be bad at this?"

Ughhhh where do I begin? Well first off....I've now lost 26 pounds and weigh 164. Thats good I guess. I can't explain it...I know other ED people will get this but it just doesn't feel like success anymore. Like I'm happy to be losing weight, but despite the weight loss I no longer feel successful. I haven't back-tracked once since I started this episode several months ago....and by that I mean I've never gained weight....not even for one day. I've either been maintaining one weight for a couple days or consistently losing, but for some reason I feel like I've gained. It just feels like I'm getting bigger everyday. I don't know how this is possible but I just feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fat. I feel like people are looking at me and thinking I'm a beast....which is weird because on one hand I see guys checking me out all the time and even though I know its happening...it's not like it changes my thought process.....just like seeing a lower number on the scale doesn't change the fact that I feel like it's a higher number.

I guess I just feel like I'm trying so hard to get away from this disgusting weight and I'm still fat and I still have a disgusting gut and I still fit in a size 12....A SIZE 12!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I fit into size 12 jeans 26 pounds ago....I mean they were skin tight and I muffin topped in them, but I was wearing them.....so how does 26 pounds of weight loss mean that I can fit in size 12 and not muffin top??? Seems like 26 pounds would at least mean a size 8 would fit comfortably. I think the size thing makes me feel the worst. All my shirts fit differently though....and this leather jacket I bought when I was probably 40 pounds heavier almost a year ago....now fits so loose that it doesn't wear right. Anyways I just eat soooooooooooooooooooo much more than I was...and i guess thats why I feel fat. Like today I had the following:

Toast: 100

pretzels: 100

salad w/ 15 calorie dressing: 30

salad: 100

sandwich: 120

sandwich: 110

toast: 100

almond milk: 30

Jello: 10

= 700 calories!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wow! I'm embarassed to even write that here.

I honestly don't keep that hardcore of a count anymore...like I know a rough number of calories for everything I eat and I try to eat as little as possible, but I don't always total my calories everyday.

wow. Well there you have it world....I'm out of control.

It actually blows my mind to think that I have eaten MORE than that before. like pre-diet days.

Oh and also....I'm so stressed about my diet and school and life that I now have hives.

In other news I sort of got my period back today....It still seems veryyy light, but it's stronger than the pretty much non-existent one I had a month ago. So THAT was veryyyyyyy discouraging. my bod is telling me I'm eating better which means I'm EATING......which means I'm failing.

I wonder when someone is going to start reading this or start caring about this blog at all....I'm starting to think it's not going to happen. I guess the real point of me writing this is to get all these pent up thoughts out so this blog is fulfilling it's purpose whether it's read or not, but still it would be encouraging to know someone else got how i felt or knew what I was going through.

Until next time...

The Lowest Low...

For a while life seemed like it was on the up swing....I loved going to work. Seeing my friends made work my fun time....it didn't even feel like work. But life doesn't want me to be happy....I can't be losing weight, looking pretty, and having fun. No....this week had to turn my world upside down. I lost my period due to starvation....It's been the weirdest thing....I've cramped sooooo bad, but I only spot when I pee....other than that...nothing. I guess it's nice, but I don't know what to think....

I've been so wrapped up in this diet that it's consumed everything....then my face happened. Last Sunday I got this pimple on my chin...and I treated it everyday and night for several days to no avail....so getting desperate I tried this salt treatment on it. Long story short....the salt mask burnt through so many layers of skin on the pimple that my skin turned black there....so all week I had grotesque nastiness on my face. My face issue consumed me so much that I almost lost sight of my eating...in fact I ate 600 calories one day .....I felt soooo disgusting and horrible. I realized that the starvation...the hunger....the pain makes me feel beautiful...makes me feel pretty. Without it I feel average, ugly, unimportant, and worthless. As long as I am deprived I have power and am superior to everyone around me...because I have control unlike them.

Today I got back on track with the diet and I ate just under 200 calories...which is pretty much the average now. I eat about 100-200 on a normal day....anything more is a bad day and anything less is celebratory.

Well today I was kind of sad to go to work because my face issue was enough to embarrass me in front of my friends....when I got there I saw that my closest friend was X'ed off the schedule for the day and I figured hours had just been cut. Then I started looking ahead in the schedule and realized he was X'ed out the next day and completely removed from the schedule the next week. I instantly felt shakey and my mind was full of panic and fear. Surely he hadn't quit, but there was no way he was fired....I had no one to ask about the situation because my manager on duty had never liked him anyway. As soon as i left I texted him and he had been fired.

So many things have gone through my mind, but mainly I feel so lost. Between the stress of school, my personal issues, my loneliness, my body image, work, and now I lost my only local friend...and in the worst way. It honestly feels like he died. In a way it's like he has....I know he will be unmentionable now at work...I don't know what he was fired for, but I can imagine we arent going to be able to discuss it anyways. Work was one of the only places we could be together ...we're both too busy otherwise. I just feel like someone who made life worth living is no longer a part of my life and I feel so hurt.

This is surely going to send my eating to an all time low....which I suppose is somewhat of a good outcome. I just don't even want to look at food. I just want to die really....but i don't want to take pills or shoot myself....I want to starve to death. That is a beautiful death.

I forgot to mention....I'm 169lbs.