Beaten down...

Is it just me or does my blog get more depressing every post....Guess I should work on that...Sorry :/

But I have to tell you today is depressing as well.....I'm 158. Yes I lost another pound but at an excruciatingly slow rate. It's like I'm plateauing.

Here's how the week went:

Monday I binge ate basically...yes, I ate only vegetables, but entirely too many. I ate about 1000 calories which I would say is the most I've eaten since I started dieting but I know why. No one in my house has been buying the type of groceries I need to diet or eat vegan so I had run realllly low and I had this underlying nervousness about the fact there was no food in the house so I ate up every last little bit of reserve I had ....I have no clue why my mind kicked into this mode, but basically I had a potato, some potato/mushroom/green bean blend, brussel sprouts, peas, a salad with a 40 cal. dressing, and toast w/ PJ+sugar free jam

and probably something else i forgot to add....CRAZY!!!!!!! I can't believe all the carbs...I had not been eating potatos for that very reason. Well I learned a lesson....thats all I can say.

I did end up running that night...around 4 miles....so I think that made up for a good bit.

Tuesday was about the same...maybe a little less, but not by much.

Wednesday was probably a 600-700 calorie day. Still bad.

Thursday was okay ...I think I did about 400.

Friday I was already determined and frustrated still after this horrible food week...So I just ate about 230 calories.

And today(Saturday even though it's technically Sunday now) I had 110 calories. = ) Finally success. I mean I guess a true success would be no eating, but whatever. I aim for toast only days and thats what I did today so I'm proud. = )

This week though I did decide something....I have got to start purging. The next time I eat something I shouldn't I am going to have to force it up no matter how difficult it may be. I had realized this was going to be necessary this week and then ironically tonight at work I found out that one of my friends at work is bulimic. I felt really sad for him, but in a sick way I was even more inspired. I knew that if he could do it...I could too. It's just scary...I'm insanely obsessed with my teeth and I'm scared of hurting them or losing them. I'm scared of ruining my throat. I'm scared of becoming as obsessive about the activity as I am with dieting as a whole.

The thing is...I don't like eating alot. Thats one of the highs I get off dieting is that feeling of starvation. I love hunger....thats not why I eat. I eat because I just enjoy the action of eating and taste. But I know I won't ever be able to binge eat like some people do with 9342858374 calories or anything. I also know I will never be able to purge on the foods people advise purging with. I can't do dairy and I don't like any of the foods people typically list so it wouldn't be worth my time to eat them. The things people say NOT to purge are the only things I like to eat. Vegetables, spicy foods, salads, toast.....thats all I eat. If I purge it will be with those foods. I guess I'm just going to have to drink a TONNNN of water in order to aid in the purging process.

I'm just so upset that the end of October is like 2 weeks away and I am almost 30 pounds from my goal. I'm not even mad at myself as I am really mad at my reatrded body for not responding properly to my lack of food. Like why aren't you fucking dropping these pounds!!! I barely feed you!!!!! and you can't drop more than 1-2lbs a week!!!!! thats how much regular dieters lose!! This is why the purging is necessary. For the next two weeks at least....anytime I have anything OTHER than my toast....I'm going to have to purge it. This will be hard....VERY hard, but I've got to learn this sometime....might as well start now. I think on Monday I'll start with my breakfast. No one will be home so I can have some privacy to figure this out.

Any tips or advice would be nice.... :/

Until next time...

Detox

Okay so I hate to give up on a diet so soon after starting, but I don't consider this really quitting. As you know I started the ABC diet yesterday and I had 500 calories yesterday as the diet requires. Today I had 400....I know it says I can have up to 500, but I'm havign a hard time allowing myself to eat. I just feel so upset and guilty whenever I do. No matter what I eat I feel depressed for having eaten. Only when I'm not eating and starving do I feel happy and in control.

Obviously very typical feelings.

So back to why I'm "quitting" the ABC diet...well I need to detox I think. This is going to be kind of disgusting so feel free to stop reading if you want. Okay so basically my bowels don't move much these days and I think it's because I don't eat very much but also because I think I'm a little constipated. I feel like this has alot to do with the lack of movement on the scale. So tomorrow I'm starting a grape and water diet. Its not only going to help clear me out, but I should lose some serious weight on it and I hear it has weird cures....apparently it cured a woman's cancer. So this diet lasts 5 days. I'm honestly wondering how this is going to work. I mean I don't eat very much at all, but to not eat anything but grapes is an entirely different proposition. Anyways I'll be sure to keep the blog posted on my results of the diet in case anyone wants to try in the future.

As far as my weight goes. I mentioned that last week I hit 174lbs and the next day I shot up to 176lbs for no reason. Seriously I barely eat....I can't understand why I gained, but I sustained that weight until yesterday when I dropped to 175lbs. It's like the scale won't acknowledge I'm practically killing myself trying to lose weight, but my body on the other hand seems rough lately. I'm ALWAYS cold....I already have anemia and the dieting has made it worse. I use heat in my car and it's in the 80's here. = O

I have bruises all over my body....I ache all the time...I'm constantly exhausted....I have huge dark circles under my eyes and my clothes aren't fitting anymore....but still the scale denies me all I really want. I just want that number to go down!!!!!!!! I was supposed to be in the low 160's by the end of the month....fat chance now. I just feel so far from my goals. I have 45lbs to lose and with this weight not budging in over a week....It just makes me wonder if I'll ever get there.

I've also been thinking about bulimia. One time in high school during a flair up of my ed I decided to make myself throw up after a binge and I succeeded....barely. I'm just not good at it. I think it's because I'm so afraid. Anorexia feels safe....I have control right now and I don't have to deal with too many negative side affects unlike true bulimics. Honestly its just nice to not have buy food. As long as I'm not eating there isn't much to buy. There is so much expense involved with bulimia and then theres the teeth issue....I don't even drink my tea or coffee without a straw. Besides I just don't know if I would like the idea of eating so much...I think it would make me panicky. The reason I even bring it up is because despite the fact that I am so deeply involved in this diet ...I'm just wondering what might happen if one day I snap and start eating??? what do I do??? I'm going to have to purge. I'll have to. I hope I don't get to that point, but I'm sure this is the same thought process most people have gone through.

I guess I'm off for now.... = |