Detox

Okay so I hate to give up on a diet so soon after starting, but I don't consider this really quitting. As you know I started the ABC diet yesterday and I had 500 calories yesterday as the diet requires. Today I had 400....I know it says I can have up to 500, but I'm havign a hard time allowing myself to eat. I just feel so upset and guilty whenever I do. No matter what I eat I feel depressed for having eaten. Only when I'm not eating and starving do I feel happy and in control.

Obviously very typical feelings.

So back to why I'm "quitting" the ABC diet...well I need to detox I think. This is going to be kind of disgusting so feel free to stop reading if you want. Okay so basically my bowels don't move much these days and I think it's because I don't eat very much but also because I think I'm a little constipated. I feel like this has alot to do with the lack of movement on the scale. So tomorrow I'm starting a grape and water diet. Its not only going to help clear me out, but I should lose some serious weight on it and I hear it has weird cures....apparently it cured a woman's cancer. So this diet lasts 5 days. I'm honestly wondering how this is going to work. I mean I don't eat very much at all, but to not eat anything but grapes is an entirely different proposition. Anyways I'll be sure to keep the blog posted on my results of the diet in case anyone wants to try in the future.

As far as my weight goes. I mentioned that last week I hit 174lbs and the next day I shot up to 176lbs for no reason. Seriously I barely eat....I can't understand why I gained, but I sustained that weight until yesterday when I dropped to 175lbs. It's like the scale won't acknowledge I'm practically killing myself trying to lose weight, but my body on the other hand seems rough lately. I'm ALWAYS cold....I already have anemia and the dieting has made it worse. I use heat in my car and it's in the 80's here. = O

I have bruises all over my body....I ache all the time...I'm constantly exhausted....I have huge dark circles under my eyes and my clothes aren't fitting anymore....but still the scale denies me all I really want. I just want that number to go down!!!!!!!! I was supposed to be in the low 160's by the end of the month....fat chance now. I just feel so far from my goals. I have 45lbs to lose and with this weight not budging in over a week....It just makes me wonder if I'll ever get there.

I've also been thinking about bulimia. One time in high school during a flair up of my ed I decided to make myself throw up after a binge and I succeeded....barely. I'm just not good at it. I think it's because I'm so afraid. Anorexia feels safe....I have control right now and I don't have to deal with too many negative side affects unlike true bulimics. Honestly its just nice to not have buy food. As long as I'm not eating there isn't much to buy. There is so much expense involved with bulimia and then theres the teeth issue....I don't even drink my tea or coffee without a straw. Besides I just don't know if I would like the idea of eating so much...I think it would make me panicky. The reason I even bring it up is because despite the fact that I am so deeply involved in this diet ...I'm just wondering what might happen if one day I snap and start eating??? what do I do??? I'm going to have to purge. I'll have to. I hope I don't get to that point, but I'm sure this is the same thought process most people have gone through.

I guess I'm off for now.... = |