Well not alot happened once I returned home....I spent alot of time doing crafts and waiting for my job to get me back into the schedule. During that time I had very little activity and started eating not so great....which stressed me because I didn't want to gain all the weight I thought I had lost being in England. Well I've gotten ahead of myself....I didn't actually lose that much weight there.....while I do think I toned up my legs a considerable amount I actually weighed MUCH more than I felt or even looked...it was a scary number - 187lbs.
This stressed me into a baby food diet and I lost five pounds which I quickly gained back the following weekend. The thing was my mind wasn't there and thats the things about food, diets, and weight....it's a mental game....NOT physical. You can do as many diets as you want but they will all fail if you're not mentally there. Well I'm not sure when something clicked in my brain exactly, but it was probably around the time I realized how much I like a certain boy..(that always motivates me)
Anyways I just realized that this wasn't impossible....and to tell you the truth...in my subconscious I used to believe it was for years....at least the last three.
I just started dieting and nothing could stop me....I pumped myself up...building up the diet and my motivation ever day until I was at a point of motivation I've never had.
This was probably 3 weeks ago....since then I've been obsessively dieting and looking at thinspo everyday for motivation. I will tell you....when I diet...I starve....I will purge if necessary and I will do anything it takes. I used to starve myself in highschool and I lost ALOT of weight that way.....but middway through my diet I lost motivation....this scares me for now, but I'm older...I've had more dieting experience and I have learned from my mistakes....I know that discouragement could come and I'm ready for it....this time I won't be defeated.
When i was 15 I used to look at anorexia sites for encouragement and getting back into the community has been so helpful....Its so nice to see so many girls who are so much like me....they just get it.
Well I've lost 16 pounds....today i weighed in at 174. At 5'8 I still feel obese, but I feel consolation everytime I look in the mirror just knowing that it won't be this way for long. My goal weight for right now is 130lbs. In the mean time I've using my mini goals to get there....in increments of 10lbs. ....In about two days I should hit 170 and by the end of the month I want to be 160. It may or may not happen, but My ultimate goal should happen by the end of October at the latest. That is when I would like to hit 130lbs. From there I will obviously shoot for something smaller....such as 120 or 115, but for now 130 is where I'm looking.
To give you an idea of what I've done so far I'll tell you my diet. Basically I've found that I have to hit this point of calories where my body doesn't think it's starving(because then I lose nothing as this week proved to me) but it's pretty close. I usually have alot of tea throughout the day, toast with some peanut butter for breakfast and then some broccoli with a little low fat cheese. My caloric intake is about 400 a day and I've been walking at night. I feel so fat and ashamed right now that I feel like any pro ana person would probably laugh at my numbers, but I'm headed the right direction and I will be there soon enough.
I know things will work this time because it's not even about the weightloss ....I just don't want food anymore. I'm angry....I'm angry that this stupid food has kept me from everything I've wanted in life. This stupid food is the only reason I dislike myself.....this food is the reason all the boys I've loved haven't like me back....this food is the reason I've been embarrassed/ This food is the reason I can't figure out what to wear most days. This food is the reason I have to try so hard. This food made me ugly, unwanted, rejected, embarrassed, ashamed, left out, forgotten, unhappy, hideous, disgusting, undeserving. This food didn't give me life....it took it away and now that I realize this....I have control.
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