Well....today has been weird. I don't know...I'm just all over the place. One minute I feel on top of the world and the next I'm in the depths of despair. This week has been hard because school started back and it's just shaping up to be a difficult semester, but really I think I would handling all that much better if I wasn't suffering from starvation. My mind doesn't work....and it's like the only thing I want to do is figure up how much longer I have until I'll be thin and wonder what people will think. Today was scary though....I've had just under 100 calories today and I've realized my ED is reallllllly being affected by my competitive and obsessive ways. It's like everyday i have to top the day before...So naturally 100 calories was the result of topping the 200 calories I ate yesterday. I just don't feel like I have strength for that tomorrow. I was going to fast and at the very least my ABC diet has me eating 100 calories tomorrow. Tomorrow I work and I'm not sure I can do everything on 100 calories....I'm thinking of allowing myself to have 200 instead considering the fact that I did 100 today instead. I know regardless of what i eat tomorrow I am going to feel ashamed and depressed for anything I put in my mouth. I'm soooooooooo scared of eating! I want it soooo bad, but I don't want all this work to be for nothing....I know the moment I eat I am going to cry and I will be forced to learn how to purge at that point. Despite the fact that I have purged once before...I know bulimia isn't something I can do....food is associated with such shame for me that I wouldn't be able to binge in order to purge.
I guess I've been so wrapped up in this mental struggle I've kind of forgotten the numbers game....I was 172 this morning. = ) I was happy and i suppose I still should be but I need to see a new set of "10" in order to feel a necessary boost of motivation I desperately need.
My sister made this pepper and corn thing in the frying pan...In all likely hood it was probably very low fat but obviously I couldn't eat it....but I'm so hungry and weak today that I rubbed a spoon in it and licked the barely there moistness off the spoon. It didn't have a sauce or anything...I could just faintly taste some salt and that was nice.
Basically besides that lick I had a cup of broccoli and 2 fat free croutons. I feel like this all totals around 90 calories. Obviously I drank alot of tea to suppress hunger, but other then that I had nothing.
I just wish I was skinnier and I wouldn't feel so much pressure to not eat whatsoever.
Anyways...I guess thats all I really have to say today.
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