Nothing moves me anymore...

"Nothing moves me anymore, I'm as cold as a stone..I was flesh and blood before now I'm only skin and bones. There are no signs of life. I've never felt this empty before....nothing moves me anymore." - Wonderland

That song is about a break up, but I've twisted it into my own pro-ana anthem. I find it very helpful. It's kind of depressing and dark....when I get myself in that place mentally I do best with dieting....Only when I'm super happy am I more inclined to eat or anything. I have to continually put myself into this self hatred mode in order to diet ...because I have to force myself to be aware of how disgusting I am in order to continue taking action. Dieting has been effortless lately, but today I kind of wanted to binge....I didn't though and thats what counts, but I didn't show any weightloss because of the running and it was pretty discouraging. I find that when I run i never lose the immediate pounds on the scale like I would if i had just starved and not worked out at all. I ate barely anything yesterday so I know i didnt truly gain weight but still its annoying to not get the results I'm used to seeing. Today I had 400 calories and I have faith that the scales will be nicer tomorrow....hopefully.

Tomorrow I am probably going to see the guy I like and i'm just upset because I feel like he must look at me in disgust...I wish I could go away for a few weeks and then come back in the 150's. I just keep wondering how I let myself get here. I am SOOOO ashamed....and the fact I even think about putting food in my mouth scares me. I feel about myself eating like I do about smokers when I see them hacking up a lung yet still lighting up. Like how can you be so self destructive???? You know thats so horrible for you!

As I write this I am in the middle of a text conversation with a friend of mine and we've both gone up and down on the scales. She is usally a size 2/4 so she has not near the issues I do, but she has been telling me how she feels like people look at her with disgust in public. My feelings exactly. I just can't help but feel sad for us all....my friend, me, the lovely women I follow, and everyone struggling with an ED. We are in this prison of self hate.

Ana will help....she always has.