It’s been 10 years

First of all... I’m old. I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since I started this thing. Second of all - how strange that I randomly had inspiration to start again RIGHT at the 10 year anniversary of this blog. Well let me catch you up. Beginning of this past week I guess (probably 8/4) I was 200lbs. Awesome. So many things that brought me here but this path started in late 2014/early 2015. Hair loss is a bitch and a real life destroyer. It completed screwed up my workouts and fitness regime and I began to really comfort eat. Basically I gained 75lbs over 6 years. Every year I diet multiple times and every time is “going to be different” but it never is. I don’t want to make anymore stupid promises, but something feels different this time. I quit my anti depressant about 10 days ago and I think that was a hugeeee factor in my weight issues. I’ve been practically unable to drop weight on ADs. I’ve been on many in the last 4 years and I truly believe they are a major reason for a lot of this weight. My hair issues are slowly being resolved and I’ve had many bought of temp weight loss and hardcore workouts, however, I’m never able to get below a certain weight - usually high 160’s is best I can do. Antidepressants have given me a bigger appetite and strange cravings. Honestly this last one made me crave papa johns 24/7. I went through a period where I was eating a medium papa johns pizza all by myself every couple days. If you haven’t experienced cravings like this you can’t possibly understand, but basically it’s impossible to deny the craving. 20lbs of the weight gain came in the few months I’ve been on Effexor. Prior to Effexor I was around 178lbs. In any case here I am. I’m 195lbs today (8/9/2020) and I’m trying to start over. My mind just feels a little different right now. My old self doesn’t feel like it has to be some distant memory, but rather someone that’s still inside me and can still be. These 5lbs have come off pretty easy and tbh I’m surprised this has even been weight I need to lose. I was convinced that much of the weight I was seeing was water or constipation, but nope it’s seems like it was very real. 🙄 I’ve really only been dieting 4 days (or today will make 5). First day was probably 2000 calories followed 1600 - followed by 1300 - and finally just under 800 yesterday which surprisingly was so easy. I honestly think the more this Effexor gets out of my system the easier dieting will be. I can’t explain how much this drug fucked up my appetite. I haven’t really set goals yet and maybe I need to but I’m just kind of taking things one day at a time for now.

Nothing moves me anymore...

"Nothing moves me anymore, I'm as cold as a stone..I was flesh and blood before now I'm only skin and bones. There are no signs of life. I've never felt this empty before....nothing moves me anymore." - Wonderland

That song is about a break up, but I've twisted it into my own pro-ana anthem. I find it very helpful. It's kind of depressing and dark....when I get myself in that place mentally I do best with dieting....Only when I'm super happy am I more inclined to eat or anything. I have to continually put myself into this self hatred mode in order to diet ...because I have to force myself to be aware of how disgusting I am in order to continue taking action. Dieting has been effortless lately, but today I kind of wanted to binge....I didn't though and thats what counts, but I didn't show any weightloss because of the running and it was pretty discouraging. I find that when I run i never lose the immediate pounds on the scale like I would if i had just starved and not worked out at all. I ate barely anything yesterday so I know i didnt truly gain weight but still its annoying to not get the results I'm used to seeing. Today I had 400 calories and I have faith that the scales will be nicer tomorrow....hopefully.

Tomorrow I am probably going to see the guy I like and i'm just upset because I feel like he must look at me in disgust...I wish I could go away for a few weeks and then come back in the 150's. I just keep wondering how I let myself get here. I am SOOOO ashamed....and the fact I even think about putting food in my mouth scares me. I feel about myself eating like I do about smokers when I see them hacking up a lung yet still lighting up. Like how can you be so self destructive???? You know thats so horrible for you!

As I write this I am in the middle of a text conversation with a friend of mine and we've both gone up and down on the scales. She is usally a size 2/4 so she has not near the issues I do, but she has been telling me how she feels like people look at her with disgust in public. My feelings exactly. I just can't help but feel sad for us all....my friend, me, the lovely women I follow, and everyone struggling with an ED. We are in this prison of self hate.

Ana will help....she always has.