These doubts...they creep in

I don't know why after nearly 40lbs of constant and consistent weightloss I manage to feel afraid that something is going to happen that will keep me from losing all the weight. Sometimes I think about it even when I'm showering or driving....like what if all the sudden I wrecked and was never able to be a waif because I died or was paralyzed....It's so dumb because obviously I would have bigger issues than being a waif at that point, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it.

Anyone who gets dieting will get this, but every time I have an urge to cheat or just eat anything period....I immediately go for my thinspo blogs/videos/pics.

It's sooooo important to stay drowned in thinspo...to me that is the difference between succeeding at this whole thing and plateauing at average.

To anyone who may read this...I have a question. What is your ultimate goal for your body?? I feel like most people in the pro-ana community feel the same about how they ultimately want to look, but recently I've discovered that there are quite a few people on pro-ana that simply look at the stuff for regular diet motivation and only want to weigh a normal amount. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but my ultimate weight loss goal is to have people look at me and wonder if I have an ED because I'm so thin...I just want to be so thin people are shocked that it's me. I guess I feel this need to go over and beyond because I've been so fat and to me it seems like the only way to truly make up for my fat days....like i just need to leave people without a doubt that I am extremely skinny and my fat days are a thing of the past never to return again.

So many girls always sized me up against my sister and acted like she was better because she was thinner than me. So many girls will treat you a certain way solely based on your weight/size. Like if you are a size 2 other girls will treat you with more respect and vice versa.

Perfect example....I once knew a girl named Erin. She practically idolized my size 4 sister. She always commented on how thin she was and pretty, ect. Erin was extremely rude and mean to me....I wasn't worth the respect because I was fat. In a way I don't resent her because I probably wasn't worth respect at a size 12, but I just can't wait till i see these people again and I'm a zero. I think they'll kiss me feet...metaphorically speaking.

Journalling these thoughts and reading my thinspo AND listenign to depressing songs makes this all so much easier haha

Oh and btw....I think the reason today is so hard is because it's the first day in forever I've had nothing to do but online tests which requires me to stay home all day ANDDDD I deleted my Facebook two weeks ago and I'm in serious withdrawal, but to give up now would seem embarrassing...Plus I've realized that without facebook I spend a ton of time on thinspo stuff instead which is better AND it's given me good motivation because I won't let myself bring it back until I hit 140. Which i plan on doing in about 2 weeks....so we'll see.

Like I said....today is a struggle...so I may be back before the day is said and done! = )

Nothing moves me anymore...

"Nothing moves me anymore, I'm as cold as a stone..I was flesh and blood before now I'm only skin and bones. There are no signs of life. I've never felt this empty before....nothing moves me anymore." - Wonderland

That song is about a break up, but I've twisted it into my own pro-ana anthem. I find it very helpful. It's kind of depressing and dark....when I get myself in that place mentally I do best with dieting....Only when I'm super happy am I more inclined to eat or anything. I have to continually put myself into this self hatred mode in order to diet ...because I have to force myself to be aware of how disgusting I am in order to continue taking action. Dieting has been effortless lately, but today I kind of wanted to binge....I didn't though and thats what counts, but I didn't show any weightloss because of the running and it was pretty discouraging. I find that when I run i never lose the immediate pounds on the scale like I would if i had just starved and not worked out at all. I ate barely anything yesterday so I know i didnt truly gain weight but still its annoying to not get the results I'm used to seeing. Today I had 400 calories and I have faith that the scales will be nicer tomorrow....hopefully.

Tomorrow I am probably going to see the guy I like and i'm just upset because I feel like he must look at me in disgust...I wish I could go away for a few weeks and then come back in the 150's. I just keep wondering how I let myself get here. I am SOOOO ashamed....and the fact I even think about putting food in my mouth scares me. I feel about myself eating like I do about smokers when I see them hacking up a lung yet still lighting up. Like how can you be so self destructive???? You know thats so horrible for you!

As I write this I am in the middle of a text conversation with a friend of mine and we've both gone up and down on the scales. She is usally a size 2/4 so she has not near the issues I do, but she has been telling me how she feels like people look at her with disgust in public. My feelings exactly. I just can't help but feel sad for us all....my friend, me, the lovely women I follow, and everyone struggling with an ED. We are in this prison of self hate.

Ana will help....she always has.

I need to say this

It's 1am and I should be in bed, but as I went for my nightly walk tonight I found myself filled with rage about so many things and I need to vent it out here. It has to do with my weight loss motivation and I'm sure someone can identify.

Everything that makes me angry just started pushing me harder tonight. I thought about the kids who said I didn't dress "cool" in elementary school, the boys who called me ugly....(and there have been so many), boys who bullied me in highschool, people who tore down my confidence and left me running to food for comfort, boys who said my boobs were too small, the time my mom said my talent was eating, the times girls said things about my weight, the times I was rejected by my crushes for being fat, all the boys who ignored me because I was the ugly girl amongst my friends, the girls who were nice to me simply because I wasn't a threat as far as looks, the comments my dad has made about my weight, when my friend told me my jeans were so tight it was embarrassing, feeling embarrassed to order fattening food out and then being embarrassed to order the low fat item so people don't think I'm on a diet and then think about my weight even more, getting weighed at the doctors office and having the nurse keep pushing the number higher, having people give me unwanted dieting tips as if I've never dieted or don't know how, having to tell people what size I am, being ashamed of my number, lying on my driver's license, being embarrassed to go to the gym, only being able to work out in the dark, being afraid to change in front of anyone, having people tell me my knee would hurt less if I lost weight.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! I'm just so sick of it all....I don't want anyone to ever be able to comment on what I'm eating or doing. And seriously you would think that I was 300lbs! but no....just 174 at 5'8. Yes, that is a hideous and horrible number, but not worth having people butt in and make needless comments when I live in a state with an obesity problem....My weight is hardly the issue and I have more self control in my pinky then most people have in their whole body.

I know this is a ridiculous rant, but I just got so worked up on my run that I knew I needed to come back and spill it here.

I find SOOOOOOO much help and encouragement from the rest of the ED community. If I am following you right now....just know you have already given me immense inspiration and I am insanely grateful for it.

By the end of this weekend I just want to be in the 160's so bad.....I'm just worried about weigh in tomorrow. See I basically fasted for two days this week and on those days I lost veryyyyy little as opposed to my regular daily 1-2lb loss, but also I worked out alot on those days and I find that the more I work out the less I see immediate scale results. So I'm not sure which it was from, but two days ago I ate slightly more and I weighed in with a 2 pound loss again. So today I ate about the same, but slipped up by having some broccoli. My total calorie intake was 600 and I burned around 200-300 calories in tonights workout. So we'll see what the results say tomorrow. Hopefully I hit 172....I can only hope and pray. I just won't stop feeling desperate till I'm in the 150's. Then I can take off the last 20-30 pounds as they come, but until then I am so frantic to get this weight off I'm ready to go at it with a cleaver.

One more thing I'd like to touch on and then I'll stop ranting for the night. While I was in England ...in February specifically, I went out with a girl I had become acquainted with for a few drinks. She had this little gay friend with her. He was very thin and about 5'11 I'd say....well the whole night he seemed to ignore me...probably because that what everyone does to the fat girl...well anyways on the way home he started insisting on picking up the girl I was with and her other friend. Both were about 100-115 pounds and short......he just kept going on about how little they were while I stood there....the tall fat girl. That really hit me hard...and to be thinking about such a silly thing this many months later you know it had to. Every girl wants to feel small, delicate, graceful, and light as a feather. I want the next guy I date to be able to pick me up without having to try. Plus....the guy I like seems to love these short little play thing type girls. I've always hated that type of girl.....but it's time I stop hating out of a sick jealousy and make myself so perfect that instead they need be jealous of my mile-long, spidery legs. = )

I also want to be rid of this pudge belly I've ALWAYS had....I take that back....once three years ago I got rid of it and then I quickly regained it.

Ughhh I've just got to quit fussing on here tonight. This is just truly like my diary and it's easier to say it all right now rather then bottle it all up and be in a bad mood everywhere else.

Goodbye and thank you = )

Something of importance...

So since I last wrote I have returned from England and the summer is basically over....crazy! It seems like just yesterday it was starting and now I'm going to buy notebooks for school...bleh

Well not alot happened once I returned home....I spent alot of time doing crafts and waiting for my job to get me back into the schedule. During that time I had very little activity and started eating not so great....which stressed me because I didn't want to gain all the weight I thought I had lost being in England. Well I've gotten ahead of myself....I didn't actually lose that much weight there.....while I do think I toned up my legs a considerable amount I actually weighed MUCH more than I felt or even looked...it was a scary number - 187lbs.

This stressed me into a baby food diet and I lost five pounds which I quickly gained back the following weekend. The thing was my mind wasn't there and thats the things about food, diets, and weight....it's a mental game....NOT physical. You can do as many diets as you want but they will all fail if you're not mentally there. Well I'm not sure when something clicked in my brain exactly, but it was probably around the time I realized how much I like a certain boy..(that always motivates me)

Anyways I just realized that this wasn't impossible....and to tell you the truth...in my subconscious I used to believe it was for years....at least the last three.

I just started dieting and nothing could stop me....I pumped myself up...building up the diet and my motivation ever day until I was at a point of motivation I've never had.

This was probably 3 weeks ago....since then I've been obsessively dieting and looking at thinspo everyday for motivation. I will tell you....when I diet...I starve....I will purge if necessary and I will do anything it takes. I used to starve myself in highschool and I lost ALOT of weight that way.....but middway through my diet I lost motivation....this scares me for now, but I'm older...I've had more dieting experience and I have learned from my mistakes....I know that discouragement could come and I'm ready for it....this time I won't be defeated.

When i was 15 I used to look at anorexia sites for encouragement and getting back into the community has been so helpful....Its so nice to see so many girls who are so much like me....they just get it.

Well I've lost 16 pounds....today i weighed in at 174. At 5'8 I still feel obese, but I feel consolation everytime I look in the mirror just knowing that it won't be this way for long. My goal weight for right now is 130lbs. In the mean time I've using my mini goals to get there....in increments of 10lbs. ....In about two days I should hit 170 and by the end of the month I want to be 160. It may or may not happen, but My ultimate goal should happen by the end of October at the latest. That is when I would like to hit 130lbs. From there I will obviously shoot for something smaller....such as 120 or 115, but for now 130 is where I'm looking.

To give you an idea of what I've done so far I'll tell you my diet. Basically I've found that I have to hit this point of calories where my body doesn't think it's starving(because then I lose nothing as this week proved to me) but it's pretty close. I usually have alot of tea throughout the day, toast with some peanut butter for breakfast and then some broccoli with a little low fat cheese. My caloric intake is about 400 a day and I've been walking at night. I feel so fat and ashamed right now that I feel like any pro ana person would probably laugh at my numbers, but I'm headed the right direction and I will be there soon enough.

I know things will work this time because it's not even about the weightloss ....I just don't want food anymore. I'm angry....I'm angry that this stupid food has kept me from everything I've wanted in life. This stupid food is the only reason I dislike myself.....this food is the reason all the boys I've loved haven't like me back....this food is the reason I've been embarrassed/ This food is the reason I can't figure out what to wear most days. This food is the reason I have to try so hard. This food made me ugly, unwanted, rejected, embarrassed, ashamed, left out, forgotten, unhappy, hideous, disgusting, undeserving. This food didn't give me life....it took it away and now that I realize this....I have control.