Title change!

Okay so I changed the title of the blog ...for the third time! haha I just like to mix it up and that's one of my favourite lyrics.

I'm 140 today! Hoorah! I can't believe I was here two weeks ago and everything went wrong and it took an entire week to set it straight! Anyways it's exciting to think that this is the last day I will ever see 140-anything! The next time I weigh that much will be when I'm pregnant haha ...which btw I don't think I've ever mentioned this before but I'm OBSESSED with having kids. It's my greatest goal in life(I want 4 kids and I already have their names haha) and sometimes I worry because I haven't had a period in like 6 months...what if I do permanent damage and am unable to conceive in the future. :/ It's one of my biggest worries with this thing.
Anyways so yea I will never see 140 again...It occurred to me last night while I was planning things I could eat the next time I decide to binge that binging was never an option before. In fact the first time I did it I cried...now these are planned events! The whole thing made me realize thats whats screwing me up! The binges do so much damage that it takes so long to get back to the weight I was before the binge that by the time i get there I'm demotivated....especially due to the fact that after a binge I begin to realize again how much I love eating. So binges are out. OUTTTTT!
Even with purging. Like they may happen, but I'm no longer counting on them or planning them. I'm back in diet lifestyle mode where I'm eating to live and not living to eat. Mentally this is a hard place to reach so now that I'm here I need to milk it for all it's worth. That means that once my metabolism crashes and I'm not dropping 1lb a day even at 100 calories....I'm not going to binge. Rather I am going to eat 500 calories...I decided that a great way to boost my metabolism would be to take like 3 days and only eat broccoli. Broccoli is one of my favourite foods and its one of the best NON-starchy vegetables so it's perfectly good to eat large quantities of it. 1 cup has about 30 calories....so even if you ate 16 cups...you'd still be just under 500 calories. So yea...basically thats the plan! Plussss broccoli runs through you quickly haha So no days of staying constipated with a binge and no exlax abuse.

Here's the calorie intake for yesterday:
Toast: 100
Jello: 50
Vegan link: 50
Crystal light candies: 50
= 250

So I know that's alot more than I planned, but I had a mini crisis yesterday. While showering I realized I was extremely weak and I started shaking really bad. When I got out of the shower it was all I could do to make it down the stairs and eat some jello and a vegan sausage. Hence, the additional calories.

I felt bad about it, but I really couldn't help it....it was eat or pass out.

Anyways todays calorie intake:
Toast: 70
vegan links: 100
= 170

So I compromised my toast in order to have the protein in the vegan sausage because I know I needed that more. I know it's more calories than I intend, but I felt like it was necessary since yesterday freaked me out. Plus I thought I was going to work tonight and therefore burn off some calories, but they cut my shift. = (

Well thats all I plan on consuming today! I'm so happy everything is back on track!

Like I always say...I hope if you're reading this your dieting ventures are going just as well or better! = )

These doubts...they creep in

I don't know why after nearly 40lbs of constant and consistent weightloss I manage to feel afraid that something is going to happen that will keep me from losing all the weight. Sometimes I think about it even when I'm showering or driving....like what if all the sudden I wrecked and was never able to be a waif because I died or was paralyzed....It's so dumb because obviously I would have bigger issues than being a waif at that point, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it.

Anyone who gets dieting will get this, but every time I have an urge to cheat or just eat anything period....I immediately go for my thinspo blogs/videos/pics.

It's sooooo important to stay drowned in thinspo...to me that is the difference between succeeding at this whole thing and plateauing at average.

To anyone who may read this...I have a question. What is your ultimate goal for your body?? I feel like most people in the pro-ana community feel the same about how they ultimately want to look, but recently I've discovered that there are quite a few people on pro-ana that simply look at the stuff for regular diet motivation and only want to weigh a normal amount. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but my ultimate weight loss goal is to have people look at me and wonder if I have an ED because I'm so thin...I just want to be so thin people are shocked that it's me. I guess I feel this need to go over and beyond because I've been so fat and to me it seems like the only way to truly make up for my fat days....like i just need to leave people without a doubt that I am extremely skinny and my fat days are a thing of the past never to return again.

So many girls always sized me up against my sister and acted like she was better because she was thinner than me. So many girls will treat you a certain way solely based on your weight/size. Like if you are a size 2 other girls will treat you with more respect and vice versa.

Perfect example....I once knew a girl named Erin. She practically idolized my size 4 sister. She always commented on how thin she was and pretty, ect. Erin was extremely rude and mean to me....I wasn't worth the respect because I was fat. In a way I don't resent her because I probably wasn't worth respect at a size 12, but I just can't wait till i see these people again and I'm a zero. I think they'll kiss me feet...metaphorically speaking.

Journalling these thoughts and reading my thinspo AND listenign to depressing songs makes this all so much easier haha

Oh and btw....I think the reason today is so hard is because it's the first day in forever I've had nothing to do but online tests which requires me to stay home all day ANDDDD I deleted my Facebook two weeks ago and I'm in serious withdrawal, but to give up now would seem embarrassing...Plus I've realized that without facebook I spend a ton of time on thinspo stuff instead which is better AND it's given me good motivation because I won't let myself bring it back until I hit 140. Which i plan on doing in about 2 weeks....so we'll see.

Like I said....today is a struggle...so I may be back before the day is said and done! = )

Confession

I hate to lie, but apparently I have. I couldn't do the water and grape diet! I woke up this morning feeling ROUGHHHH. I was actually fearful that I could pass out (which I am pretty much just waiting for....because it's coming I know) and that would be really inconvenient because of how hectic my schedule is right now. I'm taking 21 credits and working about 20 hours a week and I live an hour from school and work and both are in opposite directions...so basically I just run all day. Anyways so I just knew I didn't have the strength. I find that as long as I get one decent "meal" in I can go pretty strong the whole day....which is great! So all I ate today was this potatoe and bean "Steamer" which was 200 calories! I feel proud....because according to the ABC diet I am still following since the grape thing fell through...I came 100 calories under the plan! Holla! = )

Anyways I had a very BADDDDDD day and I was near tears this evening frustrated with school and weight loss(the lack of...despite all my efforts). So I was having a rant about everything to my mom and in the midst of it I decided to go weigh myself and to my surprise I weighed 173!!! I can't say thats anything official because I didn't weigh myself at my regular weigh in time(morning), but I was so proud to see that number considering that I was able to break the 174 barrier thats been holding me up for OVER a week now!!!!

That one pound changed my life haha Really though that was so motivating!! Even the tiniest weight loss can motivate to new levels!

One thing that really helped me today was drinking tea all day and I can tell that will realllllllly help during fasting days. It just makes me feel so full....unlike plain water which sometimes makes me feel emptier for some reason.

I am 9 pounds from a healthy weight....I guess I could be a little happy at 164 knowing that everything I lose from there is kind of like "gravy"...for lack of a better word.

Ohhh I did want to recommend something...Almond Milk! I've been a vegetarian for years now and just this year I've been trying to work myself into being vegan, but its been pretty hard because of my love of dairy. Anyways not only is almond milk reallly good...much better then soy milk, but it has sooo few calories. Just 60 calories for a cup. I never have a full cup, but anyways...just thought I'd share that.

Lastly...It would really be nice to have a "buddy" I could text about the usual Ana stuff no one else gets. I think it would be really fun and motivating = )