These doubts...they creep in

I don't know why after nearly 40lbs of constant and consistent weightloss I manage to feel afraid that something is going to happen that will keep me from losing all the weight. Sometimes I think about it even when I'm showering or driving....like what if all the sudden I wrecked and was never able to be a waif because I died or was paralyzed....It's so dumb because obviously I would have bigger issues than being a waif at that point, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it.

Anyone who gets dieting will get this, but every time I have an urge to cheat or just eat anything period....I immediately go for my thinspo blogs/videos/pics.

It's sooooo important to stay drowned in thinspo...to me that is the difference between succeeding at this whole thing and plateauing at average.

To anyone who may read this...I have a question. What is your ultimate goal for your body?? I feel like most people in the pro-ana community feel the same about how they ultimately want to look, but recently I've discovered that there are quite a few people on pro-ana that simply look at the stuff for regular diet motivation and only want to weigh a normal amount. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but my ultimate weight loss goal is to have people look at me and wonder if I have an ED because I'm so thin...I just want to be so thin people are shocked that it's me. I guess I feel this need to go over and beyond because I've been so fat and to me it seems like the only way to truly make up for my fat days....like i just need to leave people without a doubt that I am extremely skinny and my fat days are a thing of the past never to return again.

So many girls always sized me up against my sister and acted like she was better because she was thinner than me. So many girls will treat you a certain way solely based on your weight/size. Like if you are a size 2 other girls will treat you with more respect and vice versa.

Perfect example....I once knew a girl named Erin. She practically idolized my size 4 sister. She always commented on how thin she was and pretty, ect. Erin was extremely rude and mean to me....I wasn't worth the respect because I was fat. In a way I don't resent her because I probably wasn't worth respect at a size 12, but I just can't wait till i see these people again and I'm a zero. I think they'll kiss me feet...metaphorically speaking.

Journalling these thoughts and reading my thinspo AND listenign to depressing songs makes this all so much easier haha

Oh and btw....I think the reason today is so hard is because it's the first day in forever I've had nothing to do but online tests which requires me to stay home all day ANDDDD I deleted my Facebook two weeks ago and I'm in serious withdrawal, but to give up now would seem embarrassing...Plus I've realized that without facebook I spend a ton of time on thinspo stuff instead which is better AND it's given me good motivation because I won't let myself bring it back until I hit 140. Which i plan on doing in about 2 weeks....so we'll see.

Like I said....today is a struggle...so I may be back before the day is said and done! = )

Beaten down...

Is it just me or does my blog get more depressing every post....Guess I should work on that...Sorry :/

But I have to tell you today is depressing as well.....I'm 158. Yes I lost another pound but at an excruciatingly slow rate. It's like I'm plateauing.

Here's how the week went:

Monday I binge ate basically...yes, I ate only vegetables, but entirely too many. I ate about 1000 calories which I would say is the most I've eaten since I started dieting but I know why. No one in my house has been buying the type of groceries I need to diet or eat vegan so I had run realllly low and I had this underlying nervousness about the fact there was no food in the house so I ate up every last little bit of reserve I had ....I have no clue why my mind kicked into this mode, but basically I had a potato, some potato/mushroom/green bean blend, brussel sprouts, peas, a salad with a 40 cal. dressing, and toast w/ PJ+sugar free jam

and probably something else i forgot to add....CRAZY!!!!!!! I can't believe all the carbs...I had not been eating potatos for that very reason. Well I learned a lesson....thats all I can say.

I did end up running that night...around 4 miles....so I think that made up for a good bit.

Tuesday was about the same...maybe a little less, but not by much.

Wednesday was probably a 600-700 calorie day. Still bad.

Thursday was okay ...I think I did about 400.

Friday I was already determined and frustrated still after this horrible food week...So I just ate about 230 calories.

And today(Saturday even though it's technically Sunday now) I had 110 calories. = ) Finally success. I mean I guess a true success would be no eating, but whatever. I aim for toast only days and thats what I did today so I'm proud. = )

This week though I did decide something....I have got to start purging. The next time I eat something I shouldn't I am going to have to force it up no matter how difficult it may be. I had realized this was going to be necessary this week and then ironically tonight at work I found out that one of my friends at work is bulimic. I felt really sad for him, but in a sick way I was even more inspired. I knew that if he could do it...I could too. It's just scary...I'm insanely obsessed with my teeth and I'm scared of hurting them or losing them. I'm scared of ruining my throat. I'm scared of becoming as obsessive about the activity as I am with dieting as a whole.

The thing is...I don't like eating alot. Thats one of the highs I get off dieting is that feeling of starvation. I love hunger....thats not why I eat. I eat because I just enjoy the action of eating and taste. But I know I won't ever be able to binge eat like some people do with 9342858374 calories or anything. I also know I will never be able to purge on the foods people advise purging with. I can't do dairy and I don't like any of the foods people typically list so it wouldn't be worth my time to eat them. The things people say NOT to purge are the only things I like to eat. Vegetables, spicy foods, salads, toast.....thats all I eat. If I purge it will be with those foods. I guess I'm just going to have to drink a TONNNN of water in order to aid in the purging process.

I'm just so upset that the end of October is like 2 weeks away and I am almost 30 pounds from my goal. I'm not even mad at myself as I am really mad at my reatrded body for not responding properly to my lack of food. Like why aren't you fucking dropping these pounds!!! I barely feed you!!!!! and you can't drop more than 1-2lbs a week!!!!! thats how much regular dieters lose!! This is why the purging is necessary. For the next two weeks at least....anytime I have anything OTHER than my toast....I'm going to have to purge it. This will be hard....VERY hard, but I've got to learn this sometime....might as well start now. I think on Monday I'll start with my breakfast. No one will be home so I can have some privacy to figure this out.

Any tips or advice would be nice.... :/

Until next time...

"Are you trying to be bad at this?"

Ughhhh where do I begin? Well first off....I've now lost 26 pounds and weigh 164. Thats good I guess. I can't explain it...I know other ED people will get this but it just doesn't feel like success anymore. Like I'm happy to be losing weight, but despite the weight loss I no longer feel successful. I haven't back-tracked once since I started this episode several months ago....and by that I mean I've never gained weight....not even for one day. I've either been maintaining one weight for a couple days or consistently losing, but for some reason I feel like I've gained. It just feels like I'm getting bigger everyday. I don't know how this is possible but I just feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fat. I feel like people are looking at me and thinking I'm a beast....which is weird because on one hand I see guys checking me out all the time and even though I know its happening...it's not like it changes my thought process.....just like seeing a lower number on the scale doesn't change the fact that I feel like it's a higher number.

I guess I just feel like I'm trying so hard to get away from this disgusting weight and I'm still fat and I still have a disgusting gut and I still fit in a size 12....A SIZE 12!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I fit into size 12 jeans 26 pounds ago....I mean they were skin tight and I muffin topped in them, but I was wearing them.....so how does 26 pounds of weight loss mean that I can fit in size 12 and not muffin top??? Seems like 26 pounds would at least mean a size 8 would fit comfortably. I think the size thing makes me feel the worst. All my shirts fit differently though....and this leather jacket I bought when I was probably 40 pounds heavier almost a year ago....now fits so loose that it doesn't wear right. Anyways I just eat soooooooooooooooooooo much more than I was...and i guess thats why I feel fat. Like today I had the following:

Toast: 100

pretzels: 100

salad w/ 15 calorie dressing: 30

salad: 100

sandwich: 120

sandwich: 110

toast: 100

almond milk: 30

Jello: 10

= 700 calories!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wow! I'm embarassed to even write that here.

I honestly don't keep that hardcore of a count anymore...like I know a rough number of calories for everything I eat and I try to eat as little as possible, but I don't always total my calories everyday.

wow. Well there you have it world....I'm out of control.

It actually blows my mind to think that I have eaten MORE than that before. like pre-diet days.

Oh and also....I'm so stressed about my diet and school and life that I now have hives.

In other news I sort of got my period back today....It still seems veryyy light, but it's stronger than the pretty much non-existent one I had a month ago. So THAT was veryyyyyyy discouraging. my bod is telling me I'm eating better which means I'm EATING......which means I'm failing.

I wonder when someone is going to start reading this or start caring about this blog at all....I'm starting to think it's not going to happen. I guess the real point of me writing this is to get all these pent up thoughts out so this blog is fulfilling it's purpose whether it's read or not, but still it would be encouraging to know someone else got how i felt or knew what I was going through.

Until next time...

The Lowest Low...

For a while life seemed like it was on the up swing....I loved going to work. Seeing my friends made work my fun time....it didn't even feel like work. But life doesn't want me to be happy....I can't be losing weight, looking pretty, and having fun. No....this week had to turn my world upside down. I lost my period due to starvation....It's been the weirdest thing....I've cramped sooooo bad, but I only spot when I pee....other than that...nothing. I guess it's nice, but I don't know what to think....

I've been so wrapped up in this diet that it's consumed everything....then my face happened. Last Sunday I got this pimple on my chin...and I treated it everyday and night for several days to no avail....so getting desperate I tried this salt treatment on it. Long story short....the salt mask burnt through so many layers of skin on the pimple that my skin turned black there....so all week I had grotesque nastiness on my face. My face issue consumed me so much that I almost lost sight of my eating...in fact I ate 600 calories one day .....I felt soooo disgusting and horrible. I realized that the starvation...the hunger....the pain makes me feel beautiful...makes me feel pretty. Without it I feel average, ugly, unimportant, and worthless. As long as I am deprived I have power and am superior to everyone around me...because I have control unlike them.

Today I got back on track with the diet and I ate just under 200 calories...which is pretty much the average now. I eat about 100-200 on a normal day....anything more is a bad day and anything less is celebratory.

Well today I was kind of sad to go to work because my face issue was enough to embarrass me in front of my friends....when I got there I saw that my closest friend was X'ed off the schedule for the day and I figured hours had just been cut. Then I started looking ahead in the schedule and realized he was X'ed out the next day and completely removed from the schedule the next week. I instantly felt shakey and my mind was full of panic and fear. Surely he hadn't quit, but there was no way he was fired....I had no one to ask about the situation because my manager on duty had never liked him anyway. As soon as i left I texted him and he had been fired.

So many things have gone through my mind, but mainly I feel so lost. Between the stress of school, my personal issues, my loneliness, my body image, work, and now I lost my only local friend...and in the worst way. It honestly feels like he died. In a way it's like he has....I know he will be unmentionable now at work...I don't know what he was fired for, but I can imagine we arent going to be able to discuss it anyways. Work was one of the only places we could be together ...we're both too busy otherwise. I just feel like someone who made life worth living is no longer a part of my life and I feel so hurt.

This is surely going to send my eating to an all time low....which I suppose is somewhat of a good outcome. I just don't even want to look at food. I just want to die really....but i don't want to take pills or shoot myself....I want to starve to death. That is a beautiful death.

I forgot to mention....I'm 169lbs.

Confession

I hate to lie, but apparently I have. I couldn't do the water and grape diet! I woke up this morning feeling ROUGHHHH. I was actually fearful that I could pass out (which I am pretty much just waiting for....because it's coming I know) and that would be really inconvenient because of how hectic my schedule is right now. I'm taking 21 credits and working about 20 hours a week and I live an hour from school and work and both are in opposite directions...so basically I just run all day. Anyways so I just knew I didn't have the strength. I find that as long as I get one decent "meal" in I can go pretty strong the whole day....which is great! So all I ate today was this potatoe and bean "Steamer" which was 200 calories! I feel proud....because according to the ABC diet I am still following since the grape thing fell through...I came 100 calories under the plan! Holla! = )

Anyways I had a very BADDDDDD day and I was near tears this evening frustrated with school and weight loss(the lack of...despite all my efforts). So I was having a rant about everything to my mom and in the midst of it I decided to go weigh myself and to my surprise I weighed 173!!! I can't say thats anything official because I didn't weigh myself at my regular weigh in time(morning), but I was so proud to see that number considering that I was able to break the 174 barrier thats been holding me up for OVER a week now!!!!

That one pound changed my life haha Really though that was so motivating!! Even the tiniest weight loss can motivate to new levels!

One thing that really helped me today was drinking tea all day and I can tell that will realllllllly help during fasting days. It just makes me feel so full....unlike plain water which sometimes makes me feel emptier for some reason.

I am 9 pounds from a healthy weight....I guess I could be a little happy at 164 knowing that everything I lose from there is kind of like "gravy"...for lack of a better word.

Ohhh I did want to recommend something...Almond Milk! I've been a vegetarian for years now and just this year I've been trying to work myself into being vegan, but its been pretty hard because of my love of dairy. Anyways not only is almond milk reallly good...much better then soy milk, but it has sooo few calories. Just 60 calories for a cup. I never have a full cup, but anyways...just thought I'd share that.

Lastly...It would really be nice to have a "buddy" I could text about the usual Ana stuff no one else gets. I think it would be really fun and motivating = )

Undefeated

Today I was excited to get on the scales only to see that I am STILL at the same weight I've pretty much maintained ALLLLLL week! It makes no sense! I barely eat 400 calories a day and I can't lose anything???! It's got to be starvation mode. I was really annoyed but then I realized I didn't care toooooo much because its not about the numbers anymore....its about my hatred of food....I'm not tempted by it whatsoever. Despite cookies, donuts, and chips being in the house I haven't even considered eating outside of my safe foods. To me that is the success of this week. Ana is winning right now...not on the scale, but in my mind...and I'm happy for it.

As of right now I've decided to change my approach....I'm going to start the ABC diet. I'll have no problem with the calorie limits....Actually I'm kind of afraid of the amount you are actually expected to eat on some days. Anyways I think it will confuse my body into dropping weight instead of holding onto everything I eat. Today I ate the following:

40 pretzel sticks: 100 calories

1 bag of vegetables in a sauce: 200

= 300 calories

I hope I see some results tomorrow.

Oh well....farewell for now.

I need to say this

It's 1am and I should be in bed, but as I went for my nightly walk tonight I found myself filled with rage about so many things and I need to vent it out here. It has to do with my weight loss motivation and I'm sure someone can identify.

Everything that makes me angry just started pushing me harder tonight. I thought about the kids who said I didn't dress "cool" in elementary school, the boys who called me ugly....(and there have been so many), boys who bullied me in highschool, people who tore down my confidence and left me running to food for comfort, boys who said my boobs were too small, the time my mom said my talent was eating, the times girls said things about my weight, the times I was rejected by my crushes for being fat, all the boys who ignored me because I was the ugly girl amongst my friends, the girls who were nice to me simply because I wasn't a threat as far as looks, the comments my dad has made about my weight, when my friend told me my jeans were so tight it was embarrassing, feeling embarrassed to order fattening food out and then being embarrassed to order the low fat item so people don't think I'm on a diet and then think about my weight even more, getting weighed at the doctors office and having the nurse keep pushing the number higher, having people give me unwanted dieting tips as if I've never dieted or don't know how, having to tell people what size I am, being ashamed of my number, lying on my driver's license, being embarrassed to go to the gym, only being able to work out in the dark, being afraid to change in front of anyone, having people tell me my knee would hurt less if I lost weight.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! I'm just so sick of it all....I don't want anyone to ever be able to comment on what I'm eating or doing. And seriously you would think that I was 300lbs! but no....just 174 at 5'8. Yes, that is a hideous and horrible number, but not worth having people butt in and make needless comments when I live in a state with an obesity problem....My weight is hardly the issue and I have more self control in my pinky then most people have in their whole body.

I know this is a ridiculous rant, but I just got so worked up on my run that I knew I needed to come back and spill it here.

I find SOOOOOOO much help and encouragement from the rest of the ED community. If I am following you right now....just know you have already given me immense inspiration and I am insanely grateful for it.

By the end of this weekend I just want to be in the 160's so bad.....I'm just worried about weigh in tomorrow. See I basically fasted for two days this week and on those days I lost veryyyyy little as opposed to my regular daily 1-2lb loss, but also I worked out alot on those days and I find that the more I work out the less I see immediate scale results. So I'm not sure which it was from, but two days ago I ate slightly more and I weighed in with a 2 pound loss again. So today I ate about the same, but slipped up by having some broccoli. My total calorie intake was 600 and I burned around 200-300 calories in tonights workout. So we'll see what the results say tomorrow. Hopefully I hit 172....I can only hope and pray. I just won't stop feeling desperate till I'm in the 150's. Then I can take off the last 20-30 pounds as they come, but until then I am so frantic to get this weight off I'm ready to go at it with a cleaver.

One more thing I'd like to touch on and then I'll stop ranting for the night. While I was in England ...in February specifically, I went out with a girl I had become acquainted with for a few drinks. She had this little gay friend with her. He was very thin and about 5'11 I'd say....well the whole night he seemed to ignore me...probably because that what everyone does to the fat girl...well anyways on the way home he started insisting on picking up the girl I was with and her other friend. Both were about 100-115 pounds and short......he just kept going on about how little they were while I stood there....the tall fat girl. That really hit me hard...and to be thinking about such a silly thing this many months later you know it had to. Every girl wants to feel small, delicate, graceful, and light as a feather. I want the next guy I date to be able to pick me up without having to try. Plus....the guy I like seems to love these short little play thing type girls. I've always hated that type of girl.....but it's time I stop hating out of a sick jealousy and make myself so perfect that instead they need be jealous of my mile-long, spidery legs. = )

I also want to be rid of this pudge belly I've ALWAYS had....I take that back....once three years ago I got rid of it and then I quickly regained it.

Ughhh I've just got to quit fussing on here tonight. This is just truly like my diary and it's easier to say it all right now rather then bottle it all up and be in a bad mood everywhere else.

Goodbye and thank you = )

Something of importance...

So since I last wrote I have returned from England and the summer is basically over....crazy! It seems like just yesterday it was starting and now I'm going to buy notebooks for school...bleh

Well not alot happened once I returned home....I spent alot of time doing crafts and waiting for my job to get me back into the schedule. During that time I had very little activity and started eating not so great....which stressed me because I didn't want to gain all the weight I thought I had lost being in England. Well I've gotten ahead of myself....I didn't actually lose that much weight there.....while I do think I toned up my legs a considerable amount I actually weighed MUCH more than I felt or even looked...it was a scary number - 187lbs.

This stressed me into a baby food diet and I lost five pounds which I quickly gained back the following weekend. The thing was my mind wasn't there and thats the things about food, diets, and weight....it's a mental game....NOT physical. You can do as many diets as you want but they will all fail if you're not mentally there. Well I'm not sure when something clicked in my brain exactly, but it was probably around the time I realized how much I like a certain boy..(that always motivates me)

Anyways I just realized that this wasn't impossible....and to tell you the truth...in my subconscious I used to believe it was for years....at least the last three.

I just started dieting and nothing could stop me....I pumped myself up...building up the diet and my motivation ever day until I was at a point of motivation I've never had.

This was probably 3 weeks ago....since then I've been obsessively dieting and looking at thinspo everyday for motivation. I will tell you....when I diet...I starve....I will purge if necessary and I will do anything it takes. I used to starve myself in highschool and I lost ALOT of weight that way.....but middway through my diet I lost motivation....this scares me for now, but I'm older...I've had more dieting experience and I have learned from my mistakes....I know that discouragement could come and I'm ready for it....this time I won't be defeated.

When i was 15 I used to look at anorexia sites for encouragement and getting back into the community has been so helpful....Its so nice to see so many girls who are so much like me....they just get it.

Well I've lost 16 pounds....today i weighed in at 174. At 5'8 I still feel obese, but I feel consolation everytime I look in the mirror just knowing that it won't be this way for long. My goal weight for right now is 130lbs. In the mean time I've using my mini goals to get there....in increments of 10lbs. ....In about two days I should hit 170 and by the end of the month I want to be 160. It may or may not happen, but My ultimate goal should happen by the end of October at the latest. That is when I would like to hit 130lbs. From there I will obviously shoot for something smaller....such as 120 or 115, but for now 130 is where I'm looking.

To give you an idea of what I've done so far I'll tell you my diet. Basically I've found that I have to hit this point of calories where my body doesn't think it's starving(because then I lose nothing as this week proved to me) but it's pretty close. I usually have alot of tea throughout the day, toast with some peanut butter for breakfast and then some broccoli with a little low fat cheese. My caloric intake is about 400 a day and I've been walking at night. I feel so fat and ashamed right now that I feel like any pro ana person would probably laugh at my numbers, but I'm headed the right direction and I will be there soon enough.

I know things will work this time because it's not even about the weightloss ....I just don't want food anymore. I'm angry....I'm angry that this stupid food has kept me from everything I've wanted in life. This stupid food is the only reason I dislike myself.....this food is the reason all the boys I've loved haven't like me back....this food is the reason I've been embarrassed/ This food is the reason I can't figure out what to wear most days. This food is the reason I have to try so hard. This food made me ugly, unwanted, rejected, embarrassed, ashamed, left out, forgotten, unhappy, hideous, disgusting, undeserving. This food didn't give me life....it took it away and now that I realize this....I have control.