It’s been 10 years

First of all... I’m old. I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since I started this thing. Second of all - how strange that I randomly had inspiration to start again RIGHT at the 10 year anniversary of this blog. Well let me catch you up. Beginning of this past week I guess (probably 8/4) I was 200lbs. Awesome. So many things that brought me here but this path started in late 2014/early 2015. Hair loss is a bitch and a real life destroyer. It completed screwed up my workouts and fitness regime and I began to really comfort eat. Basically I gained 75lbs over 6 years. Every year I diet multiple times and every time is “going to be different” but it never is. I don’t want to make anymore stupid promises, but something feels different this time. I quit my anti depressant about 10 days ago and I think that was a hugeeee factor in my weight issues. I’ve been practically unable to drop weight on ADs. I’ve been on many in the last 4 years and I truly believe they are a major reason for a lot of this weight. My hair issues are slowly being resolved and I’ve had many bought of temp weight loss and hardcore workouts, however, I’m never able to get below a certain weight - usually high 160’s is best I can do. Antidepressants have given me a bigger appetite and strange cravings. Honestly this last one made me crave papa johns 24/7. I went through a period where I was eating a medium papa johns pizza all by myself every couple days. If you haven’t experienced cravings like this you can’t possibly understand, but basically it’s impossible to deny the craving. 20lbs of the weight gain came in the few months I’ve been on Effexor. Prior to Effexor I was around 178lbs. In any case here I am. I’m 195lbs today (8/9/2020) and I’m trying to start over. My mind just feels a little different right now. My old self doesn’t feel like it has to be some distant memory, but rather someone that’s still inside me and can still be. These 5lbs have come off pretty easy and tbh I’m surprised this has even been weight I need to lose. I was convinced that much of the weight I was seeing was water or constipation, but nope it’s seems like it was very real. 🙄 I’ve really only been dieting 4 days (or today will make 5). First day was probably 2000 calories followed 1600 - followed by 1300 - and finally just under 800 yesterday which surprisingly was so easy. I honestly think the more this Effexor gets out of my system the easier dieting will be. I can’t explain how much this drug fucked up my appetite. I haven’t really set goals yet and maybe I need to but I’m just kind of taking things one day at a time for now.

A year without rain...

So I didn't even remember to weigh in this morning... this whole drama at work has taken my mind off my facial issue and my weight.

A few weeks ago I remember how big of a deal I made about this diet and now slowly it's become the least of my worries. I don't really think too much because I just am not eating....yesterday I had toast as usual and that was all. I usually just eat breakfast and thats it. So I had 100 calories yesterday. I guess that why I haven't thought about the scale....I know I'm doing my part and thats all that matters. Plus I haven't been showing any weight loss because I never poop!!!!!!!! I know thats disgusting, but I am so constipated.....I swear if my got rid of everything I would lose around 5 pounds....swear.

I mean I know I don't eat alot, but still I should be getting rid of more than I actually do.

Anyways I'm staying faithful to the plan....I promise...

I can't wait to pass out....I can't wait to be skin and bones....I can't wait to be dying....I can't wait to be scary looking....I just want it now.

Detox

Okay so I hate to give up on a diet so soon after starting, but I don't consider this really quitting. As you know I started the ABC diet yesterday and I had 500 calories yesterday as the diet requires. Today I had 400....I know it says I can have up to 500, but I'm havign a hard time allowing myself to eat. I just feel so upset and guilty whenever I do. No matter what I eat I feel depressed for having eaten. Only when I'm not eating and starving do I feel happy and in control.

Obviously very typical feelings.

So back to why I'm "quitting" the ABC diet...well I need to detox I think. This is going to be kind of disgusting so feel free to stop reading if you want. Okay so basically my bowels don't move much these days and I think it's because I don't eat very much but also because I think I'm a little constipated. I feel like this has alot to do with the lack of movement on the scale. So tomorrow I'm starting a grape and water diet. Its not only going to help clear me out, but I should lose some serious weight on it and I hear it has weird cures....apparently it cured a woman's cancer. So this diet lasts 5 days. I'm honestly wondering how this is going to work. I mean I don't eat very much at all, but to not eat anything but grapes is an entirely different proposition. Anyways I'll be sure to keep the blog posted on my results of the diet in case anyone wants to try in the future.

As far as my weight goes. I mentioned that last week I hit 174lbs and the next day I shot up to 176lbs for no reason. Seriously I barely eat....I can't understand why I gained, but I sustained that weight until yesterday when I dropped to 175lbs. It's like the scale won't acknowledge I'm practically killing myself trying to lose weight, but my body on the other hand seems rough lately. I'm ALWAYS cold....I already have anemia and the dieting has made it worse. I use heat in my car and it's in the 80's here. = O

I have bruises all over my body....I ache all the time...I'm constantly exhausted....I have huge dark circles under my eyes and my clothes aren't fitting anymore....but still the scale denies me all I really want. I just want that number to go down!!!!!!!! I was supposed to be in the low 160's by the end of the month....fat chance now. I just feel so far from my goals. I have 45lbs to lose and with this weight not budging in over a week....It just makes me wonder if I'll ever get there.

I've also been thinking about bulimia. One time in high school during a flair up of my ed I decided to make myself throw up after a binge and I succeeded....barely. I'm just not good at it. I think it's because I'm so afraid. Anorexia feels safe....I have control right now and I don't have to deal with too many negative side affects unlike true bulimics. Honestly its just nice to not have buy food. As long as I'm not eating there isn't much to buy. There is so much expense involved with bulimia and then theres the teeth issue....I don't even drink my tea or coffee without a straw. Besides I just don't know if I would like the idea of eating so much...I think it would make me panicky. The reason I even bring it up is because despite the fact that I am so deeply involved in this diet ...I'm just wondering what might happen if one day I snap and start eating??? what do I do??? I'm going to have to purge. I'll have to. I hope I don't get to that point, but I'm sure this is the same thought process most people have gone through.

I guess I'm off for now.... = |

Something of importance...

So since I last wrote I have returned from England and the summer is basically over....crazy! It seems like just yesterday it was starting and now I'm going to buy notebooks for school...bleh

Well not alot happened once I returned home....I spent alot of time doing crafts and waiting for my job to get me back into the schedule. During that time I had very little activity and started eating not so great....which stressed me because I didn't want to gain all the weight I thought I had lost being in England. Well I've gotten ahead of myself....I didn't actually lose that much weight there.....while I do think I toned up my legs a considerable amount I actually weighed MUCH more than I felt or even looked...it was a scary number - 187lbs.

This stressed me into a baby food diet and I lost five pounds which I quickly gained back the following weekend. The thing was my mind wasn't there and thats the things about food, diets, and weight....it's a mental game....NOT physical. You can do as many diets as you want but they will all fail if you're not mentally there. Well I'm not sure when something clicked in my brain exactly, but it was probably around the time I realized how much I like a certain boy..(that always motivates me)

Anyways I just realized that this wasn't impossible....and to tell you the truth...in my subconscious I used to believe it was for years....at least the last three.

I just started dieting and nothing could stop me....I pumped myself up...building up the diet and my motivation ever day until I was at a point of motivation I've never had.

This was probably 3 weeks ago....since then I've been obsessively dieting and looking at thinspo everyday for motivation. I will tell you....when I diet...I starve....I will purge if necessary and I will do anything it takes. I used to starve myself in highschool and I lost ALOT of weight that way.....but middway through my diet I lost motivation....this scares me for now, but I'm older...I've had more dieting experience and I have learned from my mistakes....I know that discouragement could come and I'm ready for it....this time I won't be defeated.

When i was 15 I used to look at anorexia sites for encouragement and getting back into the community has been so helpful....Its so nice to see so many girls who are so much like me....they just get it.

Well I've lost 16 pounds....today i weighed in at 174. At 5'8 I still feel obese, but I feel consolation everytime I look in the mirror just knowing that it won't be this way for long. My goal weight for right now is 130lbs. In the mean time I've using my mini goals to get there....in increments of 10lbs. ....In about two days I should hit 170 and by the end of the month I want to be 160. It may or may not happen, but My ultimate goal should happen by the end of October at the latest. That is when I would like to hit 130lbs. From there I will obviously shoot for something smaller....such as 120 or 115, but for now 130 is where I'm looking.

To give you an idea of what I've done so far I'll tell you my diet. Basically I've found that I have to hit this point of calories where my body doesn't think it's starving(because then I lose nothing as this week proved to me) but it's pretty close. I usually have alot of tea throughout the day, toast with some peanut butter for breakfast and then some broccoli with a little low fat cheese. My caloric intake is about 400 a day and I've been walking at night. I feel so fat and ashamed right now that I feel like any pro ana person would probably laugh at my numbers, but I'm headed the right direction and I will be there soon enough.

I know things will work this time because it's not even about the weightloss ....I just don't want food anymore. I'm angry....I'm angry that this stupid food has kept me from everything I've wanted in life. This stupid food is the only reason I dislike myself.....this food is the reason all the boys I've loved haven't like me back....this food is the reason I've been embarrassed/ This food is the reason I can't figure out what to wear most days. This food is the reason I have to try so hard. This food made me ugly, unwanted, rejected, embarrassed, ashamed, left out, forgotten, unhappy, hideous, disgusting, undeserving. This food didn't give me life....it took it away and now that I realize this....I have control.