500

I can't explain this feeling....It's like I'm just living in a daze. Actually its like I'm not living....I'm a zombie. All I do is think about weight and dieting. I have this diesease and I feel guilty day after day because I've spread this to others. One of the last things I ever shared with my friend(the one that was fired many months ago) was that i ate only a few hundred calories a day and he was totally fascinated. Soon after he was fired he started dropping weight. He looks completely anorexic last time I saw him. To add to that...I saw someone wrote on his Facebook thanking him for the dieting tips and that they had lost 10lbs.

Eating disorders are a cancer that spread by word of mouth. Whether it be a comment someone makes that destroys someone's self esteem till they want to starve themselves to death or the tips and tricks we all share on here or other sites. I'll feel guilty about that for a very long time.

Once someone has truly seen the darkest pits of this problem...there's no fun and games there anymore. It will only become a darker struggle. I don't know exactly when I realized I was no longer in control of the disorder, but I do know the joy of weight loss and life instantly stopped.

I ate 500 calories today. Tomorrow I'm shooting for 100.

A year without rain...

So I didn't even remember to weigh in this morning... this whole drama at work has taken my mind off my facial issue and my weight.

A few weeks ago I remember how big of a deal I made about this diet and now slowly it's become the least of my worries. I don't really think too much because I just am not eating....yesterday I had toast as usual and that was all. I usually just eat breakfast and thats it. So I had 100 calories yesterday. I guess that why I haven't thought about the scale....I know I'm doing my part and thats all that matters. Plus I haven't been showing any weight loss because I never poop!!!!!!!! I know thats disgusting, but I am so constipated.....I swear if my got rid of everything I would lose around 5 pounds....swear.

I mean I know I don't eat alot, but still I should be getting rid of more than I actually do.

Anyways I'm staying faithful to the plan....I promise...

I can't wait to pass out....I can't wait to be skin and bones....I can't wait to be dying....I can't wait to be scary looking....I just want it now.

Detox

Okay so I hate to give up on a diet so soon after starting, but I don't consider this really quitting. As you know I started the ABC diet yesterday and I had 500 calories yesterday as the diet requires. Today I had 400....I know it says I can have up to 500, but I'm havign a hard time allowing myself to eat. I just feel so upset and guilty whenever I do. No matter what I eat I feel depressed for having eaten. Only when I'm not eating and starving do I feel happy and in control.

Obviously very typical feelings.

So back to why I'm "quitting" the ABC diet...well I need to detox I think. This is going to be kind of disgusting so feel free to stop reading if you want. Okay so basically my bowels don't move much these days and I think it's because I don't eat very much but also because I think I'm a little constipated. I feel like this has alot to do with the lack of movement on the scale. So tomorrow I'm starting a grape and water diet. Its not only going to help clear me out, but I should lose some serious weight on it and I hear it has weird cures....apparently it cured a woman's cancer. So this diet lasts 5 days. I'm honestly wondering how this is going to work. I mean I don't eat very much at all, but to not eat anything but grapes is an entirely different proposition. Anyways I'll be sure to keep the blog posted on my results of the diet in case anyone wants to try in the future.

As far as my weight goes. I mentioned that last week I hit 174lbs and the next day I shot up to 176lbs for no reason. Seriously I barely eat....I can't understand why I gained, but I sustained that weight until yesterday when I dropped to 175lbs. It's like the scale won't acknowledge I'm practically killing myself trying to lose weight, but my body on the other hand seems rough lately. I'm ALWAYS cold....I already have anemia and the dieting has made it worse. I use heat in my car and it's in the 80's here. = O

I have bruises all over my body....I ache all the time...I'm constantly exhausted....I have huge dark circles under my eyes and my clothes aren't fitting anymore....but still the scale denies me all I really want. I just want that number to go down!!!!!!!! I was supposed to be in the low 160's by the end of the month....fat chance now. I just feel so far from my goals. I have 45lbs to lose and with this weight not budging in over a week....It just makes me wonder if I'll ever get there.

I've also been thinking about bulimia. One time in high school during a flair up of my ed I decided to make myself throw up after a binge and I succeeded....barely. I'm just not good at it. I think it's because I'm so afraid. Anorexia feels safe....I have control right now and I don't have to deal with too many negative side affects unlike true bulimics. Honestly its just nice to not have buy food. As long as I'm not eating there isn't much to buy. There is so much expense involved with bulimia and then theres the teeth issue....I don't even drink my tea or coffee without a straw. Besides I just don't know if I would like the idea of eating so much...I think it would make me panicky. The reason I even bring it up is because despite the fact that I am so deeply involved in this diet ...I'm just wondering what might happen if one day I snap and start eating??? what do I do??? I'm going to have to purge. I'll have to. I hope I don't get to that point, but I'm sure this is the same thought process most people have gone through.

I guess I'm off for now.... = |

Undefeated

Today I was excited to get on the scales only to see that I am STILL at the same weight I've pretty much maintained ALLLLLL week! It makes no sense! I barely eat 400 calories a day and I can't lose anything???! It's got to be starvation mode. I was really annoyed but then I realized I didn't care toooooo much because its not about the numbers anymore....its about my hatred of food....I'm not tempted by it whatsoever. Despite cookies, donuts, and chips being in the house I haven't even considered eating outside of my safe foods. To me that is the success of this week. Ana is winning right now...not on the scale, but in my mind...and I'm happy for it.

As of right now I've decided to change my approach....I'm going to start the ABC diet. I'll have no problem with the calorie limits....Actually I'm kind of afraid of the amount you are actually expected to eat on some days. Anyways I think it will confuse my body into dropping weight instead of holding onto everything I eat. Today I ate the following:

40 pretzel sticks: 100 calories

1 bag of vegetables in a sauce: 200

= 300 calories

I hope I see some results tomorrow.

Oh well....farewell for now.