It's been a while = )

So it always worried me when I would be reading someone's blog and then they suddenly stopped writing. I would wonder if they died in some tragic way or if the diet finally got them. I felt it was important to eventually return to this blog and let anyone who cared know how my life has turned out.

I've just been reading over my old posts and wow. What a journey I've been on over the past year. I think I really found myself over the past year. As hard as it's been I don't think I would change a thing.

Let me start by saying that I am recovered (for the most part) from my ED. For me, recovery at this point means that I always eat at least 1200 calories and I don't punish myself for eating more or overeating. I don't purge and I exercise regularly. = )

In fact I am running in my first 5k this weekend! I'm the strongest I've ever been and the healthiest!

Let me now say that I didn't think this was possible a few months ago even. I never thought I would see the day when I wasn't obsessed with calories and I sure as hell didn't think I'd ever see the day where I ran for fun...let alone payedddd to run in a race. haha


I have alot more to say with regards to my recovery and my current standing, but if I could put my turning point down to one thing it would be this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zxXi0yeGGw


I really hope anyone struggling will watch this video and let everything sink in.

My lovely followers...I hope you are happy and healthy. = )

I'll discuss this more when I have a bit more time!

= )

I saw the therapist Monday. It was weird because I had in my mind what things would look like and how the therapist would act and when I actually got there I was almost in a state of shock as to how different things were from what I imagined.
I pictured like a nice office and a waiting room with some couches and plush chairs...and a therapist that was super warm/friendly. The reality is that the "office: is basically in a dilapidated old trailer. = ( I walked in to a tiny dark, dingy room full of crazy people...literally. It was gross and the people were so odd that I literally considered just getting up and leaving, but I decided to give the therapist a try at least because I was in such bad shape.

When I finally went back to her office to meet her I just answered all her preliminary questions and such she had to do for new patients. The office completely transforms when you get past the waiting room and it's actually quite nice. It took nearly an hour to do all the initial paperwork, but it gave us an idea about each other. She seems nice, but she is very stand-offish. I felt like she was looking at me several times like I was weird, but then again I'm crazy paranoid so who knows.
I have alot of hope that this will really help. = )

Yesterday I relapsed a little and had a 500 calorie day out of desperation and insecurity, but today I went to the gym and I've eaten really healthy. This should end up being a 1200 calorie day. = )

I want to thank you all for the continued support you all show me! I really appreciate it! I never knew things would spiral out like they have, but I have faith that they will get better.

Hopeful

I weigh 142. Bleh.

I'm slightly better than I was the other day mood wise. That day at the doctor was basically life changing. It was the first time I've acknowledged my inner most secrets and flaws to someone. My friends/sisters don't even know my problems.

The reason it was so traumatic is because I cried in the office. Embarrassing. The nurse I cried in front of was horrified. haha It's not funny, but she look so scared! The doctor was more normal. She asked em how I see myself. I was like "Really fat." ...obviously. She said I was a normal weight and even somewhat thin. Obviously fake encouragement. oh well. She is supposed to refer me to a psychologist, but it's been several days and still no word. That's really annoying. Like I need help now! The sooner I can see someone the sooner this whole mess can be behind me!

I've been eating around 1000 calories. Just trying to keep my intake up.

I find that I'm more motivated to lose weight this way...less likely to binge...and more mentally stable.

A typical day for me eating wise goes like this:

2/3 cup Granola Cereal: 250 calories(a little less than that, but i always say 250 just in case...I'd rather estimate high rather than low)

1 small potato and plain steamed broccoli: 250

Maybe an apple: 100

Salad(100) and 1/2 Oatmeal(300): 400

If I reallllly want something else I may nibble on some pretzels but that's about it.
I'm trying to eat balanced meals. Meals with carbs, vegetables, and protein.

I'm hoping when school gets out i can spend alot more time in the gym. I just need to be at least 130. Ed or not...I have to be 130 at least. I'm so close that theres no reason I shouldn't be able to.

Hope everyone is well!

500

I can't explain this feeling....It's like I'm just living in a daze. Actually its like I'm not living....I'm a zombie. All I do is think about weight and dieting. I have this diesease and I feel guilty day after day because I've spread this to others. One of the last things I ever shared with my friend(the one that was fired many months ago) was that i ate only a few hundred calories a day and he was totally fascinated. Soon after he was fired he started dropping weight. He looks completely anorexic last time I saw him. To add to that...I saw someone wrote on his Facebook thanking him for the dieting tips and that they had lost 10lbs.

Eating disorders are a cancer that spread by word of mouth. Whether it be a comment someone makes that destroys someone's self esteem till they want to starve themselves to death or the tips and tricks we all share on here or other sites. I'll feel guilty about that for a very long time.

Once someone has truly seen the darkest pits of this problem...there's no fun and games there anymore. It will only become a darker struggle. I don't know exactly when I realized I was no longer in control of the disorder, but I do know the joy of weight loss and life instantly stopped.

I ate 500 calories today. Tomorrow I'm shooting for 100.

Harder than expected...

I miss 100 calories....I miss success. I miss control. I miss feeling powerful and stronger than most.

This is so hard. I am literally forcing myself to keep up with 1200 calories and to be honest I'm not actually eating 1200...it's more like 1000. my breaking point to do this is primarily my hair....it's soooooooooooo thin and brittle. You can see so much baldness on my scalp. = ( I feel so ugly.

I feel ugly because this issue seems so petty. Like there are people in the world who are starving and I'm obsessing of the consumption of food like this??

Yesterday I was extremelyyyyyyy low and I finally decided to call the counselling office at my school. After getting the nerve to call(I was literally shaking) I hear on the other end that the office is closed. Closed? the counselling office is seriously closed during business hours when they are supposed to be open?
I realize I could call again, but see I built up the nerve to ask for help yesterday. I don't have that nerve today....I don't. I don't have time either.

I'm just so sad. I wish people that knew me now knew what I was like a few years ago. Like maybe I was chunky, but I was happy and I liked myself and I laughed ALL the time. I never laugh anymore. Not like I used to. I used to have laughing spells that lasted for a half hour and now I'm lucky to smile.

Yesterday the urge was so strong to restrict.....today I really want to restrict. It's only my will power, fear of more hairloss, and refusal of ruining my metabolism any more that is keeping me going.

I hope you all are doing well.