Harder than expected...

I miss 100 calories....I miss success. I miss control. I miss feeling powerful and stronger than most.

This is so hard. I am literally forcing myself to keep up with 1200 calories and to be honest I'm not actually eating 1200...it's more like 1000. my breaking point to do this is primarily my hair....it's soooooooooooo thin and brittle. You can see so much baldness on my scalp. = ( I feel so ugly.

I feel ugly because this issue seems so petty. Like there are people in the world who are starving and I'm obsessing of the consumption of food like this??

Yesterday I was extremelyyyyyyy low and I finally decided to call the counselling office at my school. After getting the nerve to call(I was literally shaking) I hear on the other end that the office is closed. Closed? the counselling office is seriously closed during business hours when they are supposed to be open?
I realize I could call again, but see I built up the nerve to ask for help yesterday. I don't have that nerve today....I don't. I don't have time either.

I'm just so sad. I wish people that knew me now knew what I was like a few years ago. Like maybe I was chunky, but I was happy and I liked myself and I laughed ALL the time. I never laugh anymore. Not like I used to. I used to have laughing spells that lasted for a half hour and now I'm lucky to smile.

Yesterday the urge was so strong to restrict.....today I really want to restrict. It's only my will power, fear of more hairloss, and refusal of ruining my metabolism any more that is keeping me going.

I hope you all are doing well.