Dead

All day I've been in a fog. I'm just staring blankly...in silence.

I saw the doctor this morning about my ED. I cried. I humiliated myself.

I don't cry in public. I'm a perfectionist. I always have to appear like I have everything together. I always have to seem perfect. I never go out without makeup and an outfit picked out. I'm ALWAYS together.

Not today. Today I sat in an office...sobbing...and telling 2 people how pathetic I am. How weird I am. How UNperfect I am.

Leaving that office I felt exposed...violated...horrified with embarrassment.

I haven't spoken to anyone all day. I answered my Moms questions about what tests were done and then I went off to my room.

I truly feel like I died today.
I can't explain how traumatic the past few weeks have been. I just keep feeling worse and worse....but today...today was the worst.

I don't have a referral for a psychologist yet and I don't know when they'll call me with one. Right now it feels like this was all for nothing because there hasn't been any help or progress...just torment.
It's only because I have hope that I surviving this day.

I have to believe I may be able to resolve all my issues. I have to.