The Endless Cycle

So yesterday I did what I often do when I get panicky about my ED. I start binging. I just started eating this candy out of an easter basket my sister gave me. It was all downhill from there. I ate all the candies and a cookie, potatoes, broccoli, oatmeal, cereal, pretzels, a sandwich, piece of cake, fruit, jello salad, and probably something else I can't remember. I finally got so stuffed and sick that I couldn't stand up straight ...that's always my signal that I am ready to purge. I purged in the toilet rather than my bedroom trash can like I usually do because my family was gone. omg....Thats why I struggled with purging in the past...because I wasn't positioned correctly. Doing it in the toilet was the key. I threw up everything. I ended up eating some fruit and a piece of carrot cake last night because it was my sister's birthday, but I still didn't think my calorie intake was that high. Today I wake up though and I'm 144. What the heck happened....I purged it. I know I got it all up because I weighed myself after.

Everytime I binge the next day I have this burning feeling in my stomach/chest and this emptiness that doesn't feel like normal hunger. It's like more extreme. It's miserable. My stomach has been gurgling all morning and I'm just really disgusted with myself.

I want to go back to that resolve I had a few weeks ago when I started eating 1200 calories. I want to feel normal and healthy, but then another part of me wants to feel faint and sick from starvation. I want to feel weak. I want to be losing weight!

I just don't know what to do. I was resolved to get an appt with my doctor, but now I'm wondering if that's the right thing. I need to lose more weight! Besides that I don't want to go to the doctor when I'm this fat. She'll think I'm a joke.

Everytime I start the starvation thoughts I also start wanting to binge. Like it puts this desperation in me, but when I was allowing myself 1200 calories and "being normal" I wasn't even really tempted by food. Like I only ate at my meal times and it was just food to me...I didn't have this emotional draw to it. Because of that I was taking in around 900-1000 calories and not even hitting my limit.


idk what to do. Suggestions??


Thanks for all the support and advice! Your comments mean alot! really and truly.

Btw, I'm not sure if you saw my response, A. I had accidently written my home phone number when I wasn't thinking. My cell is 304-561-8224 if you want to buddy-up on diet. = )