Rituals

My diet right now is extremely ritualized. I eat the same thing day after day and the only thing that varies is my occasional snack. I'm barely taking in 1200 calories and I'm not losing weight. I'm miserable about how I look and my lack of dieting progress, but I've been unable to starve and a part of me doesn't want to any more anyways.
But today I woke up and went to have my cereal I've been eating everyday fors weeks now and someone ate the rest of it. Sounds so silly....sounds petty that this would upset me right? but I'm so dependent on these foods. These foods tell me I'm safe...that things are going to be okay. That as long as I eat them I can recover and be healthy and most of all NORMAL. So when I'm smacked with this reality that every things off kilter first thing in the morning....I just can't handle that.
I'm already so angry. I haven't been talking to my family. I haven't said one kind word to my family in days. I've just been in shut down mode all week. I was naive to think that recovery was here because I was eating 1200 calories. The truth is...recovery will be months long if not a year. It took me years to dig this hole and I won't be able to just jump out. There's an extremely long ladder to climb.

Basically I was so upset about the cereal this morning because I'd been telling myself that I needed to starve today...I had finally built up the motivation to go down and NOT starve and then when I realized my non-starving food was gone...it was like my ED was telling me it had control again and I just needed to follow it's orders.

So I did. I grabbed my 100 calorie toast and settled into the starving reality.

I'm going to starve this weekend. I just can't take it anymore....I'm so freaking fat and I know I can be 140 by Sunday if I just do this. I can eat normally throughout the week to boost my metabolism and starve every weekend.
Starving will help me loose the weight and the 1200 calorie diet will help me maintain.

Song of the Day - Annie by Jonatha Brooke


Until next time = )