The Lowest Low...

For a while life seemed like it was on the up swing....I loved going to work. Seeing my friends made work my fun time....it didn't even feel like work. But life doesn't want me to be happy....I can't be losing weight, looking pretty, and having fun. No....this week had to turn my world upside down. I lost my period due to starvation....It's been the weirdest thing....I've cramped sooooo bad, but I only spot when I pee....other than that...nothing. I guess it's nice, but I don't know what to think....

I've been so wrapped up in this diet that it's consumed everything....then my face happened. Last Sunday I got this pimple on my chin...and I treated it everyday and night for several days to no avail....so getting desperate I tried this salt treatment on it. Long story short....the salt mask burnt through so many layers of skin on the pimple that my skin turned black there....so all week I had grotesque nastiness on my face. My face issue consumed me so much that I almost lost sight of my eating...in fact I ate 600 calories one day .....I felt soooo disgusting and horrible. I realized that the starvation...the hunger....the pain makes me feel beautiful...makes me feel pretty. Without it I feel average, ugly, unimportant, and worthless. As long as I am deprived I have power and am superior to everyone around me...because I have control unlike them.

Today I got back on track with the diet and I ate just under 200 calories...which is pretty much the average now. I eat about 100-200 on a normal day....anything more is a bad day and anything less is celebratory.

Well today I was kind of sad to go to work because my face issue was enough to embarrass me in front of my friends....when I got there I saw that my closest friend was X'ed off the schedule for the day and I figured hours had just been cut. Then I started looking ahead in the schedule and realized he was X'ed out the next day and completely removed from the schedule the next week. I instantly felt shakey and my mind was full of panic and fear. Surely he hadn't quit, but there was no way he was fired....I had no one to ask about the situation because my manager on duty had never liked him anyway. As soon as i left I texted him and he had been fired.

So many things have gone through my mind, but mainly I feel so lost. Between the stress of school, my personal issues, my loneliness, my body image, work, and now I lost my only local friend...and in the worst way. It honestly feels like he died. In a way it's like he has....I know he will be unmentionable now at work...I don't know what he was fired for, but I can imagine we arent going to be able to discuss it anyways. Work was one of the only places we could be together ...we're both too busy otherwise. I just feel like someone who made life worth living is no longer a part of my life and I feel so hurt.

This is surely going to send my eating to an all time low....which I suppose is somewhat of a good outcome. I just don't even want to look at food. I just want to die really....but i don't want to take pills or shoot myself....I want to starve to death. That is a beautiful death.

I forgot to mention....I'm 169lbs.