"Sometimes we trip so we don't fall"

Okay so today was reallllllllllllllllllllllly discouraging. I've been seeing this trend of eating more developing with me. I've just gotten comfortablt with eating 500 calories or more.....let me rephrase that actually. I'm NOT comfortable with it...I'm extremely down and depressed about it, but I guess i've lost the self control I had for a while there. I remember I used to look at other girls pages and be like "How can they eat that much and feel like they are on track???"

I guess its not that I feel I'm on track, but I'm still committed to this. Tomorrow I am determined to get my groove back....I seriously miss the feeling of being faint and sick. It really did make me feel beautiful. wow! .....Ummm as I typed that last sentence I had a revelation. For the first time in a long time I've been happier in every other aspect of my life! thats what it is! When I'm happy I'm eating....when i'm depressed and down I starve myself!! I wasn't going to write tonight but I know how much this helps me in this whole process to just verbalize my feelings....It helps me to realize things I didn't know I was feeling had I not had to describe them. Well this is one such instance. I'm going to have to bring back the sad music and such...if it keeps me thin I guess nothing else matters.

There is a realllllllllly good looking guy that works in my mall. I recently told people how I had this crush on him and then this weekend I found out he was a model. I was soooo embarrassed. So embarrassed that people think I'm a pathetic fatty lusting after some guy that's completely out of my league. Ughhhh.....I just instantly felt over him or any thought I'd had of pursuing him. I just hate that I have all the potential in the world to be really pretty but I'm trapped in this disgusting body.....AND now I've been slipping up in my diet!! Ughhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! whats wrong with me. I've been stuck at 167 and instead of fighting to be at a more acceptable weight I've been okay with staying this unattractive pathetic girl.

When I get to 120 I can have anyone I want......thats 47 pounds away.....That just feels impossible....especially considering the fact that I'm stumbling at around 25 pounds right now.....

But no! this is not happening!! I am not surrendering to this! I am facing this head on. I am going to write out exactly what was eaten on this binge today.

Toast: 120

half a sandwich: 40

salad 3x's: 200

half a banana w/dark chocolate: 100

toast: 120

Sandwich w/ vegan cheese: 130

Grapes: 100

= 810??? I think

I can't remember everythign to be completely honest, but I can tell you that the only things I eat are toast, spinach salads w/tomotoes and this really light vegan dressing, and sandwiches with vegan mayonnaise that only has 10 calories plus bread thats 35cal a slice and 40calorie vegan cheese.....and I eat grapes....So basically I couldn't have eaten over a 1000 calories....I guess this wasn't as bad as it could have been.

Let me give you all a tip - Go vegan. Not only will you be saving innocent life and preventing animal abuse....you will also have a great reason for not eating certain things with people. Also vegan foods are sooooooooooooooooooooo LOW FAT. When i say I binge ate today and then you see that I still had under 1000 calories....you know thats got to be the way to go. Honestly I stayed stuffed all day. I was eating like every hour, but everything is so low fat and it just runs through you. Anyways....thats just my tip. Oh and let me emphasize...vegetarian is NOT VEGAN. I was vegetarian for 5 years before going vegan and I stayed fat that whole time pretty much. I think it would be prettttty hard to be a fat vegan. I mean I'm fat but im losing weight....I guess I'm saying it would be hard to stay fat and be a true vegan.