"Are you trying to be bad at this?"

Ughhhh where do I begin? Well first off....I've now lost 26 pounds and weigh 164. Thats good I guess. I can't explain it...I know other ED people will get this but it just doesn't feel like success anymore. Like I'm happy to be losing weight, but despite the weight loss I no longer feel successful. I haven't back-tracked once since I started this episode several months ago....and by that I mean I've never gained weight....not even for one day. I've either been maintaining one weight for a couple days or consistently losing, but for some reason I feel like I've gained. It just feels like I'm getting bigger everyday. I don't know how this is possible but I just feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fat. I feel like people are looking at me and thinking I'm a beast....which is weird because on one hand I see guys checking me out all the time and even though I know its happening...it's not like it changes my thought process.....just like seeing a lower number on the scale doesn't change the fact that I feel like it's a higher number.

I guess I just feel like I'm trying so hard to get away from this disgusting weight and I'm still fat and I still have a disgusting gut and I still fit in a size 12....A SIZE 12!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I fit into size 12 jeans 26 pounds ago....I mean they were skin tight and I muffin topped in them, but I was wearing them.....so how does 26 pounds of weight loss mean that I can fit in size 12 and not muffin top??? Seems like 26 pounds would at least mean a size 8 would fit comfortably. I think the size thing makes me feel the worst. All my shirts fit differently though....and this leather jacket I bought when I was probably 40 pounds heavier almost a year ago....now fits so loose that it doesn't wear right. Anyways I just eat soooooooooooooooooooo much more than I was...and i guess thats why I feel fat. Like today I had the following:

Toast: 100

pretzels: 100

salad w/ 15 calorie dressing: 30

salad: 100

sandwich: 120

sandwich: 110

toast: 100

almond milk: 30

Jello: 10

= 700 calories!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wow! I'm embarassed to even write that here.

I honestly don't keep that hardcore of a count anymore...like I know a rough number of calories for everything I eat and I try to eat as little as possible, but I don't always total my calories everyday.

wow. Well there you have it world....I'm out of control.

It actually blows my mind to think that I have eaten MORE than that before. like pre-diet days.

Oh and also....I'm so stressed about my diet and school and life that I now have hives.

In other news I sort of got my period back today....It still seems veryyy light, but it's stronger than the pretty much non-existent one I had a month ago. So THAT was veryyyyyyy discouraging. my bod is telling me I'm eating better which means I'm EATING......which means I'm failing.

I wonder when someone is going to start reading this or start caring about this blog at all....I'm starting to think it's not going to happen. I guess the real point of me writing this is to get all these pent up thoughts out so this blog is fulfilling it's purpose whether it's read or not, but still it would be encouraging to know someone else got how i felt or knew what I was going through.

Until next time...