I find myself sometimes feeling retarded like ...this while not eating when I'm basically obese....like who do I think I am?? I'm not some skinny girl with anorexia....I'm a fat blob on a kick. It's almost like a joke, but then I realize how much I want to be bones and how afraid I am of not being that way and it occurs to me that anyone w/o an ED wouldn't even be going through the thought processes I am.
Starvation is truly the only thing I have control over these days....My life is insane. Between the work thing and school and my own body image and starving....its like theres no joy except in the satisfaction of knowing I'm getting thinner. I think everyone thought for a while that I was just dieting intensely and now they are realizing that this isn't a yo-yo diet and i'm not losing steam....I'm in this really deep and I'm unable to get out. Last weigh in was 167....I'm not sure if thats still the same as the last time I posted or not. I've got to get serious about things though.
It used to be that eating 400 calories a day felt extreme...now thats a bad day..but I've been having alot of bad days....It just seems like I've been eating 400 calories ALOT here lately and thats not okay....100 calories is a good day....I can't do more than my toast for breakfast without feeling ashamed....I'm think of starting to purge...If I learned how to purge I could feel guiltless about even the toast. I could maybe really start to make headway. Because right now I just feel like the numbers never move....like honestly I probably won't see the 150's until the end of the month....thats ridiculous considering how little I eat! I used to lose 2 pounds a day on 400 calories a day when I was 15.....I guess my metabolism is just so much slower.
I'm so afraid I'm going to get my period back from all this eating lately. Soooooo afraid! If I get it back...I'm going to feel like a failure. Thats one accomplishment I can feel good about.
I just wish I was thin....If I was a waif everyone would love me....everyone would not only love me....they might want to be with me...instead of ignoring me and leaving me. It just doesn't feel like the pain I'm going through is balanced in proportion to the weight loss I'm receiving.
I just want to be at my goal now....or at least 10 pounds slimmer.
Also I'm tired of writing a blog no one reads...
Oh gosh.....I'm just weary today. I'm sad my best friend isn't at work and everyone there is so down and depressed on top of it. I'm sad I'm fat. I'm sad my best friend won't talk to me. I'm sad I'm swamped with school. I'm sad I'm fat. I'm sad my family makes this diet harder. I'm sad noooo one has commented on my weightloss anywhere. I'm sad the boy I like will never like me back. I'm sad.
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