I am 159. This was supposed to be so happy. I am so much thinner than I ever was and I am only pounds away from the thinnest I've ever been...but I've only managed to feel worse. I am so torn inside....It's like I haven't been truly happy in so long I don't even know what that looks like. I can't believe how messed up my life has gotten. I just feel so lonely...so unimportant....so much like I've felt at all my fat weights. It's weird but I still associate getting thinner with getting closer to happiness....and i still believe that happiness will be here when I hit 120, but I do realize that the thinner I've gotten the less happy I have also gotten. I still don't think it has much to do with my weight though. It's like my weightloss has given me something to live for in the midst of all this sadness. It's the one thing I can count on. I know that no matter what I will hit 120 or less with time. I have learned to be patient. This weight isn't coming of overnight. In fact this is the slowest I have ever lost weight, but all this time has taught me to be patient. This time has made this weight loss something permanent. It's so weird to think that a couple months ago I felt panicky all the time because i was so scared that I was going to start gaining this weight back....I was just soooooo afraid of this weight and I wanted nothing more than to be a waif. The thing is...I couldn't have handled being a waif then...I couldn't have handled success. This whole thing is a learning process....Everyday I deserve an anorexic body slightly more....and in time I will be rewarded one. It gives me hope to write about these dreams....to talk about a reality I CAN COUNT ON FOR ONCE. The one thing I can control and be sure of is my own will power. I will say though that eating only toast used to be so easy. actually this is an issue I've been having...I tell myself that I used to eat toast only all the time but i know that wasn't completely true...I used to eat it like 3 days out of the week....which still is ALOT better than now, but I just wish I had kept a more accurate record of my eating habits at that time so I would know for reference just exactly how my eating habits have been throughout this process. It would help me with dieting alottttt more. I need to record it on here, but I find myself not wanting to write on here as if this is some kind of homework I'm avoiding...yet in reality once I start writing I always lovvvve it and I always do better with my diet when I write and spend some time looking at thinspo. The one thing I feel really good about is that in months I haven't eaten over 1200 calories...not even 1000....I would say I average about 700-800 a day. This past week I had one day that stood out to me as exceptionally bad, but even that was under 1000 I'm sure. Sometimes even my failures are encouraging because I still call them failures despite they are successes to most people and therefore I know my mindset is still correct....which is the most important thing IMO. This weekend though I got focused...I had a toast only day for the first time in forever. Today I was slightly less successful but still decent.
toast: 130
salad: 60
grapes: 100
Broccoli w/ olive oil: 200
= about 500 calories
To be honest 500 calories is about what I'm shooting for. The broccoli was me being a fatty because I had said i was done for the day and then I went back and ate that but if eating vegetables is my greatest sin then I'll say I'm doing okay. I hope I'm 158 by tomorrow....I really need that. I took a bunch of laxatives tonight hoping that I could clear myself out for weigh in tomorrow but I don't think they are working...I feel completely normal and I took a double dose hours ago. I just feel like I have alot I could be getting rid of should I truly be cleansed.
ughhh i'm done for today.
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