I don't like being psycho

I feel like all I do when anymore is think about weight. Like I know everyone does alot and even more-so if you have an ED, but I feel like I take it to a new level. There is not one moment within the day that I'm not thinking about calories, my weight, comparing myself to other girls, wondering if people think I'm skinny/fat/ugly. Like even as I was typing this the thought crossed my mind that I might be burning calories by typing. RIDICULOUS! I have been obsessed with weight my entire life but it's never been so constant and such weight(no pun intended) on my mind. I neverrrrrrr pass a girl without looking her up and down and sizing here up in my mind...wondering if she's thinner than me....wondering if she has an ed too.....wondering if she thinks im fat....wondering if guys would pick her or me out of a line up. Wondering if she's jealous of me...if she thinks i'm pretty....if she thinks im skinny....wondering if she thinks i'm skinnier than her. Like I sound like a conceited, self-absorbed bitch and I swear I'm never mean to somoene based on their weight, but it does pop in my head almost like someone with ticks can't help but blurt out certain offensive words....my mind has ticks...I can't help but think of everything in terms of weight and diet.

I'm still 155 today which I expected considering the mini binge I had last night. I'm not going to lie....today has been a toast only day and it has NOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT been easy. I haven't had enough to do to distract me from eating. So all I've doen is think about how much I'd like some brussel sprouts and collard greens.

Here's something i've been doing alot....I keep buying groceries...groceries that I may never end up even eating, but i'm so obsessed with food that I just buy tons....even more than I would possible eat ever. today I bought four big bags of vegetable....why did I do that??? I knew it was a toast only day and i had no intention of eating them, but I just want to purchase food so bad! It's almost like buying food kind of makes me feel better ....like it's my new way to interact with food since I'm no longer eating it. I have a pound of spinach, peanut butter, jelly, dressing, pepper, 5 bags of vegetables, grapes, and pears all in the fridge which I have BARELY touched if at all....I think the only thing I've had is some of the spinach and a couple grapes. Like I said....it makes no sense, but it all goes back to the fact that I'm obsessed with food even in it's absence.

I only had toast this morning so I've had about 110 calories. If you include the almond milk I've had in my tea you could say I've had about 150 calories, but i never count the almond milk. I suppose I should start. Drinking the tea today was really important because it's been important to get these laxatives moving through my system since I haven't eaten a lot to get them working. I mean I don't know how other people work with laxatives, but I only have diarrhoea once I eat something with them....and I'll get it every time I eat something until the pills are totally gone and done in my system. SO since I haven't really eaten they haven't really had an opportunity to work their magic and take out everything with them. But the tea drinking has helped and I've been able to move stuff through with every cup today. I know this is disgusting, but weight loss is just pretty disgusting at its core....it's all about shedding the nastiness clinging to our body.

I am 15 pounds from what most people say is an ideal weight for my height....and about 25 pounds from my first big goal. I feel like once I hit 130 I won't feel totally ashamed of my body...I'll just feel fat, but not a hideous monstrous beast like I feel right now.

I can't believe that I was ever fatter than this!!! I know I say it all the time but seriously....how was I comfortable even??? I'm so happy I've come this far...as much as I complain about how miserable I am sometimes I really do have to be happy that I'm back in the game again....I just really believed for a while that nothing was ever going to get me thin again....that I would be stuck at a size 14/16 the rest of my life.

One really good thing happened today that I want to end with. I have a little black jacket that I've always loved because it makes me feel really skinny. It was CRAZY tight underneath the armpits because it was too small, but I always felt so svelte in it. The thing barely buttoned, but when it was buttoned it just made me look locked and loaded haha

Well I decided to try it on because I was sure I would look really good in it now....ummm wrong! It's way too big! haha I don't look svelte any more....I look sloppy. I was sad that it didn't look good because i always really loved that jacket. Actually I've been feeling frustrated alot here lately because I'm swimming in stuff I bought a month ago ...so this is getting kind of expensive, buttttt then I think...who cares....who cares how things fit when I'm skin and bones. When I'm skin and bones I can wear anything I want and look beautiful.

I've never posted pics here because I was so afraid of someone I know finding this page, but I think if I ever get 10 followers I'll celebrate by posting some pics....Hopefully by then I'm really thin too.

Anyways...until next time! = )