Halloween

So after taking 7 laxatives last night I decided it would be best to eat something today that would be high volume, but low calorie. I needed more food to flush my system clean of the laxatives. So anyways I ate 1 1/2 cups of Collard greens...which is 45 calories, but with a little vegan spread I rounded it to 60. I was doing good until I started passing candy out to the neighborhood kids and I was overwhelmed by a serious need for Skittles. So I had one of those fun packs. I ate 60 calories more then.

So my daily total was 120.

I'm really annoyed at myself for these little slip ups because before the binge I had an iron will...like I wouldn't even lick an almond....which I know licking an almond sounds weird but my dad keeps bags of these smokehouse almonds all around the house and they are pretty freaking good.

So I weigh 150 right now....I just can't believe that 1500calorie day set me back nearly a week. I definietly learned my lesson though.

Here's something I can't stand - I found out Portia De Rossi used to eat 300 calories a day during her anorexic days. Okay...300 calories would be a really bad day for me. So how can someone be anorexic and eat more than me...How am I so fat when I almost never eat. It's just not fair. It's just NOT fair.

I just feel trapped because I think I need to eat some more calories because my body gets in starvation mode, but more calories feels like failure and leads to horrible binges. I just have to keep this tight leash or else I run wild. Also because I've starved so long I know if I were to eat normally my body would hold onto each calorie.

Oh well.

In good news...I have a follower! Thank you so much! You kind of made my day! = )