I just need to do this daily though...it's the key to success.
I feel soooooo bad! Being beaten with a baseball bat would feel better. Like I literally am in slow death. My heart is hurting so bad. it has been for about a week or two. I know this is dangerous, but I can't stop. I'm covered in bruises so I ache when I am touched basically. My acid reflux is coming back. Ughhh. And now I keep getting that congestion hearing loss/echo-yness in my left ear like I'm getting a cold or something.
So yea...and my back is aching from standing at work. I'm just so weak. I can't eat more though...because I neeeeeeeeed more weightloss before I can eat some more. I just have to get in the 130's. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! The 130's are ten pounds away!!!!! OMG!!!!!!! I don't know why this hadn't occurred to me! I'm 28/29lbs away from my Christmas goal and I just wonder if I can get it done before then. Oh how I wish.
I am supposed to see my best friend Jordan the first week in January. She's struggled with ED issues and I know she's really concerned about my weight loss, but she lives too far away to know what all is really going on with me. She just knows I barely eat. So any ways we are getting together right after New Years in Boston. I'm really excited, but this is even more motivation to lose weight. I hope by then I can be 115 at least. I am worried about the trip with regards to food. I know it's really far away, but I will be with her and her family constantly for days so I will have to eat in front of them and she already thinks I have an ED so I don't know how I'll be able to not eat without drawing attention to myself.
One thing I've realized this week since the binge is that I am truly wrapped up in this thing...this ED...this anxiety about food...this obsession. I've done this before. I've starved myself manyyy times throughout my life, but this time it's different. I know something is different with the way I'm thinking about food this time. I truly don't want it. Like obviously I want it, but ...ughh I don't know how to explain this. Like for example once summer I lost like 30 pounds and everyday i ate the same two frozen dinners - 1 at 2pm and the other at 7pm. It totalled 400 calories a day. I remember feeling soooo deprived and I was so proud of myself for doing it. I remember licking my plate too.
Well I'm obviously eating wayyy less than that now, but I feel like I eat 10 times that much. I would never lick at my plate for fear of more calories. It's like in general food is a chore...the enemy...the sad point in the day. Don't get me wrong I obviously still have some love since i binged, but even my "binge" was different....and not nearly as big as it might have been years ago. The other thing is I rarely feel pride in my diet...usually I just feel pathetic for being as fat as I am. I just feel really bogged down with this ED I guess.
Oh well.... until next time. =/
wow, sounds like your in the right frame of mind for weight loss.
ReplyDeleteGood luck not that you will need it.
I like the 2 frozen meals a day and losing 30Ibs!!
How long did you do that for??
xx
Hey thanks! = ) I did the dinner thing for like 2 to 3 months maybe. I can't remember that well because it was like 6 years ago, but it was really effective. I think even more so than what I do now because it was a better amount of calories. It's nice because it's so simple..you just have to find a meals that are worth eating for that long haha
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