These 100 calorie days are killing me...probably literally but obviously I meant figuratively.
I had to work today for 9 hours and it's just insane how much my brain doesn't work any more. I literally CANNNNOT ...omg my brain doesn't work so much I can't even think how to phrase this sentence...I just can't get words out any more or work through problems....i just get overwhelmed. I think people at work know I'm starving myself. I haven't eaten in front of anyone there in months and I'm sooooo much thinner than I have ever been around them. I'm so pale too. Like I was looking at myself today and thinking "I wonder if people are scared by my appearance." My eyes are huge and hollow and my facial features are so big that it makes the thin-ness stand out more on my face. Honestly if I continue to look thinner in the face then I do now I am concerned that will look really ugly, but I haveeeee to get my stomach and thighs in shape. I should take a picture so anyone reading this gets a better idea of what I'm talking about, but I just have huge lips and eyes so I kind of look like a bug naturally, but even more when my face gets really skinny. Plus my eyes look really droopy and exhausted....probably because I am so drained. Anyways I just struggled all day at work and I feel like they knew it was because of my diet despite the fact no one mentioned it. People kept asking me if I was okay.
I just felt sooo stressed I almost cried...like I said...I just can't handle anything anymore.
So I got home from work to see that despite 100 calories for the day I had not lost ANYYYYYY weight. That was hard...it's like since 100 calories is the new norm I'm going to have to up the ante in order to lose weight. I just want to take a cleaver to these blobs of fat holding me back from everything I want. Right now my weight loss feels like one of those dreams where you're running from a murderer, but you're doing it all in slow motion and therefore no matter how determined to speed up your pace you just CAN'T get away. I'm running from this weight, but in slowwww motion and I'm just afraid it's going to catch me.
So anyways my sisters went out with my Uncle for the day and did Halloween stuff....stuff I didn't get to do because I was dying at work. bleh Well anyways I started talking to my little sister. I've previously mentioned that she has always been much thinner than me or anyone in my family and has always been favoured because of it by family acquaintances. Well I informed her that I had tried on a pair of her jeans recently and they fit ...she instantly responded "Well thats really depressing" and walked on. Her words came out soo fast that she didn't have time to make a calculated response....she simply spit out exactly what she thought deep down....that she thinks I'm so fat that it's depressing that I would be able to fit into a pair of her jeans.
I pretty much had just enough time to get to my room before I broke down. It just feels like no matter what I do everyone is going to view me as the fat girl and at best as the fat girl that lost weight. I just want to be the skinny girl. The girl that looks anorexic because she is.
The thing is ...my little sister has NEVER been on a diet. She can't possibly know what eating 100 calories is like...She doesn't know what losing 40(rounded) pounds is like. She can't know how hard I've worked or what I've overcome, but she still was able to demean everything I've worked for in an instant. I feel like I'm worse then where I started now. I feel like everyone around me has secretly been pointing and laughing at the fat girl that thinks she can be thin. That comment alone was enough to make me believe that those thoughts might be the truth. Who so I think I am??? How do I think I can be model weight?? I'm just a fat nobody....
One more thing- I want so much to have someone to share all my diet dramas with. When I try to tell my friends about starving or weight loss they all start questioning my healthiness. It's like when I talk about issues with food I think people think I'm just trying to get attention, but that's not it!!!! I don't want people to be worried or upset that i'm starving....i don't WANT people to know I have an ED....I just want to share the only thing that gives me pride!....my weight loss. I just want the people I care about to be excited about the things that give me excitement. It's like I wish there was someone I knew personally who when I said "I didn't eat all day" would give me a high five and a congrats....not a worried look and say that's not healthy. Sometimes when I talk about what size I want to be I think people think I'm trying to be shocking...but I'm not! I'm sharing my thoughts, my goals, my dreams! Also I want to be able to vent my troubles from not eating without someone just telling me to eat something. I know this is alot to expect from someone who hasn't had an ED, but still. I just really need a friend with anorexic tendencies. I'm thinking about making my bulimic friend my confidant...I know he'll get it....I just don't know how much he'll want to hear about it.
Oh well...It's time to forget this day.
Night
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