Toast: 100
(2 cups of tea) ...I tried to cut back since the calories in Almond milk and Splenda probably do add up.
Brussel Sprouts w/ olive oil spread: 150
= 250 calories consumed
Walked 4 miles
= 400 calories burned
Total for day = -150 calories = )
So I would count this day as a success. I also found out I fit into a size 6 skirt!!!!!!! I feel weird. Like I definitely don't think I have the body i thought I would have at a size six, but I guess I never really new what a size six would be like. I just knew I was heading for a size 0. I know what I want my body to look like in the end. I don't know how it will look throughout the journey or what to expect.
It kind of blows my mind that two Mondays ago I was struggling somewhat. Like I wasn't eating more than 1000 calories but ate 1000 calories and really I wanted to eat more. That desire made me nervous sort of because I hadn't had an urge like that in a really long time. The desire made me feel like maybe failure was near AND considering the fact that I will be at my curse weight of 150 soon which I have never been able to get below I was feeling anxious about everything. All it took was that weekend of work to wake me up and realize that I could get back to my toast only days AND that my toast only days would bring me 1 pound a day! It's like for weeekssss and weeks I have been dying trying to get a couple pounds to move a week and now in the span of like a week I've lost like 5 pounds! It's getting more noticeable too. Like my face is definitely thinner. While I am thin I am certainly not what I used to believe I looked like at this weight. When I was 150 before I remember thinking I was just soooo skinny and pretty, but now 150 feels like a starting point to the body I CAN have if I keep working. All I notice is my flabby parts most of the time. Also I totally know where the next 30 pounds is going to come from...my stomach and my thighs. Geeeeez! My thighs are horrible. I probably have 20 pounds on my thighs and 10 on my stomach. I will say though that I'm starting to be able to visualize myself realllllly thin and I love it! It's almost like a high for me! I just love the idea of being soooo tiny.
People are starting to pester me about my weightloss every time I turn around. Everyone thinks I'm developing an ED. Which ummm yea I already have one, but I don't know how to deal with this. It's never been obvious like it is now. I'm so used to being able to brag and feel proud about eating 100 calories in a day to my Mom, sisters, ect. ....and usually no one cares what you're eating when you're really overweight, but now that I'm dropping down everyone is getting concerned. So basically I have to stop talking about the diet. I don't know how to do that. The diet= my life. So I guess I'm just going to have to stop talking all together because the diet is all I have TO talk about. I think about everything in terms of this diet and starvation. I freaking avoided hanging out with friends last night so I wouldn't have to be offered food I would then have to rudely turn down. I have a long lost friend I'd like to meet up with but I'm avoiding it out of fear of having to reject food in front of them and then get them worrying too. My Mom has already asked me to stop losing weight because she says I look fine at this weight. It's going to be really frustrating to get to a size 0 with everyone resisting against me the whole rest of the way.
I don't know how I'm going to deal with not being able to tell everyone that I've lost another pound, ect....
btw...about bulimia. I think this has also been a motivating factor to not eat because I don't want to have to pick up that habit like I promised I would. Well I think that deals off. I will always use laxatives(which I'm aware that they don't actually prohibit calorie absorption) because I've done that for ages and it's what i'm used to, but I can't figure out purging....I'm too scared and i love my teeth too much. Really and truly I do love my teeth. Plus starvation feels safe....purging just says death to me. Plus that seems like a slippery slope...I don't like the idea of eating a ton and stretching my stomach because what if one time I couldn't get it back up??? I would die!! I would seriously feel suicidal!!! panicked and soooooo upset! Starvation is control....control makes me comfortable and happy.
So yea...for now at least I'm safe in my little world of starvation... = )
Until next time...
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