There are sooooo many pre-conceived notions about people with eating disorders! Like you don't have one unless you've been hospitalized for being soooooo underweight. Most people with ED's I know don't even show being too thin, but they have the most out of whack relationship with food....and thats what it comes down to with having an ED.
I've been screwed up with food my ENTIRE life....I can't remember a time in my life where I simply thought...I'm pretty and perfect just the way I am. From the moment I knew of the word fat I believed I was because my size 4 mom would walk around our house constantly talking about how fat she was. I believe she also commented on my weight or what I ate as a kid several times....and while I was never even overweight until around 5 grade...I had been thinking I was since I was maybe 5??? I think that my belief that I was fat made me obsessed with food early on and I grew into my weight battle rather than having a weight issue and having to then think about it. I was skinny as a kid....tall and lanky actually, but I confused being larger(taller, ect) than my little sister as being fatter. Also my whole family used to constantly talk about how tiny and skinny my little sister was.... I believe the fact that no one ever used those terms to describe me(despite the fact that I was) stayed like a thorn in my subconscious.
I know my Mom never meant for anything like this, but she did let this happen. I must take responsibility now for my actions that have led me to this extreme fatness in my adult life but my mom simply did not emphasize a healthy body image or relationship with food.
My Dad was worse. He would allows tell me I'd look better with a few pounds off or ask me what I weighed which would humiliate me to no end. He also always seemed prouder of me when I had lost alot of weight as opposed to when I was heavier. He would comment that I had been more attractive when I "worked out more." I never got compliments when i was extremely overweight last winter and I think that actually just made things worse. I mean even when I'm overeating it's just my ED...it's just in a different form. I have so much therapy to deal with once I'm on a salary. Issues with self hate, insecurity, male hatred, and food. I don't know how I'm ever going to stop thinking about food in these extremes. Right now I don't know how I'll ever NOT diet. Like today I hit 155! YAYYYYY! I was so excited and I had told myself that when I hit 155 I could eat slightly normal...meaning around 500-600 calories for ONE day. Well today I ate -
toast 2x's - 200cal
vegan hotdogs - 250cal
grapes - 100cal
Collard greens - 30cal
almonds - 70cal
= 650!!!!!! = (
and as you can see alot of that was bad combinations....like toast has carbs but was low fat...and then I paired it with fatty almonds....the carbs in the bread with the sugar in the grapes......just dumb dumb dumb....I never eat like this usually. So in a panic I took 10 laxatives. = /
I may have overdone it with the laxatives, but this stuff needs to go ASAPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!
I know calories may stick but I just want to crap out everything....I don't need this junk sitting my stomach. I know I said I was going to purge the next time I ate normal, but I was so scared and I allowed myself not to because of all the hard work I did getting to 155 in three days.
I hope by Wednesday I can be 154. I just really need to lose 5 pounds in the next six days. That kind of loss means toast only days for the rest of the week. I CAN DO IT!!!!!! I just really need to see the 140's plus I told my mom I would be 150 by the time she got home from her trip and she comes home next Monday.
I have never in my adult life seen 140-anything on a scale...even when I've hit 150 I never managed to see 149....and twice in my adult life i can remembering losing down to 150. I'm now 155 and in 5lbs I'm going to be at the point that has always broken me in the past. Of course in the past i was never as determined as I am now, but regardless I'm still nervous and I think I will be until I see that 149 and beyond. I definitely know I'm on a strong run right now....I feel really strong in the diet despite the fact I ate a lot today. I'm really managing to drink my tea and stay away from food. Sleep has been a really good AND NEEDED distraction. Which speaking of it....I'm headed there.
Until next time... = )
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