= (

Well today was a bust. I don't know why I feel like a failure even when I don't eat bad. Today I had planned on eating 150 calories....I ate 150 calories, but in my mind I was lusting after everything in sight and so for some reason I feel like I failed this day. It doesn't help that when I weighed in just now the scale said 152. I know that has to simply be water because I just drank 20+ ounces a little while ago, but still I just can't handle if the scale says anything other than what i weighed in at that morning or less.

My official weigh in this morning left me at 150. I MADE MY GOAL!!! somehow despite that I feel deep down like I'm lying. Like I didn't actually hit 150 and that I'm making this up. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I torture myself so, but I've decided I've got to start eating a little more because I think my body is totally holding onto every morsel I eat ANDDDD I am insanely cranky, emotional, and braindead all the time. The lesson learned though is that 100 calories is a breeze one week at a time, but any longer and the weight doesn't move as quickly and I start to die basically.

So the plan for tomorrow is to eat around 400 calories. This sounds so shameful and deep down I feel like I'm commiting murder or something, but I know in the end this is better for the diet. I know it. Also i had been planning on trying to lose 5 pounds a week, but I see now that I just won't be able to swing that. The weight is just not wanting to budge like it had been. So I'm going to aim for 3 pounds a week and I think that some weeks I'll do better than that by eating 100 calories...so in the end i'll still hit 120 by Christmas I think. As long as I hit that i don't really care how I do it.

ahhhhh and from 120 I will just be perfecting. = ) Perfecting down to 105-110ish.

Btw...I figured out what is causing me so much pain. Acid Reflux. This is another reason I need to eat for a bit.

I sound like a failure....I'm going to lose this weight though! I promise. = /