Everything that makes me angry just started pushing me harder tonight. I thought about the kids who said I didn't dress "cool" in elementary school, the boys who called me ugly....(and there have been so many), boys who bullied me in highschool, people who tore down my confidence and left me running to food for comfort, boys who said my boobs were too small, the time my mom said my talent was eating, the times girls said things about my weight, the times I was rejected by my crushes for being fat, all the boys who ignored me because I was the ugly girl amongst my friends, the girls who were nice to me simply because I wasn't a threat as far as looks, the comments my dad has made about my weight, when my friend told me my jeans were so tight it was embarrassing, feeling embarrassed to order fattening food out and then being embarrassed to order the low fat item so people don't think I'm on a diet and then think about my weight even more, getting weighed at the doctors office and having the nurse keep pushing the number higher, having people give me unwanted dieting tips as if I've never dieted or don't know how, having to tell people what size I am, being ashamed of my number, lying on my driver's license, being embarrassed to go to the gym, only being able to work out in the dark, being afraid to change in front of anyone, having people tell me my knee would hurt less if I lost weight.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! I'm just so sick of it all....I don't want anyone to ever be able to comment on what I'm eating or doing. And seriously you would think that I was 300lbs! but no....just 174 at 5'8. Yes, that is a hideous and horrible number, but not worth having people butt in and make needless comments when I live in a state with an obesity problem....My weight is hardly the issue and I have more self control in my pinky then most people have in their whole body.
I know this is a ridiculous rant, but I just got so worked up on my run that I knew I needed to come back and spill it here.
I find SOOOOOOO much help and encouragement from the rest of the ED community. If I am following you right now....just know you have already given me immense inspiration and I am insanely grateful for it.
By the end of this weekend I just want to be in the 160's so bad.....I'm just worried about weigh in tomorrow. See I basically fasted for two days this week and on those days I lost veryyyyy little as opposed to my regular daily 1-2lb loss, but also I worked out alot on those days and I find that the more I work out the less I see immediate scale results. So I'm not sure which it was from, but two days ago I ate slightly more and I weighed in with a 2 pound loss again. So today I ate about the same, but slipped up by having some broccoli. My total calorie intake was 600 and I burned around 200-300 calories in tonights workout. So we'll see what the results say tomorrow. Hopefully I hit 172....I can only hope and pray. I just won't stop feeling desperate till I'm in the 150's. Then I can take off the last 20-30 pounds as they come, but until then I am so frantic to get this weight off I'm ready to go at it with a cleaver.
One more thing I'd like to touch on and then I'll stop ranting for the night. While I was in England ...in February specifically, I went out with a girl I had become acquainted with for a few drinks. She had this little gay friend with her. He was very thin and about 5'11 I'd say....well the whole night he seemed to ignore me...probably because that what everyone does to the fat girl...well anyways on the way home he started insisting on picking up the girl I was with and her other friend. Both were about 100-115 pounds and short......he just kept going on about how little they were while I stood there....the tall fat girl. That really hit me hard...and to be thinking about such a silly thing this many months later you know it had to. Every girl wants to feel small, delicate, graceful, and light as a feather. I want the next guy I date to be able to pick me up without having to try. Plus....the guy I like seems to love these short little play thing type girls. I've always hated that type of girl.....but it's time I stop hating out of a sick jealousy and make myself so perfect that instead they need be jealous of my mile-long, spidery legs. = )
I also want to be rid of this pudge belly I've ALWAYS had....I take that back....once three years ago I got rid of it and then I quickly regained it.
Ughhh I've just got to quit fussing on here tonight. This is just truly like my diary and it's easier to say it all right now rather then bottle it all up and be in a bad mood everywhere else.
Goodbye and thank you = )
No comments:
Post a Comment