They'll like me if I'm thinner...

I don't know why, but I've been plagued by this thought my entire life. My whole life I've found myself blaming my weight for all my problems. In middle school I was convinced that my crush would love me if I came into youth group meetings as a totally beautiful skinny girl. In high school I was convinced that all these girls would be my friend and guys would adore me if I was skinny. I never thought about my personality or my intelligence. I guess I assumed I was acceptable in most ways...except for the weight. I even thought my Dad would finally be proud of me if I was skinny and pretty. I believed the same for my mom....although I always felt she approved of me pretty much regardless. I think I spent my whole life believing that once I hit this certain weight then suddenly magic would happen and everyone would love me. Everyone would want to be my friend. Everyone would love to talk to me, to listen to me, and I would have to beat away the guys on a daily basis. When you spend your whole life convinced that your weight is the root of ALL your problems and that if you lose enough everything will be perfect....it's really hard to accept the fact that life doesn't work that way. I think I'm a really sad, lonely person who feels totally rejected by just about everyone, but I'm "skinny" now.... People constantly say I'm gorgeous. I get compliments from guys daily and sometimes even when I'm with my mother. A few weeks ago a co worker said I had the most perfect face. I reached my huge goal of becoming 130lbs and all people do is comment on how thin I am and how I shouldn't lose anymore.....but yet I still believe they'll all magically like me if I get to 120. Right now I feel like no one likes me at my work....they all talk about me behind my back. My boss is flat out hateful to me. I'm single. I haven't had even a date in almost a year. My friends have basically all drifted away from me expect for 2.....and I rarely get to see them. I still live at home. My parents still shelter me and I still have a million rules even though I'm 23. I just feel so pathetic. If just one thing was going right in my life I think I could manage, but everything seems so bleak and unbearable. Diet seems to be the only thing that comforts me. It's "safe" and "familiar" territory. I guess in another way I also feel like as long as everyone hates me they might as well hate me for being ridiculously thin and beautiful too. = ) later.....