Thoughts that lurk....

So I'm back.... I'm not sure what to say... My last post was all about how I was recovered so I'm a bit embarrassed to be posting right now, but I guess the ED thoughts never fully go away and I recently surrendered to them again. I'm 129lbs right now. It's kind of funny but when I initially set out to lose all this weight so many years ago, my goal was 130. Even when I hit 130 it wasn't really that big of a deal. It's like while I never want to be gaining weight....the low numbers seem to mean less and less all the time. I always feel fat. I will always feel fat. I will always feel inferior. I will always feel I'm not good enough. So I've realized that the low number isn't going to magically change that. I've always said that if I just hit X number of pounds then everything would be good, but then I get to that goal and I'm still unhappy. All that being said ...I still believe life will be a little better if I get to 120. At least when I get there I'll be underweight....finally. Can you believe I use to be literally obese on the BMI scale and now I'm closing in on underweight?? It is kind of amazing. There are so many things that people say stimulate eating disorders and I find so many of these things are present in my life. Here's a little background on what my life has been like since I last wrote. Summer 2011 I got really into working out and really tried to invest all my efforts into being super fit and healthy rather than starving. The truth is that working out relieved a little bit of the eating anxiety that I had, but in some ways I just started manifesting my ED issues in the workout stuff. I was obsessive. I worked out almost 2hrs everyday. I still weighed myself alot just not AS obsessively. I got down to 135lbs eating a balanced diet and working out, but when school started I had less time for the 2hr workouts and my diet wasn't as strict. I got to about 147 and felt pretty down about it, but nothing like I would have a year earlier. I ran my first half marathon around that time and the next day I met the boy of my dreams. I started starving and quickly got down to 135 in a matter of 2 weeks. I didn't realize it at the time, but he was my first love. He was a model and sooooo beautiful. I felt like maybe he was my reward for all the hard work I'd put in the past 2 years. After dating a couple months he ended up cheating on me....and dumping me for a girl who was actually heavier than me, with a short butch hair cut, and rocker tattoos all over. lol It's funny now, but trust me....at the time it was devastating. It's weird because she was almost everything I was avoiding my whole life because I thought being the pretty, preppy, skinny blonde was what was going to land me my dream guy. Turns out it's what made me lose him. I honestly think he had self esteem issues and I think I unintentionally made him feel bad about himself. Well enough about that. In all that mess I also ended up graduating from college. = ) I struggled looking for work and maintained around 140 this entire time. 140 is a weight my body naturally seems to gravitate towards. If I eat the way I'm naturally inclined to given my current habits then I think I would stay 140 for life. But I have never liked that number. Despite wanting to lose more it seemed like i could never get below 134. 134 was like the equivelent of some video game level that you can never pass. lol Sorry for the nerdy analogy, but thats what it always makes me think of. Several weeks ago i felt my eating was out of control....I felt so fat and I decided to muster up some courage to weigh myself and take back control of the situation. When I weighed myself I was thinking worst case scenario I'm 146. I weighed 138. For some reasons my major diet always start with some unitentional weight loss. It's like seeing that I'm at a "happy" number without even trying makes me get competitive and say...."Wonder what I can do if I try??" Before I knew it I was on a crazy strict ED type diet. I was depressed, moody, exhausted, weak.....and I loved it. That's the thing about the ED....it's like there is some sort of sick joy in all that pain. I associate all that with being thin and pretty...so in some weird way I enjoy it. I hit 128 the day of this big family get together.....I was really weak ...emotionally and physically. I felt certain I was going to lose control that day and I did. My "binge" was actually not bad whatsoever, but I weighed in the next day at 133. Being experienced with all this I wasn't shocked.....I have waivered a bit getting back on track with the diet, but it's been about 2 weeks since then and I've been maintaining 130. = )This morning I weighed in at 129. I can put that down to 2 things. 1. I ate around 600ish calories yesterday and 2. I ran 2 miles and burnt 120 calories on the elliptical. I ate pretty much exactly what I wanted yesterday. The trick is that I've trained my wants. I crave healthier foods naturally now. I did allow myself one cookie and that's the other thing... if I have a little bit of the unhealthy stuff here and there I don't go into a psychotic binge. This is a diet I can maintain and I'm dead set on hitting 120 and beyond. I think 115 sounds like a good number. I know a major part of this whole diet thing has been brought on by my work life. I'm miserable in my current job. I hate it. I hate my co workers.... But I have no ability to leave. Currently there are just no better options. I think this work situation has left me feeling out of control and therefore I'm just grasping for anything I can control.....this is what I do best. Dieting is what I do best. .....Until next time.