Validated

Last night I think I had a breakthrough. It's been over a year now and I'm still facebook stalking my ex and still stuck in this rut of comparing everybody to him and feeling like I'll never really move on. I've given myself alot of slack because granted he was my first love and I did idolize him on another level, but still why can't I move past a guy I wasn't even with for that long. I've always gotten over guys quickly...but I'm just so stuck on him. I got myself sort of excited this week because his wife left him at exactly the same time this year that he left me last year....so he's put all this depressing stuff on facebook and seems realllly low. But even still I wondered why I even cared. It's so over.....It's soooo over. So why do I keep rehashing every little thing instead of moving on and finding someone else. Well last night I went to the club with my friends and on the way home I started talking all about how I didn't know why I was still so depressed about this and she was agreeing....and all the sudden I said some really honest things I guess I'd been suppressing....maybe I did know but I was just in denial. Regardless, it was amazing and now I'm just wondering what to do with this new revealed truth. I was telling her how I could have gotten a new bf by now, but I am my own enemy. Because any time a guys shows interest...even if I first kind of like him....I automatically feel disgusted by him simply because I now realize he likes me. It's like I think that anyone who would possibly be interested in me is a freak, weird, social reject. The reason I feel that way is because deep down I hate myself. I still believe all those things about me that people used to say growing up....like I'm ugly, fat. stupid, loser. I think because of all this I feel like I have something to prove to all of them. Like I want to be with the most muscled out, tall, handsome guy simply so they can see it and then it's like they won't be able to think those things about me any more. With Brandon...I crushed on him for ages. I thought he was perfect....so in my mind he was already on a trophy level. When he expressed interest in me and seemed to love me....it's like everything those people thought about me went away and I was able to love myself.....because after all - heres this perfect 6'4 muscley jock telling me that I'm beautiful...so therefore I'm worthy of love and acceptance. I took Brandon's opinions about me as the pinnacle of truth. When he rejected me I think it came down on me a million times worse simply because I had put so much stock into what he thought. So now that I realize the real problem here....what do I do?? I know now that I have to start loving myself and feel worthy regardless of society, but I don't know how to actually do that. When you've spent your entire life hating who you are and having others basically reinforcing that idea....how do you change the cycle?? This is something I'm going to have to work on. But I think the first step is forcing myself to accept love. Whether it be a simple flirtatious gesture or whatever....accept that someone likes me and don't immediately back away from that. In other news....my anti depressant situation is all out of whack. I don't know if I've mentioned it at all here before so I'll spare going into it, but basically insurance companies suck and I hate being crazy. Lastly I'm 127. ttyl