Let's begin again

This was written 3/1. I can’t believe I never updated this thing in all of 2015. So much happened, but I guess it wasn’t anything I felt like saying. In Summer 2014, things were great. It’s funny how your perception of a time can change because from the blogs I wrote during that time, it doesn’t seem like I was all that happy. But I was skinny. I was in the best shape of my life. I was super fit and getting toned. I think my weight got to 125lbs. AH-MAZING. I was soooo strict though. I would allow myself very heavily creamed coffee and occasionally some less healthy foods, but overall my diet was very regimented and I tended to eat only good foods. As fall came, I had relaxed my diet and exercise. I had gained probably 5-7lbs. I was less strict, but still ate relatively well(boiled eggs, fruit, coffee, fairly frequent exercise). I wasn’t thrilled with my weight, but I also wasn’t worried about it. I was still thin and I was ok with my body. Something terrible began to happen though. I began to notice that gluten was bothering me(stomach issues,headaches) and my hair began falling out pretty bad. By late fall, my hair was incredibly thin and I was getting heavier(maybe 137lbs). I continued to feel frustrated and concerned, but I kept trying to ignore things because work was consuming far too much time to be stressed about anything else. By winter I had very little hair left. The baldness was getting extremely noticeable and it was hard to cover with extensions at this point. I began to see a specialist by November/December. At this point I was 140lbs….and I knew I was going to have to purchase a wig soon. This all gave me so much anxiety that I began to eat more. I knew this was all related to my thyroid, and my levels were all messed up. But doctors could not give me an answer as to how to fix things. During this time, the specialist I was seeing was crap. He refused to acknowledge the hair loss as a problem and admonished me that I shouldn’t gain any more weight beyond 140lbs. Rule #1 …..Don’t say things like that to anyone, particularly females, and particularly someone with ED issues. Nothing was getting better. In January I finally purchased a wig and putting it on my head the first day was the first time I really had to acknowledge what had happened. I was fat, I had lost almost all my hair, and I was wearing a wig. I had a full scale breakdown that day. From there I resolved that I would not wear an ugly synthetic wig. If this was my reality then I was going to at least have awesome hair. So I learned to make wigs. Within about a month I had made my first human hair wig. It was really beautiful and it really did temporarily make me feel better. Unfortunately, not being able to go to the gym(I couldn’t wear it there) was still an issue that was not helping my waistline. I continued to gain weight not only because I couldn’t work out, but because my thyroid was incredibly low, and I was depressed about it all – therefore I turned to food. Let’s fast forward to now. I’ve moved. My hair has been coming back in phases. I never got any real answers as to what happened with my thyroid, but it continues to cause problems. And most importantly, I’m 155lbs. Yes, that is correct …..1-5-5lbs….. How I let myself continue to gain until I got here I don’t know. TBH, this isn’t even the worst. I’ve lost 5lbs. The day I saw 160lbs was really a trigger I’d been waiting for. Something to horrify me into getting back on track. Last week, I had gone out for drinks with friends and I was starving on my way home. So I ordered a pizza. When I got home I ate every slice but one. The only reason I didn’t eat the last slice is because I forced myself to throw it in the garbage before I changed my mind. I think it was a full blown binge. That night I determined that I would not eat the entire next day because I had to take drastic measures. That leads me to now….5lbs down. I am actually feeling pretty good about my motivation levels. There is just something that switches in your brain when you have ED issues. You almost come to feel it and you can definitely tell when things have switched. I no longer care about my hunger. It’s not about that. It’s about how awesome I feel when I know I’m not eating and no one can stop me. I feel strong. I feel powerful. I feel like – “I’ll show you.” The food can’t matter when you feel like that. I miss when I used to really starve….I mean really starve(100calories a day). I lived for fitting rooms and mirrors and compliments and new outfits and dropping pounds on the scale. Everything else was petty and irrelevant. My skin was flawless, my body was awesome, my periods became non-existent. I felt like I was always nearing perfection. I felt good about life. I felt like everything was going to be ok. The strange thing is – when you haven’t flipped this switch in your mind - you really do think food will comfort you…. Food will help fill some void, but it doesn’t. Food lies. Food promises all those things, but it never delivers them. I’ve set a goal to be 140lbs in 3 weeks when my friend comes to visit. I don’t want him to see me this weight and I don’t want to look this way period anymore. March 18th – 140lbs. I’m not sure what phase 2 will look like but I’d really like to see 120 finally. I’d love to finally hit “underweight”….. then I would for sure know I was perfect. Then no one could ever question it. It would be fact. One things for sure – summer is coming. With summer brings shorts and tank tops and hot days….. all things that do not mix with being fat. I have got to lose this weight and I have got to lose it fast. Here’s the full plan: 3/5 – 150lbs 3/11 – 145lbs 3/18 – 140lbs 4/2 – 135lbs 4/15 – 130lbs I’m building in probably more time than necessary just for an complications or issues that might arise. Reason being is that I’m having company 3/18-3/27 and I’m worried that this might cause issues. Also, because I have vacation the week after that. Hopefully I’ll be at a point where I’m even more motivated to push harder over that week and realllllly starve, but you never know what may happen and I don’t want to discourage myself if my goals are too aggressive. Until next time.