Memories

Written on 3/1 Can you believe that once upon a time I was nearly underweight. I was just looking to see whether 120 or 121 was the starting point for underweight and it’s 121. I was 125 at one point. Only four pounds from success and I didn’t even really feel like it then. I was nowhere near a size 0. I was wearing size 4’s at the time. That’s kind of depressing when I think about it. Like how thin would I have to be to fit in something that small. I’m starting to feel like it’s not even humanly possible for me to be a size zero. I’m probably genetically predisposed to be humongous. I’m almost 5 days into this diet and I’m finally starting to feel the fatigue. It felt harder to walk my commute today and I was generally more irritable. It’s weird because I don’t even feel really skinny right now. Not even “diet skinny”(when you start feeling lighter and your stomach shrinks in making you feel thinner than you are). I just feel fat and miserable because I’m fat and hungry. It’s not even that I want to eat….It’s that I just feel annoyed with being this big and knowing it’s do or die time. Like there come a point in your weight loss where while you might not enjoy starving all the time, but you start to feel good about the flatness that’s starting to take over your stomach and you feel encouraged by regular results on the scale. I don’t feel that way yet. I just feel big, ugly, and uncomfortable. There’s a weird feeling of my chubby arms touching my sides that really bothers me. It feels like I’m humongous. I hate how my chest now moves when I walk. My chest used to be non-existent and now I feel it flopping around when I walk. So annoying and not cute. I own a pair of veryyy tiny Hollister shorts that I used to wear two summers ago. I’m determined to fit in those soon. I used to wear those everyday with a little tank top and not give it a second thought. I was tiny! I feel encouraged just thinking of those times. It’s hard because no one here knows what I used to be like. No one knows that I used to be super skinny and pretty. They just know me as my hefty size now, but I can’t wait to show them. I can’t wait to show them the skinny, pretty version of me they never got to see.