Let's begin again

This was written 3/1. I can’t believe I never updated this thing in all of 2015. So much happened, but I guess it wasn’t anything I felt like saying. In Summer 2014, things were great. It’s funny how your perception of a time can change because from the blogs I wrote during that time, it doesn’t seem like I was all that happy. But I was skinny. I was in the best shape of my life. I was super fit and getting toned. I think my weight got to 125lbs. AH-MAZING. I was soooo strict though. I would allow myself very heavily creamed coffee and occasionally some less healthy foods, but overall my diet was very regimented and I tended to eat only good foods. As fall came, I had relaxed my diet and exercise. I had gained probably 5-7lbs. I was less strict, but still ate relatively well(boiled eggs, fruit, coffee, fairly frequent exercise). I wasn’t thrilled with my weight, but I also wasn’t worried about it. I was still thin and I was ok with my body. Something terrible began to happen though. I began to notice that gluten was bothering me(stomach issues,headaches) and my hair began falling out pretty bad. By late fall, my hair was incredibly thin and I was getting heavier(maybe 137lbs). I continued to feel frustrated and concerned, but I kept trying to ignore things because work was consuming far too much time to be stressed about anything else. By winter I had very little hair left. The baldness was getting extremely noticeable and it was hard to cover with extensions at this point. I began to see a specialist by November/December. At this point I was 140lbs….and I knew I was going to have to purchase a wig soon. This all gave me so much anxiety that I began to eat more. I knew this was all related to my thyroid, and my levels were all messed up. But doctors could not give me an answer as to how to fix things. During this time, the specialist I was seeing was crap. He refused to acknowledge the hair loss as a problem and admonished me that I shouldn’t gain any more weight beyond 140lbs. Rule #1 …..Don’t say things like that to anyone, particularly females, and particularly someone with ED issues. Nothing was getting better. In January I finally purchased a wig and putting it on my head the first day was the first time I really had to acknowledge what had happened. I was fat, I had lost almost all my hair, and I was wearing a wig. I had a full scale breakdown that day. From there I resolved that I would not wear an ugly synthetic wig. If this was my reality then I was going to at least have awesome hair. So I learned to make wigs. Within about a month I had made my first human hair wig. It was really beautiful and it really did temporarily make me feel better. Unfortunately, not being able to go to the gym(I couldn’t wear it there) was still an issue that was not helping my waistline. I continued to gain weight not only because I couldn’t work out, but because my thyroid was incredibly low, and I was depressed about it all – therefore I turned to food. Let’s fast forward to now. I’ve moved. My hair has been coming back in phases. I never got any real answers as to what happened with my thyroid, but it continues to cause problems. And most importantly, I’m 155lbs. Yes, that is correct …..1-5-5lbs….. How I let myself continue to gain until I got here I don’t know. TBH, this isn’t even the worst. I’ve lost 5lbs. The day I saw 160lbs was really a trigger I’d been waiting for. Something to horrify me into getting back on track. Last week, I had gone out for drinks with friends and I was starving on my way home. So I ordered a pizza. When I got home I ate every slice but one. The only reason I didn’t eat the last slice is because I forced myself to throw it in the garbage before I changed my mind. I think it was a full blown binge. That night I determined that I would not eat the entire next day because I had to take drastic measures. That leads me to now….5lbs down. I am actually feeling pretty good about my motivation levels. There is just something that switches in your brain when you have ED issues. You almost come to feel it and you can definitely tell when things have switched. I no longer care about my hunger. It’s not about that. It’s about how awesome I feel when I know I’m not eating and no one can stop me. I feel strong. I feel powerful. I feel like – “I’ll show you.” The food can’t matter when you feel like that. I miss when I used to really starve….I mean really starve(100calories a day). I lived for fitting rooms and mirrors and compliments and new outfits and dropping pounds on the scale. Everything else was petty and irrelevant. My skin was flawless, my body was awesome, my periods became non-existent. I felt like I was always nearing perfection. I felt good about life. I felt like everything was going to be ok. The strange thing is – when you haven’t flipped this switch in your mind - you really do think food will comfort you…. Food will help fill some void, but it doesn’t. Food lies. Food promises all those things, but it never delivers them. I’ve set a goal to be 140lbs in 3 weeks when my friend comes to visit. I don’t want him to see me this weight and I don’t want to look this way period anymore. March 18th – 140lbs. I’m not sure what phase 2 will look like but I’d really like to see 120 finally. I’d love to finally hit “underweight”….. then I would for sure know I was perfect. Then no one could ever question it. It would be fact. One things for sure – summer is coming. With summer brings shorts and tank tops and hot days….. all things that do not mix with being fat. I have got to lose this weight and I have got to lose it fast. Here’s the full plan: 3/5 – 150lbs 3/11 – 145lbs 3/18 – 140lbs 4/2 – 135lbs 4/15 – 130lbs I’m building in probably more time than necessary just for an complications or issues that might arise. Reason being is that I’m having company 3/18-3/27 and I’m worried that this might cause issues. Also, because I have vacation the week after that. Hopefully I’ll be at a point where I’m even more motivated to push harder over that week and realllllly starve, but you never know what may happen and I don’t want to discourage myself if my goals are too aggressive. Until next time.

Down, Down, Down...

I'm so depressed. I don't know whats overwhelming me so much, but I just feel like nobody likes me and everyone is against me. I can't seem to lose any weight... I'm starting to feel like giving up. Tonight I jokingly poked my sister's butt and I brought up this time that she and my other sister had done that to me and they found it funny how jiggly mine was. Well she felt it and her and my Mom both laughed hysterically at basically was a fat ass I have. I just want to disappear. I'm miserable. Miserable with my body.... miserable with my loneliness... miserable with my job... miserable with my pay. I just feel like there is nothing out there for me anymore. I'm single. I have been for years. I feel like my friends don't even like me that much... what few friends I do have. I feel like I give 150% at work and I get nothing but admonishment about how I could have done better. I'm just so tired of dealing with everything and everyone. I'm so tired of trying to be perfect and constantly not reaching perfection. I'm so tired.

I'm old.

It's so weird going back and reading old posts. Its just crazy to see how much I've done and what I've been through. I'm 25 now and I've been in the midst of mid 20's crisis. Just your typical post grad ....what am I doing with my life stuff. I feel so old and stuck. Like this is my life now and I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that all that "You can be whatever you want to be" phase of my life is over. I think a lot of the reason I go back to ED issues is because of that loss of control in my life. I feel out of control and bad about my life and therefore I start working on the things I can control - my weight. I'm 130. I'm not thrilled about it, but it's comfortable for now. It's a happier place than the 142 I was sporting about 6 weeks ago. I've been working out a ton....focusing on my fitness, strength training, and all of this while starving. It's definitely taking it's toll and I actually think starving has held back my weight loss actually, but not eating just makes me feel too good mentally. I feel accomplished when I don't eat. I feel good about myself. Here lately I've been eating probably around 500 calories a day and lots of coffee. Obviously something has worked or I wouldn't be so thin, but I'm obviously still not doing enough. I want to be 120. I think I can finally do this. We shall see.

Validated

Last night I think I had a breakthrough. It's been over a year now and I'm still facebook stalking my ex and still stuck in this rut of comparing everybody to him and feeling like I'll never really move on. I've given myself alot of slack because granted he was my first love and I did idolize him on another level, but still why can't I move past a guy I wasn't even with for that long. I've always gotten over guys quickly...but I'm just so stuck on him. I got myself sort of excited this week because his wife left him at exactly the same time this year that he left me last year....so he's put all this depressing stuff on facebook and seems realllly low. But even still I wondered why I even cared. It's so over.....It's soooo over. So why do I keep rehashing every little thing instead of moving on and finding someone else. Well last night I went to the club with my friends and on the way home I started talking all about how I didn't know why I was still so depressed about this and she was agreeing....and all the sudden I said some really honest things I guess I'd been suppressing....maybe I did know but I was just in denial. Regardless, it was amazing and now I'm just wondering what to do with this new revealed truth. I was telling her how I could have gotten a new bf by now, but I am my own enemy. Because any time a guys shows interest...even if I first kind of like him....I automatically feel disgusted by him simply because I now realize he likes me. It's like I think that anyone who would possibly be interested in me is a freak, weird, social reject. The reason I feel that way is because deep down I hate myself. I still believe all those things about me that people used to say growing up....like I'm ugly, fat. stupid, loser. I think because of all this I feel like I have something to prove to all of them. Like I want to be with the most muscled out, tall, handsome guy simply so they can see it and then it's like they won't be able to think those things about me any more. With Brandon...I crushed on him for ages. I thought he was perfect....so in my mind he was already on a trophy level. When he expressed interest in me and seemed to love me....it's like everything those people thought about me went away and I was able to love myself.....because after all - heres this perfect 6'4 muscley jock telling me that I'm beautiful...so therefore I'm worthy of love and acceptance. I took Brandon's opinions about me as the pinnacle of truth. When he rejected me I think it came down on me a million times worse simply because I had put so much stock into what he thought. So now that I realize the real problem here....what do I do?? I know now that I have to start loving myself and feel worthy regardless of society, but I don't know how to actually do that. When you've spent your entire life hating who you are and having others basically reinforcing that idea....how do you change the cycle?? This is something I'm going to have to work on. But I think the first step is forcing myself to accept love. Whether it be a simple flirtatious gesture or whatever....accept that someone likes me and don't immediately back away from that. In other news....my anti depressant situation is all out of whack. I don't know if I've mentioned it at all here before so I'll spare going into it, but basically insurance companies suck and I hate being crazy. Lastly I'm 127. ttyl

Fragile

That is the word I would use to describe my current mental/life state. For most of my life people have always commented on how strong and independent I seem, but I know that it's a cover for someone that feels hurt and rejected. I try to talk and act extra brave and extra confident in order to compensate. It's only been at this new job that I think people really seem to call me out on it. Two of my coworkers like to rough house and they are always teasing me that they are afraid to touch me because I'm fragile. This is in reference to my physical state. I, of course, do not see this. I see strong meaty thighs, a gut, and awkwardly lanky arms. I can't imagine someone thinking I look like I could be injured easily because in my mind I look like a beast that can take anything....and for the most part, I think that's why people have picked on me so much over the years....because I look like I can take it. Anyways....yes, my phsical and mental state seems fragile at the moment. See I was given a new anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medicine as a sample pack. The medicine worked wonders for me and I'm much happier, but when I went to refill it my insurance company refused to cover it. Instead I've been given this zombie drug that literally makes me feels emotionless and drained of all energy. I hate this. What's the point of having good medicines if insurance companies won't allow people to have them. Then theres the drama with my job and whether or not I'm being laid off. It's just all so frustrating and overwhelming at the moment. My family is leaving in a few days to visit my sister in China and see her get married. Lucky me...I don't get to attend. Once again...because of money. I'm hoping their time away will provide me some time to play....if you know what I mean. I never get to go out....so I'm hoping I can have some good nights down town before they come back. I'm 129lbs btw. One thing about this new drug is that it will either cause major weight gain or major weight loss based on reviews.....lets hope for the latter. ttyl

Happy New Year!

I'm excited about today. I had a pretty good new years eve and I have alot of hopes for this year. I feel like 2013 is going to be a great year for me. I know this is going to sound extremely juvenile, but 3 has always been a lucky number for me. In fact I use the number 33 as a tag to almost all my usernames and passwords.....idk theres just something that feels really lucky about that number. Plus you know how they says third times a charm. Well, I've been trying to get this weight loss, fitness, and love stuff figured out for the past 3 years. Maybe this is my year. I will say this. Last night I was taking all sorts of pictures and I was kind of shocked. You know how people with ED's can't see them selves properly in real life. Sometimes it takes a picture to knock sense into them. Well I realized last night that I'm reallllly thin. Like thin enough. Like my face looks gaunt. I look so thin and pale....not really healthy. Sure the flash of the camera in club lighting didn't help my ghost like appearance, but this year I'm focusing on being a healthy, fit, and natural me. I want to put good foods into my body and eat the way God intended. It's going to be hard, but I've got to give up all this bad stuff I constantly consume. I've got to give up Splenda. In other news....my best friend has an opportunity to go to LA this February and work on modeling/commercial stuff. He just keeps saying that he's wanting to stay out there when he goes. Now I know he's likely not going to be able to afford to stay out there immediately, but it also made me realize that if he leaves me....I have no one. I need to broaden my horizons and put myself out there. I need to stop being so afraid to get involved with new different people. I can't depend on one friend to hold me over. I just have alot to think about over the next year. Alot of plans to make and so forth. I'm excited about all the opportunities and exciting prospects this year might bring. I'm at a good place right now....So 2013....Here I come. ; )

A Fresh Start...

I have to admit that I feel kind of stupid writing that title because I feel like I have had so many "new" starts...but whatever....it's about to be 2013 and that's what this post is all about. So you're probably wondering why I disappeared for forever....and now I'm even forgetting when I last updated. I'll just quickly summarize this past month. After Thanksgiving and all the eating I was weighing around 130 and I was annoyed with myself about it. I had been feeling a little out of control lately and so I decided to do something different and drastic....Atkins diet. Of course this required me to quit my vegan lifestyle temporarily, but I thought if I could hit 115 then it would all be worth it. I love it the first week. Sure I had no energy and whatever, but it's like no matter how much I ate(and I ate a ton) I never got that bloated stomach you get when you eat even a small amount of carbs. Anyways I quickly lost a few pounds and hit 125lbs but then I couldn't shift anything. Then I bounced back up to 127/128 and no matter how much I maintained the diet I wasn't losing. I never gained anymore but I wasn't losing....I also always felt swollen and I was so sick of eating unhealthy stuff like cheese and fake meats. Anyways....I quit on Dec. 26th. I ate carbs in moderation...I also started my period. My weight went nuts for a couple days but now I'm at 129/130. I'm okay, but I'm annoyed that I can't shift this weight and I am semi unmotivated right now. I think my new plan of attack is to have lots of premade healthy food and lots of good healthy recipes. I think knowing more options and having lots of choices is a big deal for me. If I can find some sweet treats that I really enjoy....that will make all the difference. In other news....I finally did go to the doctor for my thyroid and depression and it turns out my thyroid was really low. So I'm sure that hasn't helped my diet. Also, I started taking a new anti-depressant and I love it. I feel so much more calm, happy, and positive about life in general. I'd share more, but I'm tired....ttyl.