Ballooned

Its hard to believe that in the early part of February I was 134 pounds and feeling so great about my weight loss...and then to think that somewhere in the course of 2 months I managed to gain 15 pounds. I weigh 149 right now....Can you believe it? This isn't me...I think part of the reason that I haven't completely lost my mind right now is because I just don't feel like I could really have put on 15 pounds....it just seems so unreal. I remember swearing I would never see the 140's again and now I'm almost 150! Actually I am 150 with any liquids in me at this point.

I just keep reminding myself it will be okay because I'm back on 100 calories. I can see a difference in my appearance....I am noticeably bigger, but it's okay...I will get my weight back down. I will be 130. I will.

Because from my greatest failures have come my greatest weight losses. It was hitting 147 in January that spurred me down to 134 the last time. So I know its only a matter of time. Mentally I'm so over food. Like its really not an option for me to eat at this point because I'm so serious about getting my weight back down. In 2 weeks I can be well within the 130's again so I'm trying not to stress myself out too much about everything, but this situation is not pleasant and mark my words....THIS ISSSS THE LAST TIME I SEE THE 140'S. Theres no holding back this round...I'm pushing this time till I hit 130. I will hit 130.

One thing I have to change is the binges. Thats what gets me everytime because it causes me to balloon several pounds...but I always justify them saying that they are necessary in order to boost my metabolism back up...and that they are, but in an ideal situation I would simply eat a bowl of broccoli and a couple salads one day in order to boost my metabolism...not go insane on chips, cereal, and other crap food. That is what has to be different this time. I have to follow a strict plan that covers the metabolism issues and the 100 calorie days. A good strict month of dieting ought to do it for me. If I can develop an eating plan I can stick to that balances period of starvation with periods of forgiving metabolism boosts then I know I can be any weight I want to be. I lost sight of my goals to be sickeningly thin, but I have regained focus. I'm in it to win it.

= )