The one good thing about rock bottom is that things can only get better once you hit it. The bad thing is that hitting rock bottom doesn't mean that you suddenly spring up from it....sometimes you stay down there for a while before you muster the strength to start climbing back up.
Well as you can probably assume I have fallen off the weight wagon. I'm at 143 and I'm extremely depressed and discouraged....I think for at least a few days I lost all faith in myself and I was comfort eating the pain away. Its ironic because the food is what brings this pain in the first place. Eating disorders are so complex. That's one of the hardest things I think for people dealing with one....its the fact that unless you've been here you can't possibly understand all the different emotions and thoughts surrounding the food. That's what adds to the depression because the person with the eating feels so misunderstood by others ...and frankly there is nothing more lonely and scary then feeling like no one understands what you're going through.
On that note I have to apologize for not being on blogger lately to comment/encourage any followers. I'm sorry! I know you all have struggles to and I feel bad I haven't been around to drop a word of encouragement. I just haven't been able to face blogger because I've been overwhelmed with guilt.
Yesterday I just hit that point where I'm sick of people looking at me not losing weight and I'm sick of not being thin and I'm sick of eating frankly. Theres nothing more satisfying then looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing progress...AND when you do eat again....food tastes sooo much better after you've been starving for days/weeks. Its like all the flavour is enhanced. I miss feeling weak and powerful all at the same time. It's a high like no other.
On a personal note....this week I had my birthday. Worst birthday in years... I know I've been unfriendly/cranky/rude to my friends lately, but i'm going through a rough period and I'm so depressed....But I guess they all decided to hold my quiet demeanour of late against me because none of them even said happy birthday to me. Let me also add that two of these people in particular I spent alot on for their birthdays and they didn't even take a second to say happy birthday??? I sent them cards, texted them, and wrote on their FB's, and bought them gifts! and they couldn't even say happy birthday to me??? I've never said anything cross to them....at my worst I've been quiet and simply kept to myself lately. I guess you learn who your real friends are. Well I learned I have none.
The crazy thing is...I don't care anymore if I have friends. I don't care if anyone likes me period. I just want to be skinny. I'm giving up on all my relationships and fully investing myself in this battle to be thin. The skinny beautiful girl doesn't have to be nice for people to want her anyways.
Well thats all for now.
I ate 100 calories yesterday, but today and for the rest of the weekend I'm only eating 20 calories of jello a day. I just want to power through the next few pounds.
Todays intake:
2 sugar free jello cups: 20 Cal
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