100th post!!!

On one hand I can't believe it's my 100th post, but on the other hand I can ...regardless it totally makes sense because my issues have definitely come full circle. I think I'm finally back in a place where eating 100-800 calories is doable and I don't have to go into binge mode.

To be honest I ate 700 calories today, but it was a fairly thought out planned 700 and the only thing "bingy" was a 200 calorie cup of cereal. I REFUSEEEEE to guilt trip myself over eating something like 700 calories because it's the guilt that leads me to binge. I do it to myself everytime. I bought a book on eating disorders over spring break...and while I can't think of the title right now there was a life changing quote in there:

‎"Being unable to understand why one feels guilty is so unsettling that it can lead a person to do something bad so that she can at last attribute her guilt to a specific behavior."

Its like the page was screaming those words at me when I read it. Its weird because I still don't know how deeply this applies to me, but on a more surface level I think that logic plays into alot of my binging. I feel like I've sinned when I eat over 100 calories and therefore I pretty much "bask" in my sin in order to justify the guilt.

Well I'm not doing away with 100 calories...obviously as you can tell from my last post, but I'm not killing myself mentally if I eat more and I'm refusing to binge. I will NOT eat over 1000 calories until I am 125...this I swear. Now...on certain occassion I may choose to bundle my calorie usage for the day in order to indulge in a special treat, but the amount of total calories I consume in a day is never allowed to surpass 1000 and really I'm going to call 800 entering the "red zone".

I am 145. This means I have 20 pounds to lose. I can do this. I can so do it. If I just consistently diet I think I can lose 3-4 pounds a week using my methods...I'm going to make a goal of being 130lbs by the time my school lets out for summer break. That means by the end of the 1st week in May I should be 130. If I keep up my diet consistently over a months time it should be so habitual that I don't have to consider whether I'll be able to get down to 125 and below because it will just be my way of life.

I just pray nothing happens to make me slip up.
= )

Hooray for hitting 100! See you at 101! ; )