Reality Check

I woke up so nauseous this morning. I ate 13 carbs yesterday so I think that’s why. I was planning on having my full 20, but my guilt about my fat body took over and I opted to just go to bed. I think the extreme lack of carbs is just making me a little ill temporarily. I’m on track to eat 15 carbs today. I had a dream a few nights ago that I tried on an old mini skirt that was extremelyyyyy loose summer 2014. It’s a size four. In my dream the skirt was tight but I could fit in it. When I got home yesterday evening I started wondering if that had been a dream or if I had really tried the skirt on. So I found it in my closet hanging up and immediately knew it was a dream. The skirt seemed sooooo tiny compared to my wardrobe now days. I decided I needed to try it on. I needed to understand how far gone I am to realllllly make myself take this seriously. It was painful. The skirt wouldn’t go past my thighs. I couldn’t believe it. How did I let myself go this far. I keep thinking back to winter 2014/2015 when I first started putting on weight and I just don’t know why I didn’t course correct. Then I think about last summer when I moved to NYC – determined to get a grip on the weight…. Why did I keep pushing it off? Why did I get to the point where pizza, fries, and cheesecake are my main food groups. I worked so hard when I first started this blog to get my weight under control. And I always prided myself(even during EDNOS recovery) that I hadn’t let myself get above 149 in years. I used to swear I would only ever be that weight again for a pregnancy. Now I could easily be 160…. And I’ve just kept letting it go. I bought a denim jacket three years ago that I used to regret purchasing because it was too big. Now it’s tight. Whatever – this is my new start. I can feel it. I’m determined. I’m not restricting myself to broth… I’m not limiting myself to one meal a day. It’s not sustainable…. Not right now at least. I’m doing Atkins because it allows me to eat things I like while still restricting in an extreme way that satisfies me mentally. I would like to lose 15 pounds by the time my parents get here on 8/31. That will put me at 145. My next goal is to lose another 20lbs by the 10/27. That’s when I’ll be visiting my extended family for a party. I just want to be back to my old thin self by then. Another stressor though is the fact that a couple friends will be visiting me around September/October and I want them to see me like they remember and not this obese heifer I am currently. Also, I’m meeting a bunch of new colleagues in the early part of September and I want them to meet thin Annie. Another benefit I expect form this is that my skin will be flawless if I stick to a low carb diet. Carbs are terrible for your skin. When this is all over and I’m skinny again – maybe I’ll go vegan. Vegan kind of forces you to be thin. We’ll see….