Back On It

I don’t know what it is about the past year(or couple years you could say)… but I have had zero motivation to lose weight. It used to be the only thing I cared about and I was so afraid of being bigger again. Now it’s like I have zero self-control. It’s funny because I used to think that if I could just live on my own I would be so skinny because I wouldn’t fill my house with any temptations. That may have been true at that time, but it goes back to motivation. If the motivation is not there than nothing else matters. These past few months I have had zero self-control and it shows in ever thigh dimple and stomach roll. It’s disgusting. I’ve been thinking recently about all the dating I used to do and it wasn’t even a question in my mind that whoever I dated would think I was gorgeous. Now that seems like a laugh. My scale battery has been dead for over a month and I haven’t been quick in replacing it mainly because I’m sure I don’t want to see what it has to say. Anyways, I’m determined to replace that stupid thing today and see where I am. I imagine I might be as high as 160. Actually thinking about this…. I’m not sure I can handle seeing the scale say 160. We’ll see. All I know is I want to go back to miniskirts, tank tops, and no worries. I used to be so effortlessly pretty. I don’t want to stress about finding clothes big enough… I want to go back to trying to find clothes small enough. I feel certain I’m going to do it this time. I’m going to throw myself into this in every way possible. Running, working out, reading anything pro ana…. Watching anything pro ana, limiting time out with people. I can focus on that when I get back to my goal weight. I’ve even put off seeing friends simply because I don’t want them to see what I look like now. I remember how I used to relish in seeing old friends. I wanted them to see how thin and pretty I had become. My parents are visiting me at the end of the month. I don’t want to worry about not wanting to go out with this fat body…. I just want to be thin and care free. I used to be a loose size four and now I’m uncomfortable in my size tens. I miss seeing how flat and thin my stomach was. I swear I can pull at fat from everywhere these days. I’m doing a low carb diet as of today. The next couple days are going to be tough. I’m already kind of dizzy and sick feeling. The first three days are usually the hardest. I just felt this was necessary because I know I can lose weight quickly on a low carb… I know there are lots of low carb foods I enjoy eating. I also like how gaunt you look on a low carb diet. It would be awesome if I could lose 10lbs by the time my parents come…. That gives me 15 days. I think that’s reasonable given the extreme nature of the diet. Also I feel like when you exercise on a low carb diet it’s like weight loss in high gear. Hopefully a thinner me will update you tomorrow.