It's been a while = )

So it always worried me when I would be reading someone's blog and then they suddenly stopped writing. I would wonder if they died in some tragic way or if the diet finally got them. I felt it was important to eventually return to this blog and let anyone who cared know how my life has turned out.

I've just been reading over my old posts and wow. What a journey I've been on over the past year. I think I really found myself over the past year. As hard as it's been I don't think I would change a thing.

Let me start by saying that I am recovered (for the most part) from my ED. For me, recovery at this point means that I always eat at least 1200 calories and I don't punish myself for eating more or overeating. I don't purge and I exercise regularly. = )

In fact I am running in my first 5k this weekend! I'm the strongest I've ever been and the healthiest!

Let me now say that I didn't think this was possible a few months ago even. I never thought I would see the day when I wasn't obsessed with calories and I sure as hell didn't think I'd ever see the day where I ran for fun...let alone payedddd to run in a race. haha


I have alot more to say with regards to my recovery and my current standing, but if I could put my turning point down to one thing it would be this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zxXi0yeGGw


I really hope anyone struggling will watch this video and let everything sink in.

My lovely followers...I hope you are happy and healthy. = )

I'll discuss this more when I have a bit more time!

= )

I saw the therapist Monday. It was weird because I had in my mind what things would look like and how the therapist would act and when I actually got there I was almost in a state of shock as to how different things were from what I imagined.
I pictured like a nice office and a waiting room with some couches and plush chairs...and a therapist that was super warm/friendly. The reality is that the "office: is basically in a dilapidated old trailer. = ( I walked in to a tiny dark, dingy room full of crazy people...literally. It was gross and the people were so odd that I literally considered just getting up and leaving, but I decided to give the therapist a try at least because I was in such bad shape.

When I finally went back to her office to meet her I just answered all her preliminary questions and such she had to do for new patients. The office completely transforms when you get past the waiting room and it's actually quite nice. It took nearly an hour to do all the initial paperwork, but it gave us an idea about each other. She seems nice, but she is very stand-offish. I felt like she was looking at me several times like I was weird, but then again I'm crazy paranoid so who knows.
I have alot of hope that this will really help. = )

Yesterday I relapsed a little and had a 500 calorie day out of desperation and insecurity, but today I went to the gym and I've eaten really healthy. This should end up being a 1200 calorie day. = )

I want to thank you all for the continued support you all show me! I really appreciate it! I never knew things would spiral out like they have, but I have faith that they will get better.

Detached

I'm not sure how long its been since I've written...Seems like quite a while.
I'm just going to warn you that this post is completely uninteresting and you do not need to read it. I'm just trying to write down my thoughts as some therapy.

I've seen the doctor once since that one embarrassing visit. I see a therapist tomorrow and I'm starting anti-depressants. I've got to be honest...the only reason I'm not dead right now is because I have no easy suicide option. All of them could potentially turn into bigger messes than simply living this misery. Also I'm so mentally and physically depressed that I can't even conjure up the energy to do it. Last week I had requested off the whole week thinking that it would help me to get away from the store, but by the time I realized that was a bad idea it was too late. After coming in from work last Monday morning I literally didn't leave my house till Friday to pick up a paycheck. I didn't talk to anyone in my family. I stayed in my room for days simply laying in bed....for days.
It's almost a blur now. During that time I googled quite a bit about my problems and the best I can come up with is that I'm suffering from alot of social anxiety/general anxiety probably brought on from the eating disorder...which also sent me into a bout of major depression.
I hate myself....I'm constantly telling myself how ugly fat and disgusting I am. I nearly had several panic attacks this week simply from having to see my own disgusting body. All this self hate has also taken it's toll on my feeling towards my family. I hate them right now. All of them...and I don't know why. I find myself wanting to be mean to them too...so that maybe they feel as miserable as I do. I don't know why I'm so angry...I am hopeful that the psychiatrist can help me work that out.
I've also cut off all my "friends"... I'm angry at them also for never thinking about me or bothering to inquire about my life. None of them know about this issue. None of them ever bothered to find out.

So I'm completely alone. I have separated myself from any and everyone in my life. Frankly, it's just the last step because I think I cut myself off from myself many months ago. I don't even know who I am anymore.

As hopeful as I am about tomorrow...a one hour session isn't going to do anything. I feel it would take a week of constant therapy to even touch the surface of this.
It's as if I was in an wreck and I'm bleeding with near fatal injuries and someone is going to dab my wounds tomorrow with a tissue.

I'm sorry I'm not keeping up with anyone right now...It's just a bad time.

Hopeful

I weigh 142. Bleh.

I'm slightly better than I was the other day mood wise. That day at the doctor was basically life changing. It was the first time I've acknowledged my inner most secrets and flaws to someone. My friends/sisters don't even know my problems.

The reason it was so traumatic is because I cried in the office. Embarrassing. The nurse I cried in front of was horrified. haha It's not funny, but she look so scared! The doctor was more normal. She asked em how I see myself. I was like "Really fat." ...obviously. She said I was a normal weight and even somewhat thin. Obviously fake encouragement. oh well. She is supposed to refer me to a psychologist, but it's been several days and still no word. That's really annoying. Like I need help now! The sooner I can see someone the sooner this whole mess can be behind me!

I've been eating around 1000 calories. Just trying to keep my intake up.

I find that I'm more motivated to lose weight this way...less likely to binge...and more mentally stable.

A typical day for me eating wise goes like this:

2/3 cup Granola Cereal: 250 calories(a little less than that, but i always say 250 just in case...I'd rather estimate high rather than low)

1 small potato and plain steamed broccoli: 250

Maybe an apple: 100

Salad(100) and 1/2 Oatmeal(300): 400

If I reallllly want something else I may nibble on some pretzels but that's about it.
I'm trying to eat balanced meals. Meals with carbs, vegetables, and protein.

I'm hoping when school gets out i can spend alot more time in the gym. I just need to be at least 130. Ed or not...I have to be 130 at least. I'm so close that theres no reason I shouldn't be able to.

Hope everyone is well!

Dead

All day I've been in a fog. I'm just staring blankly...in silence.

I saw the doctor this morning about my ED. I cried. I humiliated myself.

I don't cry in public. I'm a perfectionist. I always have to appear like I have everything together. I always have to seem perfect. I never go out without makeup and an outfit picked out. I'm ALWAYS together.

Not today. Today I sat in an office...sobbing...and telling 2 people how pathetic I am. How weird I am. How UNperfect I am.

Leaving that office I felt exposed...violated...horrified with embarrassment.

I haven't spoken to anyone all day. I answered my Moms questions about what tests were done and then I went off to my room.

I truly feel like I died today.
I can't explain how traumatic the past few weeks have been. I just keep feeling worse and worse....but today...today was the worst.

I don't have a referral for a psychologist yet and I don't know when they'll call me with one. Right now it feels like this was all for nothing because there hasn't been any help or progress...just torment.
It's only because I have hope that I surviving this day.

I have to believe I may be able to resolve all my issues. I have to.

The Endless Cycle

So yesterday I did what I often do when I get panicky about my ED. I start binging. I just started eating this candy out of an easter basket my sister gave me. It was all downhill from there. I ate all the candies and a cookie, potatoes, broccoli, oatmeal, cereal, pretzels, a sandwich, piece of cake, fruit, jello salad, and probably something else I can't remember. I finally got so stuffed and sick that I couldn't stand up straight ...that's always my signal that I am ready to purge. I purged in the toilet rather than my bedroom trash can like I usually do because my family was gone. omg....Thats why I struggled with purging in the past...because I wasn't positioned correctly. Doing it in the toilet was the key. I threw up everything. I ended up eating some fruit and a piece of carrot cake last night because it was my sister's birthday, but I still didn't think my calorie intake was that high. Today I wake up though and I'm 144. What the heck happened....I purged it. I know I got it all up because I weighed myself after.

Everytime I binge the next day I have this burning feeling in my stomach/chest and this emptiness that doesn't feel like normal hunger. It's like more extreme. It's miserable. My stomach has been gurgling all morning and I'm just really disgusted with myself.

I want to go back to that resolve I had a few weeks ago when I started eating 1200 calories. I want to feel normal and healthy, but then another part of me wants to feel faint and sick from starvation. I want to feel weak. I want to be losing weight!

I just don't know what to do. I was resolved to get an appt with my doctor, but now I'm wondering if that's the right thing. I need to lose more weight! Besides that I don't want to go to the doctor when I'm this fat. She'll think I'm a joke.

Everytime I start the starvation thoughts I also start wanting to binge. Like it puts this desperation in me, but when I was allowing myself 1200 calories and "being normal" I wasn't even really tempted by food. Like I only ate at my meal times and it was just food to me...I didn't have this emotional draw to it. Because of that I was taking in around 900-1000 calories and not even hitting my limit.


idk what to do. Suggestions??


Thanks for all the support and advice! Your comments mean alot! really and truly.

Btw, I'm not sure if you saw my response, A. I had accidently written my home phone number when I wasn't thinking. My cell is 304-561-8224 if you want to buddy-up on diet. = )

Coming Out

It's a fact that seeking help is the scariest aspect of an ED. I've been at my wit's end. Literally sobbing and not being able to get control of these emotions all week. I'm just extremely discouraged about my weight and my scarily determined willpower to not eat.

It occurred to me this week that most people who develop an ED...due so when they are of a perfectly normal weight. I developed one when I was overweight. I lost 55 pounds through starvation alone. That takes an incredibly large toll on the body and thats why my symptoms are so similar to someone who is truly underweight. I've lost my periods. I have no blood circulation...literally my feet looked dead yesterday. They were so blue/purple that my Mom gasped and the whole thing reallly scared me. My heart hurts all the time. I can't sleep. I'm just extremely miserable and to top it off I don't have that excited feeling about weight loss anymore. It's like they are just numbers...all equally horrible and I'm fat no matter what the scale says. I weigh 140 today. Perfectly normal. Exactly ideal weight for a girl my height, but I hate myself...I hate my body so much. Despite my best attempts to be proud of my body...I feel ashamed.

I reached out to my Mom last night and explained the gravity of this situation. Basically we're seeking help at the beginning of the week. I'm scared. I'm afraid they'll put me on a diet that will make me gain. I'm afraid I'll see a counsellor that will think I'm fat and this is stupid.

....I'm glad the conversations over though.