Snow

It's snowing heavily. This is about the thickest snowfall I've seen in years here. I love winter weather. I love the cold. I love dreary days. I love rain. I always say I come alive this time of year. I think it's because I'm often depressed. I've had depression most of my life. Also I'm naturally very pale. So I think this time of year just agrees with me. There is something so obnoxious about summer to me. It's annoying how happy everyone gets about it. It's annoying how bright the sun is....and it's annoying how everyone flaunts their toned, tan bodies as much as possible. I guess I'm weird, but I almost get some sort of sick pleasure out of people being miserable in the winter. It's like "ha-ha ....now you all have to be as miserable as I always am." lol Isn't that quite a weird, pathetic thing to think?? I went running last night again. I ran for 25min and let me just tell you....I want to die today. I'm so sore!! Like any movement is exhausting. I knew I would weigh more today because I haven't been peeing much and I ate alot more yesterday w/o any bowel movements. I felt good about my intake yesterday, but I know I definitely could drop a few pounds if I used the restroom. I'm so bloated atm. I weighed 132. Which I don't even feel phased by because it's exactly what I predicted I would weigh given this lack of bathroom usage. I had off the past 2 days and it was soooo lovely. I seriously get my stomach all in knots thinking about going into work today. I hate this job so much. I hate the people. I hate the customers. I hate it all. I just want to be in an office....working on tasks and in solitude. I am about to work 8 days straight...6 of which are closing shifts which mean that I have to work till 10pm or later 6 of those days. :( In a way it's sort of good because I'll be so tired from a lack of days off that I don't think I could manage going into work any earlier than 1pm everyday. I work retail btw. I'm an HR manager for a retail store. Anyways ....until next time...

They'll like me if I'm thinner...

I don't know why, but I've been plagued by this thought my entire life. My whole life I've found myself blaming my weight for all my problems. In middle school I was convinced that my crush would love me if I came into youth group meetings as a totally beautiful skinny girl. In high school I was convinced that all these girls would be my friend and guys would adore me if I was skinny. I never thought about my personality or my intelligence. I guess I assumed I was acceptable in most ways...except for the weight. I even thought my Dad would finally be proud of me if I was skinny and pretty. I believed the same for my mom....although I always felt she approved of me pretty much regardless. I think I spent my whole life believing that once I hit this certain weight then suddenly magic would happen and everyone would love me. Everyone would want to be my friend. Everyone would love to talk to me, to listen to me, and I would have to beat away the guys on a daily basis. When you spend your whole life convinced that your weight is the root of ALL your problems and that if you lose enough everything will be perfect....it's really hard to accept the fact that life doesn't work that way. I think I'm a really sad, lonely person who feels totally rejected by just about everyone, but I'm "skinny" now.... People constantly say I'm gorgeous. I get compliments from guys daily and sometimes even when I'm with my mother. A few weeks ago a co worker said I had the most perfect face. I reached my huge goal of becoming 130lbs and all people do is comment on how thin I am and how I shouldn't lose anymore.....but yet I still believe they'll all magically like me if I get to 120. Right now I feel like no one likes me at my work....they all talk about me behind my back. My boss is flat out hateful to me. I'm single. I haven't had even a date in almost a year. My friends have basically all drifted away from me expect for 2.....and I rarely get to see them. I still live at home. My parents still shelter me and I still have a million rules even though I'm 23. I just feel so pathetic. If just one thing was going right in my life I think I could manage, but everything seems so bleak and unbearable. Diet seems to be the only thing that comforts me. It's "safe" and "familiar" territory. I guess in another way I also feel like as long as everyone hates me they might as well hate me for being ridiculously thin and beautiful too. = ) later.....

Thoughts that lurk....

So I'm back.... I'm not sure what to say... My last post was all about how I was recovered so I'm a bit embarrassed to be posting right now, but I guess the ED thoughts never fully go away and I recently surrendered to them again. I'm 129lbs right now. It's kind of funny but when I initially set out to lose all this weight so many years ago, my goal was 130. Even when I hit 130 it wasn't really that big of a deal. It's like while I never want to be gaining weight....the low numbers seem to mean less and less all the time. I always feel fat. I will always feel fat. I will always feel inferior. I will always feel I'm not good enough. So I've realized that the low number isn't going to magically change that. I've always said that if I just hit X number of pounds then everything would be good, but then I get to that goal and I'm still unhappy. All that being said ...I still believe life will be a little better if I get to 120. At least when I get there I'll be underweight....finally. Can you believe I use to be literally obese on the BMI scale and now I'm closing in on underweight?? It is kind of amazing. There are so many things that people say stimulate eating disorders and I find so many of these things are present in my life. Here's a little background on what my life has been like since I last wrote. Summer 2011 I got really into working out and really tried to invest all my efforts into being super fit and healthy rather than starving. The truth is that working out relieved a little bit of the eating anxiety that I had, but in some ways I just started manifesting my ED issues in the workout stuff. I was obsessive. I worked out almost 2hrs everyday. I still weighed myself alot just not AS obsessively. I got down to 135lbs eating a balanced diet and working out, but when school started I had less time for the 2hr workouts and my diet wasn't as strict. I got to about 147 and felt pretty down about it, but nothing like I would have a year earlier. I ran my first half marathon around that time and the next day I met the boy of my dreams. I started starving and quickly got down to 135 in a matter of 2 weeks. I didn't realize it at the time, but he was my first love. He was a model and sooooo beautiful. I felt like maybe he was my reward for all the hard work I'd put in the past 2 years. After dating a couple months he ended up cheating on me....and dumping me for a girl who was actually heavier than me, with a short butch hair cut, and rocker tattoos all over. lol It's funny now, but trust me....at the time it was devastating. It's weird because she was almost everything I was avoiding my whole life because I thought being the pretty, preppy, skinny blonde was what was going to land me my dream guy. Turns out it's what made me lose him. I honestly think he had self esteem issues and I think I unintentionally made him feel bad about himself. Well enough about that. In all that mess I also ended up graduating from college. = ) I struggled looking for work and maintained around 140 this entire time. 140 is a weight my body naturally seems to gravitate towards. If I eat the way I'm naturally inclined to given my current habits then I think I would stay 140 for life. But I have never liked that number. Despite wanting to lose more it seemed like i could never get below 134. 134 was like the equivelent of some video game level that you can never pass. lol Sorry for the nerdy analogy, but thats what it always makes me think of. Several weeks ago i felt my eating was out of control....I felt so fat and I decided to muster up some courage to weigh myself and take back control of the situation. When I weighed myself I was thinking worst case scenario I'm 146. I weighed 138. For some reasons my major diet always start with some unitentional weight loss. It's like seeing that I'm at a "happy" number without even trying makes me get competitive and say...."Wonder what I can do if I try??" Before I knew it I was on a crazy strict ED type diet. I was depressed, moody, exhausted, weak.....and I loved it. That's the thing about the ED....it's like there is some sort of sick joy in all that pain. I associate all that with being thin and pretty...so in some weird way I enjoy it. I hit 128 the day of this big family get together.....I was really weak ...emotionally and physically. I felt certain I was going to lose control that day and I did. My "binge" was actually not bad whatsoever, but I weighed in the next day at 133. Being experienced with all this I wasn't shocked.....I have waivered a bit getting back on track with the diet, but it's been about 2 weeks since then and I've been maintaining 130. = )This morning I weighed in at 129. I can put that down to 2 things. 1. I ate around 600ish calories yesterday and 2. I ran 2 miles and burnt 120 calories on the elliptical. I ate pretty much exactly what I wanted yesterday. The trick is that I've trained my wants. I crave healthier foods naturally now. I did allow myself one cookie and that's the other thing... if I have a little bit of the unhealthy stuff here and there I don't go into a psychotic binge. This is a diet I can maintain and I'm dead set on hitting 120 and beyond. I think 115 sounds like a good number. I know a major part of this whole diet thing has been brought on by my work life. I'm miserable in my current job. I hate it. I hate my co workers.... But I have no ability to leave. Currently there are just no better options. I think this work situation has left me feeling out of control and therefore I'm just grasping for anything I can control.....this is what I do best. Dieting is what I do best. .....Until next time.

It's been a while = )

So it always worried me when I would be reading someone's blog and then they suddenly stopped writing. I would wonder if they died in some tragic way or if the diet finally got them. I felt it was important to eventually return to this blog and let anyone who cared know how my life has turned out.

I've just been reading over my old posts and wow. What a journey I've been on over the past year. I think I really found myself over the past year. As hard as it's been I don't think I would change a thing.

Let me start by saying that I am recovered (for the most part) from my ED. For me, recovery at this point means that I always eat at least 1200 calories and I don't punish myself for eating more or overeating. I don't purge and I exercise regularly. = )

In fact I am running in my first 5k this weekend! I'm the strongest I've ever been and the healthiest!

Let me now say that I didn't think this was possible a few months ago even. I never thought I would see the day when I wasn't obsessed with calories and I sure as hell didn't think I'd ever see the day where I ran for fun...let alone payedddd to run in a race. haha


I have alot more to say with regards to my recovery and my current standing, but if I could put my turning point down to one thing it would be this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zxXi0yeGGw


I really hope anyone struggling will watch this video and let everything sink in.

My lovely followers...I hope you are happy and healthy. = )

I'll discuss this more when I have a bit more time!

= )

I saw the therapist Monday. It was weird because I had in my mind what things would look like and how the therapist would act and when I actually got there I was almost in a state of shock as to how different things were from what I imagined.
I pictured like a nice office and a waiting room with some couches and plush chairs...and a therapist that was super warm/friendly. The reality is that the "office: is basically in a dilapidated old trailer. = ( I walked in to a tiny dark, dingy room full of crazy people...literally. It was gross and the people were so odd that I literally considered just getting up and leaving, but I decided to give the therapist a try at least because I was in such bad shape.

When I finally went back to her office to meet her I just answered all her preliminary questions and such she had to do for new patients. The office completely transforms when you get past the waiting room and it's actually quite nice. It took nearly an hour to do all the initial paperwork, but it gave us an idea about each other. She seems nice, but she is very stand-offish. I felt like she was looking at me several times like I was weird, but then again I'm crazy paranoid so who knows.
I have alot of hope that this will really help. = )

Yesterday I relapsed a little and had a 500 calorie day out of desperation and insecurity, but today I went to the gym and I've eaten really healthy. This should end up being a 1200 calorie day. = )

I want to thank you all for the continued support you all show me! I really appreciate it! I never knew things would spiral out like they have, but I have faith that they will get better.

Detached

I'm not sure how long its been since I've written...Seems like quite a while.
I'm just going to warn you that this post is completely uninteresting and you do not need to read it. I'm just trying to write down my thoughts as some therapy.

I've seen the doctor once since that one embarrassing visit. I see a therapist tomorrow and I'm starting anti-depressants. I've got to be honest...the only reason I'm not dead right now is because I have no easy suicide option. All of them could potentially turn into bigger messes than simply living this misery. Also I'm so mentally and physically depressed that I can't even conjure up the energy to do it. Last week I had requested off the whole week thinking that it would help me to get away from the store, but by the time I realized that was a bad idea it was too late. After coming in from work last Monday morning I literally didn't leave my house till Friday to pick up a paycheck. I didn't talk to anyone in my family. I stayed in my room for days simply laying in bed....for days.
It's almost a blur now. During that time I googled quite a bit about my problems and the best I can come up with is that I'm suffering from alot of social anxiety/general anxiety probably brought on from the eating disorder...which also sent me into a bout of major depression.
I hate myself....I'm constantly telling myself how ugly fat and disgusting I am. I nearly had several panic attacks this week simply from having to see my own disgusting body. All this self hate has also taken it's toll on my feeling towards my family. I hate them right now. All of them...and I don't know why. I find myself wanting to be mean to them too...so that maybe they feel as miserable as I do. I don't know why I'm so angry...I am hopeful that the psychiatrist can help me work that out.
I've also cut off all my "friends"... I'm angry at them also for never thinking about me or bothering to inquire about my life. None of them know about this issue. None of them ever bothered to find out.

So I'm completely alone. I have separated myself from any and everyone in my life. Frankly, it's just the last step because I think I cut myself off from myself many months ago. I don't even know who I am anymore.

As hopeful as I am about tomorrow...a one hour session isn't going to do anything. I feel it would take a week of constant therapy to even touch the surface of this.
It's as if I was in an wreck and I'm bleeding with near fatal injuries and someone is going to dab my wounds tomorrow with a tissue.

I'm sorry I'm not keeping up with anyone right now...It's just a bad time.

Hopeful

I weigh 142. Bleh.

I'm slightly better than I was the other day mood wise. That day at the doctor was basically life changing. It was the first time I've acknowledged my inner most secrets and flaws to someone. My friends/sisters don't even know my problems.

The reason it was so traumatic is because I cried in the office. Embarrassing. The nurse I cried in front of was horrified. haha It's not funny, but she look so scared! The doctor was more normal. She asked em how I see myself. I was like "Really fat." ...obviously. She said I was a normal weight and even somewhat thin. Obviously fake encouragement. oh well. She is supposed to refer me to a psychologist, but it's been several days and still no word. That's really annoying. Like I need help now! The sooner I can see someone the sooner this whole mess can be behind me!

I've been eating around 1000 calories. Just trying to keep my intake up.

I find that I'm more motivated to lose weight this way...less likely to binge...and more mentally stable.

A typical day for me eating wise goes like this:

2/3 cup Granola Cereal: 250 calories(a little less than that, but i always say 250 just in case...I'd rather estimate high rather than low)

1 small potato and plain steamed broccoli: 250

Maybe an apple: 100

Salad(100) and 1/2 Oatmeal(300): 400

If I reallllly want something else I may nibble on some pretzels but that's about it.
I'm trying to eat balanced meals. Meals with carbs, vegetables, and protein.

I'm hoping when school gets out i can spend alot more time in the gym. I just need to be at least 130. Ed or not...I have to be 130 at least. I'm so close that theres no reason I shouldn't be able to.

Hope everyone is well!