A Fresh Start...

I have to admit that I feel kind of stupid writing that title because I feel like I have had so many "new" starts...but whatever....it's about to be 2013 and that's what this post is all about. So you're probably wondering why I disappeared for forever....and now I'm even forgetting when I last updated. I'll just quickly summarize this past month. After Thanksgiving and all the eating I was weighing around 130 and I was annoyed with myself about it. I had been feeling a little out of control lately and so I decided to do something different and drastic....Atkins diet. Of course this required me to quit my vegan lifestyle temporarily, but I thought if I could hit 115 then it would all be worth it. I love it the first week. Sure I had no energy and whatever, but it's like no matter how much I ate(and I ate a ton) I never got that bloated stomach you get when you eat even a small amount of carbs. Anyways I quickly lost a few pounds and hit 125lbs but then I couldn't shift anything. Then I bounced back up to 127/128 and no matter how much I maintained the diet I wasn't losing. I never gained anymore but I wasn't losing....I also always felt swollen and I was so sick of eating unhealthy stuff like cheese and fake meats. Anyways....I quit on Dec. 26th. I ate carbs in moderation...I also started my period. My weight went nuts for a couple days but now I'm at 129/130. I'm okay, but I'm annoyed that I can't shift this weight and I am semi unmotivated right now. I think my new plan of attack is to have lots of premade healthy food and lots of good healthy recipes. I think knowing more options and having lots of choices is a big deal for me. If I can find some sweet treats that I really enjoy....that will make all the difference. In other news....I finally did go to the doctor for my thyroid and depression and it turns out my thyroid was really low. So I'm sure that hasn't helped my diet. Also, I started taking a new anti-depressant and I love it. I feel so much more calm, happy, and positive about life in general. I'd share more, but I'm tired....ttyl.

Making deals with God

From a very young age I remember feeling very in tune with God. I didn't always realize it was God that was directing my conscience, but as I became older and more self aware I understood that He was the one guiding me all along. I guess deep down I always felt like it was him putting certain ideas in my head, but another part of me would rationalize that I was just being silly and letting my imagination get the better of me. Because a part of me did believe God was listening and speaking to me through the experiences I faced in life....I would make deals with him. I've always been asking God to grant me certain things....sometimes I make promises in return about what I will or will not do in return. Most of these requests are shadowed by something greater though. The greatest request I ever made from God and the one I know he granted me. One summer when I was probably 12 I started reading proverbs and praying alot. The whole concept of wisdom became really important to me. I was fascinated by "wise" people of the Bible and today.....and I wanted to be one of those people. I began to pray constantly for wisdom. I read the book of proverbs over and over again and prayed heavily for wisdom at the present and wisdom as I grew older. I believe when we truly seek pure things WITH pure intentions....God loves to give them to us. This is one of those things. I believe my request of wisdom has been granted and it's presence has stood out in many situations I've faced. Do I think that I myself am extremely wise and intelligent??? Heck no! Do I think God has granted me insight and good instincts at very crucial moments in my life in order to make WISE decisions??? YES!!! Another way I always felt God was talking to me was with regard to my weight. I remember when I was growing up people would always tell me how beautiful I was, but I could tell their compliments were masked with hesitance because while they thought I was pretty....they also still knew I was fat. All growing up my parents would just blatantly say that I was their "most beautiful daughter"....this would usually be followed with "Now if you can just get your weight under control...." -_- Even though I knew I was pretty...or at least had the potential to be pretty.... I couldn't get a handle on my weight. I used to believe God was not allowing my to find the willpower to lose weight because he knew if I lost weight I would go out of control....and I would have. I can tell you right now that if I had always been thin....I would either have kids and some low life husband....or I'd be some sort of porn star/stripper. I always had a high sex drive and then on top of it...I longed for the male attention that I never got from my father. Now that I'm older I KNOW God was keeping me from being thin until I was mature enough to manage being thin. I'm old enough to have self worth and self value that I won't sleep around casually...and I won't fall for the lines of some guy. And this comes back to where I was headed with the wisdom story. I often wonder how I didn't have sex with Brandon. I know pretty much every girl he's even hinted at sex with has jumped at the chance. He even told me...no one ever made him wait. Of course he could have been lying, but I don't think so. I remember every date we went on just seeing how all the girls just stared at him soooo intently....lusting after him. He was beautiful. He made me totally wet just from the thought of him. When he would repeatedly ask me for sex...I truly believe the only reason I was able to say no was because of my wisdom deal with God. I think he gave me the insight to somehow sense that the whole relationship was a waste. I never consciously realized it, but subconsciously I knew brandon was just a jerk..... even when he fed me all the lines to make me believe otherwise. I think God kept me from this whole situation and has planned everything the way he has for a special reason. I can't help but believe there is a special purpose ahead for me. I've always believe it somewhat, but today this whole thing has really been on my mind. Maybe it's about time I stop obsessing about my issues and start trusting that everything is coming together up ahead....I just can't see it yet. = )

Creep

I feel like this is the never ending rant that plays on repeat in my head. I'm sorry for subjecting anyone who bothers to read my blog to this broken record, but this blog is a diary of my thoughts and struggles.....this is my biggest struggle. I get so angry when I think about how life has turned upside down since high school. In high school the most important thing in the world is being skinny and pretty. I spent all of high school watching all the skinny pretty girls getting attention and preferential treatment while I sat on the sidelines being unimportant and ignored. Guys made fun of me....I felt bullied most of highschool even though I was never physically hurt. Even in college looks play a huge role in everything....even though they slowly start mattering less and less. Unfortunately for me I wasn't truly thin and pretty until my senior year. Even then I was still 140. Now when I'm finally coming into the body I've always wanted .... appearance starts meaning less and less. I feel like in high school if you were the prettiest girl you were put on a pedestal....but once you're an adult people are more likely to despise you for being beautiful than anything else. Also, all those girls that were so perfect snagged there prince charming and are now fat with at least one kid. It's actually crazy because it's like when I finally got myself to where I was beating them at their own game....they completely changed the rules. Now it's like it doesn't matter if you're fat. I just feel like I can't win. Sometimes I hate myself too because I feel like I'm caving into their game even though I know better. I know if I can get out of this area I can meet lots of attractive guys and I know that outside of this depressing fat town...people really care about looks. I hate days like this. I hate myself for missing my ex. He was really a jerk. But I've never physically wanted a guy so much in my life. I miss his lips. I miss his scent. The first time we made out he was sweaty from an earlier workout....I literally licked the sweat off him. That's how irresistible he was to me. I just want to replace him so bad so I don't have to think of him. I will never be able to get over him until I have someone else to think about.

Long and obnoxious

I apologize for this post in advance. It's me just word vomiting all my frustrations of late. That whole rejection from the guy I liked....that hurt. That hurt realllllly bad. It's so much easier to stay along and be bottled up, but if you never take a risk then you have to live with this nagging feeling that something better might have been. At this point though I feel like I'm never trying again. I will say though....it's just not fair that all day I get harassed or hit on by unappealing, unattractive guys ....and not even just that....sometimes actually hot guys, but when I finally want someone back....they never want me. Actually sometimes I think even if I were to pay attention to the guys hitting on me...they would suddenly realize they didn't want me. Have you heard that song "Wanted" by Hunter Hayes?? That song is exactly how I feel....exactly. I just want someone to want me....currently not even my friends seem to want me. So basically I feel like that whole incident with the guy was to show me that I need to just completely keep to myself and focus on my diet and exercise. Happiness may be at 115....when i can finally love my body I might be able to receive love from someone. I won't love myself until at least 115. I'm still 126. Weight doesn't move as fast the thinner you get, but I did measure my waist at 25 inches today..so that was awesome. ttyl

Mortified and Confused

Life has gotten really bad and I'm really depressed. I've just never felt so alone or so outcast as I do right now. I know I go back to this all the time, but when i was really fat I used to think that my weight the root of all my problems. If I lost weight then i would no longer have problems. I think one of the reasons I've struggled with so much depression over the past few years since I initially lost the weight was that I realized I still had lots of problems. Sure some of them changed forms, but I pretty much still had lots of problems...in a lot of ways I had even more problems. I used to hear girls or my friends talk about other girls they thought were perfect and I would think..."I don't want to talk about how perfect this girl is...I want to be that girl that people talk about." In alot of ways....I am that girl. People are constantly telling me I'm sooo skinny...or I look like a model...or beautiful, etc. But it's weird. It's like even though part of you logically believes those things....it doesn't mean you don't still feel ugly deep down. I live for male attention. I depend on it like a drug. I never go on dates. Guys rarely have the guts to approach me....but I live for their stares. I live for knowing they admire me. It's like my whole life is built around being this unattainable figure and then when I'm so alone because I have become this girl....then I feel so depressed. I never go out with my friends anymore....because I can't afford the calories. I never hang out with anyone really....all because I'm so consumed with being this perfect skinny girl....because I believe that's what will make me happy....yet it's done the opposite. It's ruined me. I named this post mortified because this week I took a big risk and approached a guy for a date. Not only was I rejected, but I was rejected cruelly. It's weird because I see guys looking at me all the time and other females will talk like it must be so easy for me to find a bf, but when I finally get bold...it always back fires. I'll always end up pursuing the one guy who could care less about me. I started texting this guy I discovered in a very odd way. Granted the whole thing was weird, but I called myself a secret admirer and thought he might find the whole thing sort of intriguing or funny. He talk to me alot and told me about his job and work, etc. Finally this week I popped in and revealed myself thinking that once he knew I was actually pretty he might take a serious interest. Today I truly realized I had been rejected and then publicly put on blast on FB as a stalker. I can see how it might seem that way but I seriously only meant it in fun. I feel like such a fool and I feel certain that everyone I know will find out and think I'm an idiot. I don't know why he had to be so hateful about it. I just feel so stupid and exactly like fat loser Annie. It's as if I've never changed. I think I won't eat tomorrow. I'm 126 btw. ttyl

Slow and steady wins the race

So yesterday was another really good day for dieting. I always eat some cheerios for breakfast at about 150 calories...I have lots of coffee. I went to the gym and ran a few miles (burned off 200+ calories). Then I ate some fake chicken(vegan) ....and that was around 160 calories. At that point I was ready for bed....so I took my nightly dose of nyquil and headed to bed. Unfortunately, one of the biggest side effects for me with a starvation diet is the insomnia. I have insomnia anyways, but the starvation makes it horrible. Even after taking a double dose of medicine I woke up at 11pm and couldn't go back to sleep. I decided to eat some cheerios and take more nyquil. It helped and I finally went to sleep. Unfortunately I wasn't able to hit 127 because of that and maintained 128, but I'm not stressing. I'm on the right path and that's what this new mentality is all about....Slow, steady, and faithful. This is my lifestyle change. I'll be 127 tomorrow though I'm sure. I'm trying to average about 3 lbs loss per week. That will put me at my goal in 2 weeks and my ultimate goal weight in a month. I'm targeting my 115 goal to be hit on December 3rd. I know I can do it. = ) Hope everyone is finding success in their dieting life as well. = )

Here's the secret to being thin...

Over the past few years I've been on pretty much one continuous diet that has seen me fluctuate in weight quite a bit. I mean overall I lost about 80-90lbs and landed at 140, but I would fluctuate up and down from there all the time over the past 2 years. The highest I've been since then is 147 and the lowest being 134.....until recently when I started maintaining this 129/130 weight. So overall I have quite a bit of experience with what works for me and what doesn't. Here's the thing....I always tend to get obsessive. When I originally wanted to start losing weight I started eating around 500 calories...give or take a few. I tried to stay in a 300-600 calorie range and I did really well with my diet. I was losing around 15-20 lbs a month and I was pretty satisfied with my cravings too. A few months in I got a little carried away and thats when the 100 calorie days started. Then I started feeling like anything over that was insane. I would always drop a pound a day doing that, but it was draining and exhausting and mentally I would start to lose it a bit. Then I would have some out of control binge that would result in me gaining back half of what I'd lost and so yea.... It was effective, but not necessarily more so than the moderate starvation that just had slower steady results. The thing is....sometimes it's hard to stay motivated at 500 calories when you're not seeing daily weight loss. Okay so all ED people know where the good diet shows are on youtube. We've pretty much all made a sport of watching the diet programs such as "Super Slim Me", "Super Skinny Me", and movies like "For the Love of Nancy" ....well one such favourite of mine is Supersize VS Superskinny. I love seeing what the intake is of someone so small and work on emulating it. One thing that I've realized is that those people just don't really care about food. They eat it because they must, but they aren't thinking 24/7 about cravings and calories. They eat very little and they care very little.....and somehow in the end they become very little. That's the trick....stop caring like that. Food is something I must consume, but I have to train myself to feel disconnected from it emotionally. It's simply a boring part of everyday life. I've started thinking with this mentality. I'm trying to exercise a moderate and enjoyable amount....and I'm eating exactly how I please. Overall I've been consuming around 500 calories a day, but I've felt satisfied and I know that if I adopt this lifestyle....in a couple months I'll be 110-115, but I'll be happy and I'll be able to maintain it. Binging is a thing of the past...Binging is for out of control people....Moderation is for sensible people and starving is for dead people. I'm 129 today and my weight is not where I'd like it to be....but I'm not stressing. I'm on the right track and that's what matters.