Creep

I feel like this is the never ending rant that plays on repeat in my head. I'm sorry for subjecting anyone who bothers to read my blog to this broken record, but this blog is a diary of my thoughts and struggles.....this is my biggest struggle. I get so angry when I think about how life has turned upside down since high school. In high school the most important thing in the world is being skinny and pretty. I spent all of high school watching all the skinny pretty girls getting attention and preferential treatment while I sat on the sidelines being unimportant and ignored. Guys made fun of me....I felt bullied most of highschool even though I was never physically hurt. Even in college looks play a huge role in everything....even though they slowly start mattering less and less. Unfortunately for me I wasn't truly thin and pretty until my senior year. Even then I was still 140. Now when I'm finally coming into the body I've always wanted .... appearance starts meaning less and less. I feel like in high school if you were the prettiest girl you were put on a pedestal....but once you're an adult people are more likely to despise you for being beautiful than anything else. Also, all those girls that were so perfect snagged there prince charming and are now fat with at least one kid. It's actually crazy because it's like when I finally got myself to where I was beating them at their own game....they completely changed the rules. Now it's like it doesn't matter if you're fat. I just feel like I can't win. Sometimes I hate myself too because I feel like I'm caving into their game even though I know better. I know if I can get out of this area I can meet lots of attractive guys and I know that outside of this depressing fat town...people really care about looks. I hate days like this. I hate myself for missing my ex. He was really a jerk. But I've never physically wanted a guy so much in my life. I miss his lips. I miss his scent. The first time we made out he was sweaty from an earlier workout....I literally licked the sweat off him. That's how irresistible he was to me. I just want to replace him so bad so I don't have to think of him. I will never be able to get over him until I have someone else to think about.