Why is it so hard??

I feel so overwhelmed. I just feel lost...like I'm falling and tumbling down a long black hole, but never reaching the bottom. I find this whole obsession with weight to be one big weird cycle that you can't really understand until you'r inside. I diet because if I diet I will be pretty and therefore people will like me. But the prettier I get the more many people dislike me....even though I realize this...my brain doesn't accept it. Then theres another part of me that says I'm ugly and stupid and don't deserve food. One half of me is saying to starve because I'm ugly and the other pridefully says to starve because I'm pretty. Nothing ever fully connects on either side except that deep down I feel overall inadequate and I have a void to fill. In the whole mess of starving though I end up miserable, cranky, and sour...then I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I can't starve right. I hate myself for being so self absorbed and consumed with a diet when there are people with real problems in the world. If someone is nice to me...I always assume it's because I'm pretty. If someone is mean to me...I assume it's because I'm ugly. I realize tonight that I never think about myself outside the confines of "pretty" or "ugly". It's like I'm always simplifying myself to those terms. Today was really hard. I'm depressed